So scientists finally discovered a fossilised dinosaur butt. For it to survive intact all that time...

It must have been a megasaurus.

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📅︎ Jan 20 2021
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Egg: If you take me seriously, you'll leave my shell intact and not remove my whites. Me: *Breaks Egg and removes whites*

Egg: Am I a yolk to you?

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👤︎ u/goddred
📅︎ May 27 2020
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What part of the Titanic is still intact?

The pool!

👍︎ 99
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📅︎ Feb 04 2018
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I've never been to a gentleman's club, but I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2 Calvin & Hobbes pannels intact,

so yeah I've had a strip tease.

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📅︎ Nov 28 2017
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So I had just finished my Data Visualisation assignment on Microsoft Excel when suddenly it crashed. I nearly shit me cacks when I realised I forgot to save it. Thanks be to jaysus the program restarted with my graph intact...

... Lads, I almost lost the plot.

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👤︎ u/pot8toes
📅︎ Oct 25 2017
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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👤︎ u/Asurarkt
📅︎ Jul 09 2020
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Why did the Eskimo have to cut up his dinner?

Because the seal was intact.

(Son's reaction: "I'm just going to pretend I never heard that...")

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👤︎ u/rc538
📅︎ Feb 15 2019
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I called my 89 year old dad today.

Happy Father's Day, Dad! How are you?

"What?"

HOW ARE YOU?

Well, my eyes are worse, my hearing is worse, my mind is a lot worse, but my most important sense is intact."

What's that Dad?

"My sense of humor!"

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📅︎ Jun 22 2015
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Put a check through the washer recently.

It survived mostly intact, fortunately, so I went to the bank and asked if they took laundered money.

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👤︎ u/Ratiqu
📅︎ Dec 02 2013
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I've never been to a gentleman's club, but I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2 Calvin & Hobbes pannels intact,

so yeah I've had a strip tease.

👍︎ 14
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📅︎ Apr 08 2017
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