Medical emergency Puns

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Had a seizure. Epilepsy sucks. I woke up, then this happened.

Dad: "Ah, you're awake. Did you see God?"

I couldn't quite see yet, but I knew he was waiting to say something clever. So I tried to turn it around before I passed out again.

Me: "I don't know. I might have. If I did, he bears a striking resemblance to the carpet."

Dad: "Let us thank the Floored that you didn't hurt yourself."

My stepmother said he made several more while I was out in the ER and in the ambulance.

Goddammit, dad.

When I was a baby, my Mom gave me some cider to drink during the holiday season. After doing this she was told that giving a baby cider that wasn't pasteurized could be dangerous. Panicking she called my Grandfather:

Mom: Dad how do I know if the cider is pasteurized?

Grandfather: Ok hold up the bottle of cider.

Mom: Holds up bottle of cider in front of face

Grandfather: Well it's "past your eyes" now!