I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?
If good;
The good news is there is no bad news.
If bad;
The bad news is there is no good news.
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.
I think Harry would like an order of wings right about now...
I would like to go to Holland some day
I would like to see a heart attack
I thought you folks would like this
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Why would I buy flowers when I don't like them!
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.
To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.
Would you like to know how I got from Iraq to Afghanistan?
I would like to thank my dad for teaching me the word "apportion".
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I would like to personally thank this sub.
Every morning when I email my team their daily tasks, I include a joke from this sub. and I appreciate you all so I can try to make everyone laugh a little before rough work at a hospital. So thanks dads!
I would like to start doing Yoga but I can never find the time to.
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.
I like to keep all my bases covered.
I thought you guys would like this
I would like to share you this joke about peanut butter but I won’t.
Because you might spread it.
My wife asked if I would like to BBQ some brats for dinner. I said, “No way, babe.”
I thought the defense would like my joke about the quarterback
I guess it was too offensive
I would like to say a good chemistry joke, but...
I would like to clarify that I am not slutdust
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Today I met a fish and the meeting went pretty well. I told him I would like to meet him again, but it got upset and swam away.
I guess, "I'll catch you later" wasn't the right phrase.
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
All I would like for Christmas is a mind controlled air freshener
It makes sense when you think about it
(Say it out loud if you're confused)
I thought y’all would like this. Lol
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
I would like to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me, and my fingers because i could count on them
When the barber asks me if I would like more cut off
I mini-figured you would like this pun.
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
“Would you like your tires rotated sir?” Dad: “I’m pretty sure they rotate when I drive buddy, haha.”
I made a pun image for a character from a video game i like, someone said it would fit in here as well
I took the Agnetha from ABBA our for dinner once. I bumped into her again last week and asked if she enjoyed it and would she like to go for dinner again. She said...
“There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, For a Nandos.”
I would really like a watch for my birthday.
After all. There’s no present like the time.
I didn't think I would really like having a beard,
When I broke up with my ex she told me that I would never find anyone like her. I told her,
A guy went to a pet shop. “I’d like to buy a goldfish please”. “Certainly sir. Would you like an aquarium?” ...
“I don’t care what star sign it is” The guy replies.
I want to talk to you guys about how I would really like to identify as a type of writing font
I was complaining about being pregnant, saying I felt like I would be pregnant for all eternity.
To which my dad replied, "You mean all maternity?"
I would like to no what this has to do with lumber
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”
“Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
I would like to tell you guys an original chemistry joke
but all the good ones Argon
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