I would like to start doing Yoga but I can never find the time to.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad...
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I would like to share you this joke about peanut butter but I won’t.
Because you might spread it.
I would like to personally thank this sub.
Every morning when I email my team their daily tasks, I include a joke from this sub. and I appreciate you all so I can try to make everyone laugh a little before rough work at a hospital. So thanks dads!
The midwife asked my pregnant wife and I if we would like the baby to be delivered at home.
I said that we'd prefer that the baby kept its liver intact, thanks.
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I would like to say a good chemistry joke, but...
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Today I met a fish and the meeting went pretty well. I told him I would like to meet him again, but it got upset and swam away.
I guess, "I'll catch you later" wasn't the right phrase.
I thought you guys would like this
I would like to clarify that I am not slutdust
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
All I would like for Christmas is a mind controlled air freshener
It makes sense when you think about it
(Say it out loud if you're confused)
When the barber asks me if I would like more cut off
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
I took the Agnetha from ABBA our for dinner once. I bumped into her again last week and asked if she enjoyed it and would she like to go for dinner again. She said...
“There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, For a Nandos.”
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
“Would you like your tires rotated sir?” Dad: “I’m pretty sure they rotate when I drive buddy, haha.”
I didn't think I would really like having a beard,
I thought y’all would like this. Lol
I want to talk to you guys about how I would really like to identify as a type of writing font
A guy went to a pet shop. “I’d like to buy a goldfish please”. “Certainly sir. Would you like an aquarium?” ...
“I don’t care what star sign it is” The guy replies.
I was complaining about being pregnant, saying I felt like I would be pregnant for all eternity.
To which my dad replied, "You mean all maternity?"
I made a pun image for a character from a video game i like, someone said it would fit in here as well
I would like to tell dad jokes.
But he went for milk 10 years ago.
I would really like a watch for my birthday.
After all. There’s no present like the time.
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
I would like to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me, and my fingers because i could count on them
When I broke up with my ex she told me that I would never find anyone like her. I told her,
I’m not sure if I would like to buy a certain mattress or not.
I think I should sleep on it.
I would really love if my dad was like you
I have always wondered what it would be like to use a professional telescope.
I’m thinking of looking into it.
I was hopeful that my dad would return because I was told dads were like boomerangs
But then I remembered that I didn't throw my dad at a 20-degree angle
I would more like prices to be free
I mini-figured you would like this pun.
I would like to no what this has to do with lumber
Barista to me after I payed for my coffee: Would you like a receipt?
Me: I dunno, what's your return policy.
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”
“Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
When a cashier asks me if I would like a bag, I say “no I have an old one at home “.
“Hello Police, I would like to leave an anonymous tip.”
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Man: Vaccinations don’t cause autism.
I would like to cut the grass
But it’s against the lawn
I am not sure what the first church on Mars would look like.
But the mass would be the same.
Walking by a clothing store, my wife says, “I would like to try on the swimsuit in the front window.”
Me: I think you have to use the dressing room like everyone else.
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it?
Man: I have no idea.
6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
I would like to say a joke about leeches
but I'm too afraid it might suck.
The cashier asked me if I would like my eggs in a bag.
I said, "No thank you. You can just leave the eggs inside the shells."
I would like to tell my kids a joke about airplanes..
..but I'm afraid it would go right over their head :/
The cashier asked if I would like my milk put in a bag...
I said no thanks, keep it in the carton!
I would like to dedicate this joke to my Dad, who was a professional mountain climber.
So...dad, if you are up there...
I’ve always wondered what a ton of bricks would feel like
I asked my Sumo wrestler friend, “Would you like to have some sushi for dinner?”
He said, “No thanks. I’m not a big Japanese person.”
I would really like to meet The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Would you go on a date with me if i’d look like Chewbacca?
Her: Would you go on a date with me if i’d look like Chewbacca?
Him: Nah, I’d rather go Solo
I would like to be an airplane pilot, but I'm not sure.
You could say that my decision is still up in the air.
I would like to be paid to sleep.
It would be my dream job.
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.
I didn't think I would like the ivy my wife planted
I went to a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning and the woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked?"
"Does it affect the price?" I asked.
"No, not at all." she replied.
"In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Dad - “would you like a cup of tea?” Me - “I would thank you”
Dad - “Great, make two while you’re at it”
René Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender said “would you like a beer?” René replied “I think not”
/r/funny didn't like my post so I thought maybe you guys would.
http://i.imgur.com/q4fZof7.jpg
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks me if I would like the milk in a bag...
I reply, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
As a cook, I would like my crock-pots to get along, but alas, they will always be Rivals.
If Edward Snowden ever gets a family, I wonder how long it would take him to look out at a winter day and say 'Looks like we're all Snowed In!'
The missus asked if I would like her to get on top of me.
I turned to her and asked, "Are you prepositioning me?"
I haven't seen him much but I thought /r/puns would like to have The Punslinger, Tim Vine, on here
Little late, but I think /r/dadjokes would like to see a list of my New Years resolutions
- 1920 x 1080 (tower PC)
- 1366 x 768 (chromebook)
- 1080p (TV)
- 1024 x 600 (tablet)
- 360 x 480 (phone)
I told the hotel receptionist, “I would really like a wake up call”.
She said, “Get off Reddit for once and do something productive.”
True story: I just had my first baby and asked my parents what they would like to be called as grandparents.
My mom thought about it and said "You guys can call me Grammie!"
My dad, without missing a beat, said "Well then I guess you can call me Oscar."
/r/granddadjokes
Got bored, started doodling. I thought you guys would like it.
Girlfriend asked if I would like to marry abroad. I said it depends.
I would like to thank the person who taught me the definition of plenty.
As a reddit user of two years, I would like to share a couple of my favourites with you...
Whenever I am asked if I would like some water at a restaurant...
I say: "I'll take a pitcher, it lasts longer"
I do not play cards a lot but I would still like to poke-her
I went out for dinner with my parents, and when we were done eating, the waitress asks, "would you like the bill?"
and my dad says, "no, it's ok, you can keep it!"
I would like to fill the entire ocean with Soft drinks
But that would just be Fanta-sy
"I wonder what it would be like to live under water..."
"I wonder what it would be like to live under water..." said my girlfriend on our way to see Finding Dory, to which I responded with "I don't know, but I bet you'd be under a lot of pressure."
She hung her head in shame because she knew my entire family would soon hear about this.
Got my friend with this a while ago and posted on r/Jokes, but I think it would be better appreciated here. So this friend really likes lifting, so when told me he ran out of protein powder I was surprised and said...
I Feel like my father would say this.
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
I would like to tell you guys an original chemistry joke
but all the good ones Argon
Waiter: I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?
Dad: What would I do with two empty glasses?
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I would like to thank my hands.
I can always count on you.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I would like to cut the grass,
but it's against the lawn.
I didn't think I would like having a beard
But after a few week it has grown on me.
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
I would like to thank my..
...hands for always being on my side, my legs for always supporting me and my fingers because I can always count on them
I would like to thank...
My arms, for always being by my side.
My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers well...
Because I can always count on them!
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
