As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
What did the cow say when he lost his feet?
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
I was pissed when I lost my job at the horse ranch
I was told it would be stable.
What is the name of Satan's long lost brother?
after the dam failed, the engineer thought he'd lost his job for sure
but at the performance review he was consoled by his boss, "it's all just water under the bridge"
Sorry guys , I just lost my Virg-
Why do bears never get lost?
Because they always have their bearings.
I got lost while driving my suicidal friend to the hospital.
I should have seen the signs.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I lost my pizza cutter so I had to use a Bryan Adams CD instead
In case anyone is wondering it cuts like a knife
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
I lost all my hair years ago, but I still carry a comb.
Kenny Rodgers ended up in a wheelchair after an accident. While rolling down the side walk, he lost a wheel.
He sung: you picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel.
I sued the airlines after they lost my luggage
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
He might have lost this election but he will probably run again in 4 years...
I'm sorry to report that I lost both my feet to diabetes
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What do you call a magician who's lost his magic ?
How do you find a lost train?
If satan had ever lost his hair
There would be hell toupee
The Indianapolis Colts lost again today, and now everyone is mad at Google Maps...
...because any idiot could have told them to take Teddy Bridgewater over Philip Rivers.
I haven't lost a game of tennis in over a decade.
I also haven't played a game of tennis in over a decade.
I've lost 20% of my sight
I lost my mood ring today.
I don't know I feel about it.
So I've lost a bag of cruciferous root vegetables...
...but it's okay, I'm sure they'll turnip somewhere.
Lost a race to a catholic lady in long robes today
I thought I was the fastest, turns out I’m second to nun
I had a friend who lost a toe in an accident.
We aren't friends any more, I'm extremely lack toes intolerant.
I lost 15 pounds on my Wii Fit
It was the best trade-in deal I could find
My son cried when he lost his first girlfriend. I told him don't worry its not the end of the world
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
What do you call a Chinese man who has lost his sense of direction.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert when one sees a tree draped in bacon. He yells “it’s a bacon tree” then runs to it and is shot up with bullets
It wasn’t a bacon tree it was a Ham Bush
i lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A lady asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.
I lost most of my retirement to that guy from Happy Days.
It was a real Fonzi scheme.
Our house got hit with a pretty big storm last night and I lost 25% of my roof.
I lost 80 pounds.
Now I won’t be able to pay for that new toaster I wanted.
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Your golden skin. The way you smelled like heaven. The way you felt in my hands. The way the sun glistened on you. How everyone loved you. You were never expensive on a date. You looked good with anything on. I will miss you pizza slice that fell into the sand
Did you guys hear about the guy in that horrible car accident? Lost his left leg and left arm
Don’t worry, he’s all right now.
A Renaissance era lawyer lost his law license for insulting the king...
A few years ago, on my 18th birthday, I lost both of my kidneys...
but it’s all good, because now I have adult knees!
My 7 year old brother lost his left arm in an accident
Dont worry, he's all 'right' now
I got lost in a corn maze for a couple days last year
Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out “well I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said “Nonsense! It’s on the cob!”
My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined!
I lost my job at the bank today which is a shame.
I was taking home $25,000 dollars a week.
Why was the man sad that he lost his cookie from the Chinese Restaurant?
His carelessness cost him a fortune.
what do you call a lost wolf?
How did Genghis Khan get lost?
I lost a boxing match with a pirate.
He had a vicious right hook.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you call a woman who has lost her earring?
How did Captain Hook fight Peter Pan & the lost boys?
Just witnessed a tragic car accident where a man lost his entire left side...
What Happened To The Tree That Got Lost?
He took the wrong root and couldnt leaf
I lost some loose change
And haven't seen them cents.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, “No one does that to a woman...
Did you hear about the Grandma that was lost in the Alps?
The while searchers were looking for her they would call out “little-old-lady-whooo”
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He's finding it hard to deal with.
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.
I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.
I once got lost in a corn field
It was an a-maize-ing experience
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
I work at Johnsonville, lost a whole pallet of sausages yesterday - luckily I have a plan...
Time for the “wurst-case scenario”. Glad I brat that to your attention? Sorry, I know these jokes are played, you gotta take sausage jokes on a casing by casing basis. Ok I’ll stop now.
Why did the lost disciple enter a male strip club?
It was looking for guy-dance.
Did you hear about the man who lost his home and had to live on the streets?
Why did a lost grizzly walk into a jewlery store?
Because he had to get his bear rings.
Have you heard about the guy who lost all his left side (of his body)?
Well, he’s all right now.
I tried suing the airline that lost my luggage
My wife said she's lost her patience with me.
I told her I'd help her find it.
How was Boaz when he lost his wife?
my friend David lost his ID
Did you hear about the near sighted construction worker who lost his glasses?
He really fell into his work.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1,001 cures for itches.'
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
What vegetable can you get lost in?
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
If the Devil ever lost his hair
I lost my hair years ago, but still carry a comb
What do you call a magician that has lost his magic?
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
What do you call a lost wolf?
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight …
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
What do you call a magician that has lost their magic?
What do you call a lost wolf?
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My friend David lost his ID.
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