Me: "How do I get one of those singing groups?"

Director: "you mean a choir?"

Me: exasperated sigh yes, fine. How do aquire one of those singing groups?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xynnax
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Hitchcock, Spielberg, Nolan and Scorsese get into a knife fight

It is the directorβ€˜s cut

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeje17j
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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My son is involved in the school music program...

I told him i offered his director some assistance. They said yes.

Now I get to be a band-aid.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yellow_Odd_Fellow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Dad: "Hey, do you know where I can get a vocal ensemble?"

Music Director: "Don't you mean a choir?"

Dad: "Ok, How do I acquire a vocal ensemble?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Help give my pet rabbit a job title

Chief of Hoperations? Director of fuzz? Give me your best, most official sounding titles.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jstew96
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I tried watching Edward Scissorhands earlier. Turned out it was just a video of Tim Burton getting his hair done.

I then realised I'd picked up the director's cut

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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A widow was at a funeral today, lost her husband.

The funeral director asked, β€œCan I say a quick word?” β€œSure,” replied the widow. β€œThank you,” the funeral director responded, β€œPlethora” β€œThanks, means a lot” replied the widow

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superonkey101
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I may get fired or promoted... not sure...

My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.

Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."

Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."

Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anix421
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
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What do you call it when boss man on a movie-set farts loud and long?

Extended release, director's cut.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ishatbrx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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My wife had to double check she wasn't pregnant.

We were sitting on a little bench, watching birds going crazy over some bread that had been left on the ground. "I wonder who gave the little birds those rolls", she said.

"Probably the casting director."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niflhe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2016
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A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, β€œwe know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”

The man says right back to the CEO, β€œI’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says β€œI’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says β€œare you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”

The man looks back at him and says β€œwell, in this business time is moneyβ€” so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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I auditioned and got the part in a bread commercial.

The director said I was perfect for that roll.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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Dad asked who was directing the new Tolkien movie...

I pulled out my phone and went to IMDB.

Me: He’s a... I think Finnish director, Dome Karukoski.

Dad: Well then who’s the start director?

Me:... the what?

Dad: If he’s the Finnish director, who’s the start director?

The turn of my head and hate in my eyes made him chuckle for five minutes.

Dad: That was priceless. πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lizardio11228
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kojo2047
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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A Punny Story

A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.

The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.

"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.

The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.

Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.

"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.

"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.

The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.

"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaronVA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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asking for a loan

Mr. Sterling Frogsen was desperate. After a few months of success, his bakery was beginning to flounder and running in the red. He was a proud man who was proud of starting his small business without asking for any help. But now times were tough and he had to face the fact that without a loan his bakery was doomed.

So he went to local bank but was disheartened to see that the loan officer was the notorious Patricia Wacomb, the hard-nosed banker who only agreed to sure bets and rarely took risks.

"Please, ma'am, I am in sore need of this loan! My bakery is only going through a temporary setback!" Normally such pleas fell on deaf ears, but today Patricia was feeling generous. Something about Mr. Frogsen moved her and she believed his plight.

"Mr. Frogsen, I would approve this loan, but this bank cannot afford to take any risks."

"Is there anything you can do, Ms. Wacomb? I am desperate!"

"Well, do you have any collateral?"

"Only this family heirloom," Sterling responded while handing Patricia his prized family treasure. Patricia was at a loss, however, for she had never seen anything like that before.

"Let me ask my manager," she responded as she showed her director the prized heirloom. His eyes opened wide in amazement as he told her,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, now give the Frog a loan!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mxwp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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I gave someone directions to a theater today

I guess I am a movie director now

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/excalibron
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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Heard an on-the-spot dadjoke from my former band director today.

Some guy: "It's raining cats and dogs!"

Another guy: "Yeah, it might even rain a bear!"

Band director: "Then it'd be bearly raining!"

It was nice to hear a dadjoke in the wild like that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xorcon1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
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That would make a great name for a cow farm:

The Legen Dairy.

Said to me from the Marketing Director - I had to ask him how many kids he had. He has 1, that poor soul. So many groans and no one to share them with!

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thursd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2015
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The production staff of Car Talk at NPR
  • Accounts Payable Administrator_______________Imelda Czechs

  • Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office__________Dasha Chekhov

  • Air-Quality Monitor _________________________Carmine Dioxide

  • Caffeine Addiction Counselor__________________Bruno Moore

  • Chief Legal Counsel_________________________ Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe

  • Cliche Monitor_____________________________Saul Wellingood

  • Clothing Designer__________________________Hugh Jass

  • Credit Counselor___________________________Max Stout

  • Director of Purchasing_______________________Lois Bidder

  • Director of Pavlovian Research________________Isabelle Ringing

  • Divorce Attorney___________________________Carmine Nottyors

  • Dog Trainer_______________________________Don Chase Katz

  • Ebay Specialist____________________________Selma Junkoff

  • Head of Security___________________________Barb Dwyer

  • Global Economics Forecaster_________________Helena Handbasket

  • Marine Biologist___________________________Frieda Wales

  • Father-in-Law Liaison_______________________Royal Payne Diaz

  • Mother-in-Law Liaison______________________Stella Payne Diaz

  • Official Spokesperson_______________________Howie Vasive

  • Restroom Attendants_______________________Trudy Door & Donna Hall

  • Russian Chauffeur__________________________Picov Andropov

  • Scout Leader______________________________Lawson D. Woods

  • Shop Foreman_____________________________Luke Bizzy

  • Staff Intuitionist____________________________Ivan Inkling

  • Used Car Salesman_________________________Alexis Itznot

Full list can be found here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedPyro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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Dropped this one a week ago. I don't even have a girlfriend.

At a rehearsal for my choir, the director made some last minute changes to the standing arrangements. For a couple songs, we wouldn't be standing in the usual Soprano Alto Tenor Bass formation, but we'd we standing in a way that we were surrounded by people of different sections. As you can imagine, shifting around 4 rows of risers is a bit hectic, so I asked my friend where exactly I had to go.

He told me, "As long as you're mixed, it's okay."

A wave of dark intentions washed over my brain.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "But I'm Chinese".

It took him a full two seconds to register what I just said.

What in the actual fuck is happening to me right now?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatcat22able
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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My Ensemble Director always hits us with this one.

He's a fast-paced Jazz Big Band director. When a section is lost, he ALWAYS says this line, "Be alert. [dramatic pause] The world needs more lerts."

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2016
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All of us here belong in the punitentiary

ok so I got this one from my band director and We all thought she should "let it go"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zephyr897
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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Dad joke at play practice

At play rehearsal we were blocking out a scene, the director explained during this particular scene the lights on one portion of the stage would dim to highlight the two with solos. One cast member asked, "When the lights go dim on us, do we freeze?" one of the older fellows in the cast cut in, "No, we'll still have the heat on." Loved it.

Edit: play rehearsal

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaleDavid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
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Did you see that article where the FBI director related Hilary and Russia with his hate for the NE pats?

Should have been titled, "FBI director declares himself unpatriotic!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pozpills
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
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I said the movie was average...

He said, "that's because the director was Martin Scor-soso"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2016
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[Rogue One Spoilers] Why was Darth Vader....

Why was Darth Vader so angry at Director Krennic?

...because he wanted to go bacta sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WintersbaneGDX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
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Not my dad, but my band director who is a dad

So I have a class where I sit in the band hall and practice my instrument, and near the end of class I looked at the clock and noticed that the bell should have rang already (at 10:40). I checked my phone, and it was only 10:37.

The conversation went like this:

"Mr. Band director, that clock is ahead."

"No, that clock is a clock." (I didn't get it)

"What? No it's ahead."

"No, your head is a head. That is a clock."

I persisted (because I STILL didn't get it) and he said to the other people in the room "can we all agree that that is a clock, and not a head?"

I finally got it, and said "It's a clock, but it's also ahead - like one word - ahead."

"No, the clock is running fast, but it is not a head."

My friend - "it can't run because it doesn't have any legs."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WackidWally
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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I got my campers good this morning...

I run a summer day camp for about 130 campers each day. This morning I woke up to a thunderstorm, and as a camp director, that meant all schedules and activities are out the window and something different had to be done.

I greeted all the campers at the morning assembly and said, "Looks like the rain has put a "damp"---er on things!"

It was met with resounding groans from the staff and older kids and a great giggle from the younger campers.

I was soooo proud!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/appgrad22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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Giving out dadjokes for Xmas

My girlfriend and I were visiting her mother for the holidays. She's a sweet li'l ol' church lady, and my gf & I were expecting to have an evening to ourselves while she went to choir practice -- until she got a call from the musical director saying he was sick, and that practice would be cancelled.

"Well," I said, "I guess her presence is no longer re-choired."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemthenga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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My Dad caught me with this one today

I was traveling with my Dad today in the car when we passed the funeral directors; it's the dead centre of the town!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Omega_Sunblade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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Let out a good one in Band Class today.

My teacher was telling us of a secret band directors facebook page. I asked if I could join it, and he said no. Band directors only.

I replied with, "So I'm... BAND from it?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timebomb_baby
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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Dept. director during mandatory staff meeting

Happened during a reading of an extensive legal clause, containing several 'or this ..., or that ...' statements. The entire department is listening intently, ensuring nothing is missed.

When the speaker quietly chuckles about the 'or' multitude after finally reaching the end of the clause, the director speaks up: "Wow, that sentence should be mined!"

Groans around the room.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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My Dad was in a choir

So my dad was in a choir a long time ago and the sopranos were having trouble hitting a high a in one of the songs they were doing

The director says "alright i think we'll take a break and get back to that part"

Without a beat my dad responds "i guess that would be a Hiatus"

He still tells the story of the time he told the joke like 10 years later.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcBoober57
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
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Woman marries a funeral director

Just saw this on facebook...

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a β€˜funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, β€˜I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sir_mrej
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2014
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Dad got me at the dinner table.

Mom: Did you hear your cousin is now the Deputy Director of anti guns organization

Dad: How can the deputy be against guns?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/digiexafan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2015
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Did you know William Shakespeare was a low brass musician?

You can tell if you listen closely to the dialogue in his plays.

"Tuba, or not tuba..."

Told by my late band director. RIP Larry!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
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Dad joke at a band concert

Director tuning the band "let us get a quick A"

Dad leans over to me "must be Canadian"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riptide747
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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So my dad asked "were there dice in the play Alice in Wonderland?"...

...And my mom says "no, there were cards, why?"

To which my dad responds, "oh that's too bad. If they needed an understudy, the director could say 'And tonight, the role of dice will be played by...'"

My mom just gave me the "why did I marry this guy" look. It was a nice moment.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ojbway
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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Had a good one at choir practice

We were singing Handel's "Israel in Egypt." The last movement has the line "The horse and his rider" repeated several times. Towards the end of a measure, it slows down and often people miss it and sing it up tempo. Our choir director said "The last 'rider' isn't as fast as the others."

A guy from the back cracks "That'd be why he's in last place!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckedAsBored
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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Dads take on chorale arrangements

We are sitting at the dinner table after church. My sister says, "man, the choir director had me singing low today. I know I was singing lower than the tenors."

My dad without missing a beat, "Hmm. You must have been singing a niner."

I think I choked on my food from that one.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tharvis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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On his job as a funeral director

My mom and dad are funeral directors, and we live in an apartment on top of the shop.

I was at a friends house yesterday, and my dad came around to pick me up. The friends house is like far out into the woods, so it's kinda hard to find, but he got in on the first try. So I got in the car and this conversation happened:

 

Thanks for picking me up, glad you could find the place.

>No problem, it's what I do for a living

??

>I get called up in the middle of the night, get in my car and drive to some house I've never been to before

...

>Then I pick someone up who needs my help, drive them all the way back to the shop and feel that I've done something good this night.

 

He's the only person I know that is able to joke around this much about his profession. It's pretty darn cool!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehEmperorOfLulz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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