Please destroy me for this monster ive created
π︎ 742
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
Ive checked and checked and i just cant work out why my calculator has stopped working!!!
It just doesnβt add up.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Ive invented a product that increases the size of your basement...
I hope it is a big cellar.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Ive been reading this book called βThe A to Z of Northern Europeβ, but itβs taking me ages...
Not sure Iβll ever get to the Finish
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Ive painstakingly identified the 4 Horsemen Of The Apocolypse
- Toast Malone
- Vladimir Gluten
- Elon Crust
- Bread Sheeran
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Ive invented a new phone charger
The results are shocking.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Ive never owned a telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
Ive never been to central europe,
but I might czech it out.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 28 2020
Ive just bought a wooden car. Itβs got a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Thereβs just one problem...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 09 2020
Ive always been fond of winter
The people always seem to be cooler
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
ive pissed and shit
π︎ 27
π
︎ May 23 2019
Ive been waiting all year to post this
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 31 2014
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 05 2019
Ive recently got a job making chess pieces
I'm currently working knights
π︎ 105
π
︎ Aug 02 2018
As i get older and remember all the people ive lost along the way, I think...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasnβt for me
π︎ 20
π
︎ Aug 09 2019
Ive been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 22 2018
Ive been trying to grow my food, to be more healthy
I just can't find any bacon seeds
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 08 2019
Ive been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper
I only intended to rough him up abit
π︎ 24
π
︎ May 08 2019
Ive got a petunia who doesnt know if its a boy or a girl.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
Ive been going to this amazing socialist prenatal yoga center called Stretch Marx.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 26 2018
ive been reading this great book about anti gravity....
I just cant seem to put it down
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 03 2019
Ive just discovered you can get viagra tea bags.....
They don't improve your sex life.
But they stop your biscuits going soft. π
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 12 2019
Ive discovered a synonym for Ironman
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 05 2018
Im convinced that ive got a foot disease
There's not a gout in my mind.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 19 2018
Ive noticed that black people love boomboxes
Im not racist or anything. Its just their stereotype
π︎ 118
π
︎ Aug 05 2014
Ive de-faced federal currency
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 23 2017
I can count the amount of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 29 2018
Ive always wanted a small room to store asian cooking tools
you know, a Wok-in closet
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 04 2017
Ive been reading books about fans
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 20 2017
Ive been trying to work out if the grass really is greener on the other side.
But so far I'm still on the fence.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 12 2017
Ive been Dad joking everyone lately
I recently got a haircut and it's a lot shorter than what it used to be. Every time someone comes up to me and goes "oh i like your hair" I just reply "Thanks. I grew it myself"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 10 2014
Did this at work to a client (Ive been practicing baby is due in January, hope this still counts)
Client: this building looks horrible I wouldn't be surprised if there was asbestos everywhere
Me: hey we are doing as bestas we can!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 12 2014
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