Kiddo Puns

Q: What happens when you goose a ghost?

A: You get a handful of sheet.

Daughter: tries to pull my foot off.

“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.

My sister wanted to make sure he is checking his emails and being responsible....so I send him daily jokes. Not sure if this link works, but if this cool kiddo burrito finds this someday...your emails back are the highlight of my days. http://imgur.com/a/llxi1lO

"If you have ten dollars and ask your dad for ten dollars, how many dollars do you have?"

A student replied, "10 dollars"

The teacher responds, "You don't know your maths, kiddo"

To which the student replies, "Well you don't know my dad"

Kiddo: Geez whiz dad, we didn't get any snow at all this year!

Papa: Yeah, it never used to be like this back in the colden days...

Everyone: sigh

He said "kiddo wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Father says, “thaw it out, kiddo”.

The plot thickens

"Hey kiddo, I'm heading to the store for cigarettes, I'll be back in a minute."

It's just a phase, kiddo

He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says “Sorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”

Jusy got a random text from her after picking up my son for the weekend.

Her: Hey, how much do used PS3'S run?

Me: Not a whole lot, they don't have legs.

No idea why I'm single. I'm fucking hilarious.

We were explaining the word depth and how it relates to the word of deep.

Kid can't say the word depth. So he said:"the entire univuse is pretty Def right dad?!"

I chimed in immediately: "I'm sure it is kiddo universe due to the too few ears in it."

"Sorry kiddo, I don't have any. Ask the dog he has got one."

Ai, kiddo!

My 2 year old daughter figured out she could wear her underwear on her head. My wife told her to show me.

Kid: "Daddy, I wear the undies!"
Me: "Kiddo, you wear undies under. Wearing them over makes them ovaries"

My wife keeled over and started coughing from laughter.

Kiddo: But... your name is Tim.

Me: Right. I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.

Me: Whats up, kiddo?

10 yr old daughter: Whats up....adulto?

I feel like she dad joked me, even though it's not a pun.

Idk. Downvote it to hell if you want. Still thought it was funny!

We went to get some food at Taco Cabana this evening. My son is waiting in the car because "Dad, I'm wearing a white t-shirt" (OK then, kiddo).

Order takes a while. After 15 minutes he texts me.

Son: "Dude where r u".

Me: "Sorry, still waiting for the food".

Me: "Hey they are renaming the restaurant!"

Son: "Yeah?"

Me: "Taco Slowbana"

Son: ...

I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.

I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.

Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.

Wife: Where is it?

Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.

She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.

My daughter and I just a few minutes ago. It was adorable, needless to say.

>Me: What do you wanna watch, horseys (MLP) or Elmo World (Sesame Street actually)?

>uh-huh

>Elmo World or horseys?

>uh-huh

>Elmo World?

>uh-huh

>or horseys?

>uh-huh

>Kiddo, you can only choose one!

>One! ^holds ^up ^one ^finger

My kiddo is great, so smart and after one of our amazing conversations on such subjects as climate change while listening to NPR, devised this meme together :)

https://imgur.com/gallery/hwHqb

I took my daughter to get some keys cut at Home Depot. She picked out a pink one and I picked out a super awesome Star Wars key. They cut her key first followed by mine

"Daddy, the machine is louder cutting your key"

"Well kiddo, that's because Star Wars keys need more Force"

Dad: Guess what kiddo, I'm 53 today! Kid: Oh wow, Dad, happy birthday! Dad: It's not my birthday, I'm just letting you know I'm 53 today. Kid: .........

My wife couldn't open a jar of grape jelly. Our two year old didn't understand why she had to bring it to me. He was only concerned with how long it was taking to make his sandwich. I opened it, but it was pretty hard because the jelly had caked around the threads and dried in place, gluing the lid to the jar.

My wife saw our son getting impatient and told him, "Hold on kiddo, mommy couldn't open the jar, so she had to bring it to daddy. Even daddy had a hard time opening it."

At this point, my internal dad joke radar started screaming a proximity warning. The collision with a dad joke was imminent. I smiled, took half a second to bask in my dad glory, and added, "Yeah, it was jammed."

Wife groaned, but son laughed (because he saw the lid was finally open). I take whatever I can get.

And I know most of you here can do better than my,

While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."

Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?

Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.

Wife: "Did you see your brother out on the soccer field?!"

Kiddo: "Yeah!"

Wife: "Who was he out there with?"

<giggling intensifies>

Kiddo: "HUMANS!"

What's that, kiddo?

Band homework!

But...you shouldn't be allowed to do it then!

Why not?

Well, if it's been banned, then...

<exasperated sigh>

Kiddo : Enters stage left.
Dad   : "What are you still doing awake? Go to bed."
Kiddo : "But I feel like there's something I need but I don't know what it is."
Dad   : "There is something you need that you're not getting right now."
Kiddo : "What's that?"
Dad   : "Sleep. Go to bed."
Kiddo : Exits stage right, sardonic expression that simply says "Dad, am not amused."

I was telling my husband that our poor kiddo has hemorrhoids.

He says: Go tell him he's a pain in the ass.

Can't. stop. laughing.

A little back-story. He's in college while I'm about to finish school.

Him: Haha, you're still in school, kiddo. I'm ANCIENT!

Me: I would totally exploit your ruins!

Him: Wooww, smooth.

Me: I'm so sorry for textually harassing you...

DAD: Yeah this thing better not go down... I have a lot of money invested in these kiddos. Each one is in REFORM school. DAUGHTER: you give such a good impression of us... DAD: I sure do! I put the M in M - barrassing!!!

Wut