My dad has Andrew Luck as his Fantasy Football Quaterback

It's been 14 weeks of luck puns, typically along the lines of "I can't lose. I've got Luck on my side." Or "Guess my team is just Luck-ier than yours."

He laughs every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/csjo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
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A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize. The assayor at the dock, however, took one look at all of it and told him it was worthless. Dejected, the young man walked away from his ship, and vowed never again to travel in search of his fortune.

"Sad, is it not?" said a friend of the assayor as he watched the young man shuffle away. "Aye," replied the assayor, "yet another victim of the pyrites of the Caribbean."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2022
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My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!

I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.

(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)

Edit: oops guess thay should be 8:58 and 9:02

Update: my wife is going in to surgery for a c section. Everything is going a little different than we hoped but it's OK.

Final update. The surgery went great everyone is doing well. I have a daughter now! Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnatomy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2022
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Do you miss 2020? Well you're in luck! Because 2022 ...

is 2020 too

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeineBOB
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm down on my luck, so I'm selling my prosthetic leg this year.

It'll make an excellent stocking stuffer this Christmas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VintagePlayback
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2021
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Good Luck....
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
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I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent...

It goes without saying

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2022
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My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]

What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.

Edit: there are two winners.

The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt

The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1

Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomolos2621
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"

"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Not a problem boss"

"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.

Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,

"Dave! What's happening?"

"Great to see you!"

"Come on in for a beer!

Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.

"No, no, just name anyone else then"

Dave says.

"President Biden!"

His boss quickly retorts.

"Yup"

Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"

"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"

So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"

"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"

"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"

After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.

Dave again implores him to name another famous person.

After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,

"The Pope!"

"Sure thing!"

Says Dave,

"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.

Dave says,

"This will never work"

"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"

"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw"

"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "

"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
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Good luck finding a bottle of that exclusive new soft drink from France.

It's only available in Cannes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/writenroll
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2021
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A medical examiner in Boston was down on his luck, so he tried his hand at magic.

He failed at that too. He just couldn't halve-a-cadavah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gracius0ne
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2021
🚨︎ report
If Muhammad Ali had a son named Brock.

Would he be Brock-Ali? πŸ₯¦

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ur-Majestic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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I've never had good luck with Civil War jokes

People don't general lee find them funny

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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A string wants a drink.

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender yells at the string, "Get out. We don't serve your kind here."

The string yells, "This is discrimination. I'll be back."

The bartender warns the string, "If you do, I'll rough you up good."

The next day after a particularly hard day working at the sewing factory, the now tired and crumbled string returns to the bar."Hey bar keep. How about a drink?"

"Hey! Aren't you that string I told to never come back?" Demands the bartender.

The string calmly replies, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IntrovertAlien
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the pants say to the shirt when the shirt didn’t win the lottery?

Sweater luck next time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DepthyxTruths
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2022
🚨︎ report
There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
🚨︎ report
What's the favorite song of bad luck?

Misfor- tune

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VinceDPrime
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Guess he’ll Bβ™­out of luck come band class
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Balzar7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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This man really loves his tractors

So there was a man who really loved his tractors. All of his life were about tractors. He had posters, DVD's and owned a lot of tractors. This man loved his tractors.

But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors. It was his lovely wife. One day, she was out on the fields and got crushed by a tractor. The man tried to save her but with no luck. She was killed by a tractor.

This man, despite his love of tractors, he got rid of everything. The posters he burns. The DVD's he throws them in the bin. The tractors he sells.

It takes him a while but he finally gets over his wife and he goes on a date with a new woman.

So they are in this fancy restaurant and they enjoy their food. But all of the sudden a lot of smoke comes out of the kitchen. It spreads through the entire restaurant. Everyone panics and no one can get fresh air, so they run out.

The man says: "calm down, I got this". He sucks all of the smoke in, runs outside and blows it all out. He has cleared all of the smoke in the restaurant. He comes back in and continues his meal. His date is surprised and impressed and says: "How did you do that?". Then he answers:

I am an extractor fan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LANGEw0w
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were down on their luck.

They took one of their prized possessionsβ€”The Star of The Empire, one of the worlds largest diamondsβ€”to a famous yet discreet pawn shop outside of Las Vegas to ask for a loan.

The pawnbroker said "So I talked to my buddy who is an expert in diamonds to get his opinion. I can give you $200,000 for it."

Prince Harry said "You must be joking, I had this appraised at nearly 2 million pounds! Don't you know who I am, I'm a prince! My mother is Queen of The United Kingdom, Elizabeth II!!"

The pawnbroker said "$200k, take it or leave it. When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are..."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.

Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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What's the one vegetable you should never bring on a ship with you?

A leek

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MediocreGinga
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2021
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My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."

She said, "Airplane? What is it?"

"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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Red Cross nurse

A guy walks into a bar and trips and falls sustaining a horrible injury. "Hold still," the bartender exclaims. "We have a Red Cross nurse right here that can help you!" "Just my luck," mutters the guy, "Why couldn't I have a blonde cheerful nurse instead?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
🚨︎ report
I brought my shirt with a four leave clover design on it to the cleaners...

...Because I felt like pressing my luck!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonOfFavor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
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I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says β€œI’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says β€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says β€œWhat?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says β€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn't press your luck!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked, "What's wrong honey?" I sighed, "I’m just not having much luck with jobs lately."

"I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn’t suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn’t cut it as barber, didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, didn’t fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Why is it good luck to say 'break a leg' to an actor?

Because every play needs a cast

πŸ‘︎ 647
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meme_peasant
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?

So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bodd19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the KKK member bring to the pot luck?

Hot cross buns.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Houshweeni
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are on a hike in Canada, you need to spot at least two grizzlies before calling the authorities.

That’s the bear minimum.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2021
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How do you call a lady with bad luck?

Miss Fortune

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ResidentMos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My 3 year old told me this one

No he didn't, he's only 3. And you know what else? He's not real. Just like all of these posts with click-bait titles of, "My X year old told me this", to get attention and farm karma.

If your joke is so weak that you need to invoke my-child-said-this, then just don't post.

Seriously, just stop.

Obligatory dad jokes tax:

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warrant2k
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Luck rituals in the Australian Open.

I was golfing in the Australian Open for the first time. I noticed all the pros were putting various condiments on their clubs. Salt on a putter, brown sauce on a driver, ketchup on a 9-iron.

I my caddy why they were doing it, and he explained that an Australian thing for good luck.

Now, by that time I had already shot straight into a sand trap so I said to him: "Too bad I didn't know about it. I really could use some of that luck right about now."

He just smiled...

...and gave me a vegemite sand-wedge.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrianBoyko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Collecting puns of fake companies. Here’s a list

So far I’ve got:

Sandwich co (you can’t beat our meat) IT company (if you’ve got a Trojan we can help) Laundry service (dont press your luck) Organic shop (all we do is pot, and pull hoes) or (getting down and dirty with your hoes) Pet groomers (send your dog to pound town) Transport and travel [by plane] (we’ll get you high) Financial planner (saving lives, with your life savings) Bakery (fresh perky muffins in the front, soft buns in the back) Coffee shop (Mugging you at every corner)

Still looking for raunchy puns and double entendres for:

A Podcast/ music studio A Personal chef A Tour and travel agency A Health care company A Record studio A Game developer A Copyrighting co A Tailor A Garage/bike repair company A Clothing/hat maker A Personal trainer A Truck sharing (moving co) An Architecture bureau or real estate co An Illustrator A Pest control company A Wedding planner A Fishing and charter tour company A Liquor store

Help me out.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinomills
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
🚨︎ report
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billibob2283
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
This probably has been posted here already. Trying my luck
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rentsmile
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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Wish me luck. Tomorrow I start my internship at an electric company.

It’s my induction day.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karroul
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Wish him luck
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hados1109
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Anyone out there interested in buying my Delorean ? Great condition, low mileage.

Only driven from time to time.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zayan-ali
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I would say may luck be with you today but

it's still April

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drdebica
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not having much luck with jobs lately. reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mehbitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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I can not believe mu luck
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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I brought my shirt with a four leave clover design on it to the cleaners...

...Because I felt like pressing my luck!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonOfFavor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
🚨︎ report

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