Why do old pirates sometimes walk with a limp?

Arrrthritis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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What do you call a pretty girl from Georgia with a limp?

A peach hobbler.

(One of my kids favorites).

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Why does Big Foot walk with a limp?

Because he's not Big Feet.

[5 year old nephew made this joke]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NIsaid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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What do you call a pretty girl in Georgia with a limp?

A peach hobbler.

(This is an original as far as I can tell. Made it up years ago on a car ride across the US with the family. Kids are in college now but still enjoy it.)

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Mothers around the country keep sinking their teeth into Limp Bizkit’s frontman

Another mom bites the Durst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smitemight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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A dog limps into a bar.

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geaux_Phish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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I just read that Fred Durst, of Limp Bizkit fame, was on vacation in Italy

and he loved the food so much that he uprooted his family and moved there immediately. He was in such a rush to move that he sold his house, his cars, and a lot of his belongings at a fraction of their actual value. When asked why he felt such urgency to move there, he said "I did it all for the gnocchi"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nexus9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
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A cow dog limps into a saloon out West.....

And places a bandaged limb on the bar. He announces, "I am looking for the man who shot my paw!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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My dog has a noticeable limp

I'm blaming it on his dad because apparently he has a bad paw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rationaljackass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Why did the limping Donkey cross the road ?...Ahh forget it.

.. Sorry for such a lame Ass joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Why was the pig limping?

He pulled his hamstring!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VTPete
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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Coming soon to a theater near you
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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What do you call a world class athlete who injuries their leg?

An O-limp-ian

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrusaderTbone
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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Limping turkey

What does a turkey with a limp say?

Wobble Wobble

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddahmojo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Hello, my name is Richard, and I have a bad knee..

You can call me Limp Dick

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Walking with my pregnant wife and limping...

wife: are you limping?

me: I'm having an issue with my boring knee.

wife: your what?

me: My boring knee. My fun knee is just fine.

I am learning to dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sammysounder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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They have a new birth control pill for men that's the size of a small pebble.

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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What do you call a demon with a broken leg

A Limp

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mekkanik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar, sits down at the counter, and orders two shots and a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve string here," so the string walks back out. He comes in again later, and this time sits at a table, and again tries to order two shots and a beer. The waiter says "I'm sorry, we don't serve string here," so he walks back out again. This time, before going back in, he ties himself in a knot and ruffles up his hair. He walks back in, sits at the counter, and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that same piece of string that was in here earlier?" and the string says "I'm a frayed knot"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habui
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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One day I tripped and accidentally spilled my bottle of viagra down the sink.

Ever since then I’ve had a nasty limp

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Johnny gets off the bus on the way home from school

On his walk home he sees a dog in he middle of the road. He wonders what it’s doing laying there when all of a sudden a car comes by and hits the dog. It flies through the air and after a minute, gets up and runs into the woods. Johnny can’t believe what he just saw and rushes home to tell his mom. He goes inside breathing hard form running and says β€œYou’re not going to believe what I just saw”

β€œWhat happened Johnny” says his mom

β€œThis car just hit this dog right in the ass and it flew through the air. He barely got up and limped into the woods”

The mom then says β€œnow little Johnny cmon lets be a little more respectfully let’s not use those words. Let’s say rectum instead”

Johnny then replies

β€œWrecked him!? That car damn near killed him!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LockinKey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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Even my Dreams are Punny

I honestly just had a dream that belongs here. At the start of the dream, I meticulously engraved the word "Over" into a knife when I started getting all these friends and old contacts telling me to leave them alone and blocking me... when I didn't say shit. I finally notice somebody is going through my contacts on all social media one at a time and just ruining friendships sending lewd photos of their junk.

I realize it's coming from my computer at home and I can't get remoted into it so I start driving home... only to get caught in a bunch of tornados. One smaller one picks me up and throws my car about 20ft knocking my wheel loose.

I limp my car away from that tornado only to find another doing like a Mexican standoff with me on the highway. I turned to the random person in my passenger seat holding up the knife and said "Wind or Loose, it'll be Over in a Flash" and I woke up. Now I feel the need to change all my passwords...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MentalSewage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: β€œHey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: β€œWhat, George?”


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. β€œEvenin’” says the barman, β€œwhy the long face?”


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: β€œWait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: β€œThis alright?” The barman says: β€œHmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: β€œI shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” β€œWhy, what have you got?” β€œAbout Β£2 and a carrot.”


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

β€œI’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. β€œWe don’t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. β€œExcuse me, good sir,” the horse says, β€œare you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, β€œSorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. β€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?”


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? β€œI’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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My father could be this sub's mascot.

Dad's visiting for a couple of weeks, and this is our first conversation this morning.

I get out of bed and go straight to the kettle to boil water for my morning coffee. I'm limping because my foot fell asleep while I was browsing Reddit in bed a couple of minutes before.

Dad: What happened?

Me: My foot fell asleep.

Dad: Make sure there's enough water for a second cup of coffee.

:l

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RustyRook
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
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A bunch of musicians decided to have a meal together.

Jonathan Davis brought the corn and Fred Durst made biscuits but they were a little too limp. Marshal Mathers wasn't prepared, so all he could provide was some M&M's. Neil Peart had to leave early because he was in a rush, and the meal was so bad that it disturbed David Draimen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/masta666
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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Poor limpy

I was talking to my dad on the phone as I pulled up to my apartment. There are deer that frequent the yard next to it and one has a bad limp.

While talking I said poor limpy to which my dad responded "maybe she can join the oLIMPics." I laughed pretty hard after that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Starboardstevie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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Dads take on vegetable based rock bands

This is an older story, I think it was roughly 98 or 99. My little brother was getting into rock and was listening to Limp Biskit and Korn. He saved up some money to get a CD so my dad took him to Sam Goody. My little brother gets the newest hit record by Korn and brings it to the counter and check out. With my dad by his side, he places the record on the counter and the late nineties rocker chick, loaded up with tons of eye liner and hot topic wear working the cash register says "oh yeah! I love Korn, I know everything about them, I have all their records." Without a fucking second thought and the straightest face, my dad says "I guess that makes you a little corny."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LDdesign
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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My grandfather dad joking me.

I banged my knee the other day and my grandfather asked why I was limping. I banged my knee on the table" I said.

"Your low knee or your heine?" he said with a grin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sauceman25
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
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The first joke I rember my dad telling me as a kid

A man is walking along the street, taking each step with one foot on the raised sidewalk, and the other foot on the road. Another man asks him "Hey why are you walking like that, with one foot on the sidewalk and the other down on the road"? The man looks down to his feet and says "Damn, thanks for telling me, I thought I had started to limp".

Edit: Bonus points for telling the same joke (with visual representation of course) every god damned time we were walking in a street that had a raised sidewalk. Can't wait until I have a kid so I can pass this comedic gold on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maz-o
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
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Got my 10-year old with a new one

Me: "Son, why are you limping?" Son: "Remember last week when I hurt my crotch?" Me: "Yeah..."

(pause)

Son: "I also hurt my foot." Me: "Oh. I was trying to figure out the connection there."

(pause)

Me: "I guess that would be your leg." Son: "You're an idiot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dlan77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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A dog limps into a bar...

I'm lookin for the fella who shot my paw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olddad67
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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What do you call a world class athlete who injures their leg?

An O-limp-ian!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirkles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in his shoe and it makes him limp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wishyouamerry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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