I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.

I call him Dr. Awkward.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

β€œLook! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_reddit03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
And Jesus said "come forth and win the kingdom of heaven!"

But I came 5th and won a teapot.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the kings and queens of the beverage kingdom?

The Royaltea

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AyalaST
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the largest superlative of the animal kingdom?

Elephantastic

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HallaienHelge
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A limb, a limb, my kingdom for a limb
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grenadier_Hanz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Vulture Problems (and apologies to Kansas)

The Prince of the vultures had always been a rebel, but he surprised everyone when he announced he was going to be a vegetarian. And nobody expected this to divide the vulture kingdom, with nearly half the vultures supporting the Prince's choice. Tempers flared, and civil war was brewing when the Prince burst into the King's chambers.

"Father," he cried, "I never meant to cause this. I'll do anything you say to reunite the kingdom. Please, Father, what should I eat?"

The King set a plate of roadkill in front of the Prince, and said "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rjsquirrel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/some-tortel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A KING WHO PROVIDES FREE ELECTRICITY TO HIS KINGDOM...

IS AN AMPERERER

πŸ‘︎ 227
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSwastik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?

Dam right they are.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?

Because it would defeat the porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Eat_Comma_Dogs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What should you absolutely NEVER name a couch store?

Sofa Kingdom

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is the most religious animal in the animal kingdom?

The mantis, because they are always praying.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
When kingdoms fought in the middle ages

They were playing for keeps.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Where In the animal kingdom do you go to get stuff opened?

Crow-bars

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How do the people of the 7 kingdoms pay for their coffee?

With their starbucks

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom do when she wants to make a hard copy of the monologue she will deliver at her inauguration?

She prints-a-speech.

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fnnythe3hd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
🚨︎ report
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMakeItAllUp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
If the Animal Kingdom was a dictatorship, why would a cow be named ruler?

Because cows have udder control.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cobbywriter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Whats the most sexually active animal in the animal kingdom?

a rhino because its horny

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flickrfrog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Giraffes have something that no other animals in the animal kingdom have. Do you know what that is?

Baby Giraffes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gambotron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do they put you when you're arrested in the Chocolate Kingdom?

Behind Fudge Bars

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SopwithStrutter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Of the entire animal kingdom, I'd have to say my favorite

Is steak... medium with just a little pink inside. With a salad is nice too. And potato with butter. Mmmm... love those steaks, roaming wild on the Savannah.

Sorry. Got distracted.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a kingdom ruled by grass?

A lawnarchy

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/projectimperfect
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2016
🚨︎ report
I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, β€œYOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

I went full sexist pig, β€œYOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”

She replied coldly, β€œNo, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

I guffawed, β€œI can’t believe that, show me!”

So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, β€œHEBREWS!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
The Three Kingdoms

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmonkey95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Look, Simba. Everything the little fluffy bits touch is our kingdom.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0xFFF1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
🚨︎ report
How did the wise king of the cats bring peace to his warring kingdom?

He said: "Me-oww. You-oww. We-oww... NoMoOwe"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marlinspike
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Pun Request!!!

Hey all! I'm writing a play for my third grade class all about healthy habits and it's full of TV parodies. One show is Game of Thrones. For example, one character is Jon Snowpea. Can you guys help me come up with some food or exercise puns for the full title of Danaerys: Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name,Β The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms,Β Breaker of ChainsΒ andΒ Mother of Dragons”. Thanks!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AllieBallie22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
WWE decided to stop John Cena pay-per-view events in the United Kingdom.

Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him.

Ba dum tss

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebadconsultant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
🚨︎ report
My house is my kingdom. I always have the final word.

right honey?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KokishinNeko
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2016
🚨︎ report
There’s nothing that’s state owned in The UK

It’s kingdom owned

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M-Bumtaia
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
During the Polish-Swedish war, Sweden conquered the city of Bydgoszcz and renamed it as Bromberg.

Bromberg later became part of the Kingdom of Prussia, changed hands a few more times (including a short period of Napoleonic rule), before it finally became Polish again after World War I. The Polish government reinstated the old name of the city, deciding to let Bydgoszcz be Bydgoszcz.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jolindbe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates...

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

πŸ‘︎ 286
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thora-suan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My Favorite Dad Joke

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

πŸ‘︎ 343
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fracturedsplintX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
That's an Oddly Shaped Pie

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".

The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.

So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

πŸ‘︎ 375
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomfc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Got my whole class with this gem...

So we were talking about what separates humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom, and we got on the subject of mice. Prof had mentioned that a mouse will laugh if you tickle it's belly, but you can't tell it a good joke. My reply: "it might if it's really cheesy"

badum, tiss

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I guess we can call the music in a segment of a popular Square Enix game...

Kingdom Hearts 3DM

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clapton_Coil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Posted around my college campus imgur.com/OxH1Lu0
πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderCunningham
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the Celts hate paintings so much?

Well, many of them couldn't stand to be depicted.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CruelPuns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
🚨︎ report
My jokes are expected...But every so often I surprise myself...

I normally telegraph my jokes, but this one was totally natural... Talking to my wife about my sister's upcoming trip to DisneyWorld and how they were going in May...

Wife..."have talked to your sister about crowds because of the opening of Pandora at Animal Kingdom?"

"Yeh, they are going down opening weekend, but skipping Animal Kingdom completely, I bet it's going to be a real zoo there..."

Edit

Obligatory eye roll and groan.

"Holy crap, I didn't even do that on purpose!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lilbandit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call the kings and queens of the coffee kingdom?

The Royaltea

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.