How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.
When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.
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︎ Jun 29 2020
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I donβt know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
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︎ Apr 25 2020
Step 1: be friends with a god. Step 2: tell other people about your friend.
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︎ Jun 25 2020
β-1 2^3 β Ο
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︎ May 31 2020
Irish people canβt count! They know 1, 2...
Then they jump straight to Tree
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Why do 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7 keep attacking me?
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︎ Apr 13 2020
My dad named his iPhone "Titanic 1," his iPad "Titanic 2," and his MacBook "Titanic 3"
I asked him how he came up with those names.
He said, "Because they're all syncing."
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︎ Mar 25 2020
I took my kid shopping and he asked me why cookies were $1.99 instead of $2.00
I looked at him bewildered and told him because $2.00 doesn't make cents.
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︎ May 06 2020
Key Lime pie, $2/slice in Jamaica, $1.50/slice in the Bahamas
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
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︎ Feb 23 2020
I'd just like 1 or 2 upvotes, does this count?
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︎ Jan 19 2020
Help: Spent my whole shower trying to think of comic book-based puns for toiletries. Best I could do was Conditioner Gordon and a 2 in 1 shampoo named Harvey Dent.
Maybe a No More Tears version called Daredevil? I donβt know. A sleeping mask called the Dark Night? Deadpoop toilet paper? Iβm drowning here, man.
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︎ Feb 17 2020
Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company." Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
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︎ Nov 16 2019
What did 2 say to the 1 when he got injured?
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︎ Dec 16 2019
This joke ends in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 3, 2, 1
Itβs a four-gone conclusion.
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︎ Dec 10 2019
What did elevator#1 say to elevator#2?
I think I'm coming down with something...
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︎ Dec 22 2019
The perfect 2 in 1 office appliance: the PhotoCoffeer
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︎ Nov 01 2019
Friend 1: "Yo where's your mom?" Friend 2: "I don't have one, my parents are gay"
Friend 1: "Aw thats too(two) dad"
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︎ Jul 17 2019
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
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︎ Sep 26 2019
Windmill number 1 asked windmill number 2 βwhat kind of music do you listen to?β Windmill 2 responded βIβm a huge metal fanβ
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︎ Sep 09 2019
So numbers 1 to 9 had a party but 2, 4, 6 & 8 did not turn up
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︎ Jul 17 2019
This one made me proud as a dad. My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with it: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
Bar talk: Dude 1: What was that song by Eric Burdon again; something about love is on fire? Dude 2: Yeah. Yeah. "Love is a burnin' thing, and it makes a fiery ring..."
Dude 3: I think it was Hotel California. "Last thing I remember, I was running for the door..."
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︎ Nov 02 2019
In Jamaica, an Apple pie costs about $2.00, while a Pecan pie costs $2.50 and a Rhubarb pie costs $3.00. In the Bahamas, an Apple pie is $1.50, a Pecan pie is $2.00, and a Rhubarb pie is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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︎ May 28 2019
1:Why is your elbow so boney?2: because it is
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︎ Oct 23 2019
2 old puns are better than 1, drawings by friend at work
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︎ Jun 16 2018
Well It's 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready.....
4 For Sales
5 For Customer Service or
6 to hear these options again
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︎ Jan 02 2019
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
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︎ Jul 15 2019
3 part dad joke - 2 clean, 1 not
Q: What do you call a deer with no eye?
A: No-eye-deer
Q: What do call a deer with no eye and no legs?
A: Still no-eye-deer
Q: What do you call a deer with no eye, no legs and no penis?
A: Still no-fucking-eye-deer
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︎ Jul 20 2019
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
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︎ Apr 16 2019
For years I told my daughter she was 1/2 Human & 1/2 Mermaid ... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
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π
︎ Mar 07 2017
Wanna hear 2 short jokes and 1 long one?
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︎ Mar 18 2019
A 1-D object and a 2-D object walk into a bar
The 1-D object turns to the 2-D object
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︎ Jun 15 2019
2 cannibals were eating a clown. 1 looked at the other and said βDoes this taste funny to you?β
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︎ Jun 09 2019
2 puns, 1 post. Resistol (resist all) poison. This type of hat is called a Cattleman, hence the name βThe Rattlemanβ
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︎ Mar 27 2019
Iβm so happy, my 3 year old daughter is learning Dad Jokes! Went to our local Zoo today and 1/2 way around there is a cafe so I asked her if she wanted an ice cream... and she said...
I Scream - aaaarrrhhhhh...
Even better when actually a true story!
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︎ May 11 2019
Choose a number between 1 and 10. Now multiply it by 2, add 3, and subtract 7. Close your eyes.
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︎ Dec 27 2018
I'm wondering, is the old *Person 1:'Is this [thing 1] or [thing 2] Person 2: Yes* a dad joke or a reddit meme?
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︎ Feb 17 2019
I was working in the shop with my dad and asked him to hand me the 1/2 inch wrench.
Here you go...have to say though son it's a lot longer than A half inch long.groan.
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︎ Jun 20 2019
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."
His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."
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︎ Apr 17 2018
Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!
I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!
- As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
- Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
- Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
- I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
- Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
- My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
- I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
- I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
- I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
- The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
- I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
- I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
- I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
- If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
- I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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︎ Dec 10 2018
Those box labels are really a 2-in-1.
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︎ Jan 15 2019
1: "my dog has no nose" 2: "how does he smell?"
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︎ Nov 18 2018
1.Does God exist? 2. Is there all there is to it? 3.
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︎ May 31 2018
I stopped by the ammo store before going hunting. The clerk told me about their 2 for 1 sale.
βMore bang for your buck.β
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︎ Sep 11 2018
This month at work, the boss gave me 2 bottles of sodium hydroxide and 1 bottle of potassium hydroxide.
He said that it was my basic salary.
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︎ Dec 30 2018
I bought two pet fish for my kid, and named them 1 and 2.
In case 1 dies, heβll still have 2.
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︎ Jan 04 2019
At grandpa's 80th birthday party. Cake time, cousin asked for milk followed by "What's the difference betweent 1% milk and 2%?"
Without missing a beat my uncle ( her dad) says "1%"
Simple but made the whole table laugh
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︎ Dec 29 2018
Man 1: "Is your name Grant?" Man 2: "No, Im Ed."
Man 1: "I'm sorry I took you for Grant, Ed."
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︎ Oct 06 2018
2 for 1 Rabbits
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You βneak up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.
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︎ Sep 26 2018
My dad with the old 1-2.
Dad: "Wow its cold as hell, wait nevermind hell isn't cold."
Me: "Oh yea? How would you know (but I pronounced it 'How would Jew know')
Dad: "What does Alaska have to do with this?" (Jew know = Juneau Alaska)
Me: "Dad can you not?"
Dad: "Maybe if you give me a rope or some string maybe."
Edit: A word
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︎ Jul 13 2014
Thanos made it to the front page with 2 words. Prequelmemes made it with 1. StarTrekGifs made it with 0 words. Can we make it with negative?
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︎ Aug 30 2018
I think it's about time we make the number 2 pencil number 1.
It has to be the top pencil by now.
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︎ Sep 02 2018
Did you know that a Chicken & Mushroom Pie costs Β£2.40 in Anguilla, but only Β£1.95 in the Cayman Islands.
Those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean
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︎ Dec 01 2017
1. Blue plastic bucket for watering, car-washing, etc. 2. Red plastic bucket for mopping floors, cleanup from painting, plumbing disasters. 3. Green metal pail for compostable table scraps.
...and that's my Bucket List.
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︎ May 29 2018
Why did Thing 1 and Thing 2 cancel their gym memberships?
Things werenβt working out.
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︎ May 16 2018
Since Arbor Day is coming up, my local tree nursery is running a 2-for-1 special
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︎ Feb 26 2018
I've heard that Sean Connery has a size 9 1/2 foot.
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︎ Aug 11 2015
Granny was reading a recipe out loud; 1 cup sugar, 1 cup sugar, 2 eggs separated...
My dad chimes in: why can't they be happily married?
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︎ Dec 13 2017
person 1: I once met a man with a wooden leg named Smith. person 2: What was the name of his other leg?
π︎ 8
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︎ May 12 2017
This cracker was lost on my 2 1/2 year old this morning
Joshua: Daddy, I'm hungry
Me: Nice to meet you Hungry, I'm Austria...
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︎ Feb 07 2014
Recently help my mom upgrade to a 1/2 HP Insinkerator Unit.
She now has more power at her disposal.
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︎ Nov 26 2016
Thanksgiving ham 2 for 1 jokes
My FIL came with me to pick up our honeybaked ham and there was a line of about 50 people. We got up to the very front and he piped "We're here for the vegetarian meal." The poor girl looked so confused as he laughed loudly at his own joke. As we left with our ham past the waiting crowd, he loudly and excitedly exclaimed to me "I can't BELIEVE we got the last ham! "
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︎ Dec 01 2013
I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world...
...but that's just a ballpark number.
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︎ Nov 06 2016
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︎ Jun 07 2012
While watching football, the announcer mentioned the team averaged 6-1/2 sacks a game. My wife says "How do you get half a sack?"...
... I told her "Ask Lance Armstrong."
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︎ Sep 20 2014
Aunt and Dad hit us with the 1, 2 punch
My aunt texted my mom "did you hear about the kidnapping at school?" And my mom was talking to us wondering which school my aunt was referring to. Then my aunt responds:
"It's okay, he woke up."
Noooooo. My mom tells my dad what my aunt said and pointed at my mom's foot and then his leg and said "Corn knee."
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︎ Sep 30 2015
During Germany vs. Ghana game when Ghana was up 2-1 late in the game.
"I guess they Ghana win now."
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 24 2014
20 month old dad joked my 3 1/2 year old...
So my oldest was having my youngest say things back to her in the car on the way to daycare this morning. Mostly to be funny - things like booger and toot.
Oldest finally starts trying to have her say a bunch of stuff... Went like this.
Oldest: "ok, say, booger and red and blue and tree and car and boat." Pause, "hey! Say this!"
Youngest: "This!"
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︎ Sep 26 2014
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
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︎ May 21 2020
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
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︎ May 04 2020
Why does 2+1 barking?
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 06 2020
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
π︎ 35
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︎ Oct 18 2019
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
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︎ Jun 30 2019
My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 10 2019
Step 1. Connect with a divine being. Step 2. Allow them to speak through you.
π︎ 17
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︎ Jul 13 2019
β-1 2^3 β Ξ
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 13 2019
βThink of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply by 7. Add 2. Now close your eyes.β
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︎ Feb 16 2018
Why do 2 4 and 6 hate 1?
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 21 2018
Step 1: Predict the future. / Step 2: ???
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 08 2016
My dad named his iPhone "Titanic 1", his iPad "Titanic 2", and his iMac "Titanic 3"...
I asked him how he came up with the names and he got all excited and said:
"Because they are all syncing"
Only dad...
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︎ Sep 19 2013
I have 2 short jokes and 1 long joke, wanna hear them?
joke, joke, jooooooooooooooooooooooke!
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︎ Feb 02 2015
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..9.1...9.2...9.3.. Are you counting?', they asked.
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 21 2017
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