I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk
π︎ 51
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
My mates and I are in a band called "Duvet".
π︎ 94
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I thought that I finally met my sowl mate...
But she said I was too boar-ing.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 25 2021
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, βwhat are the symptoms?β
I said, βtheyβre a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggieβ
π︎ 212
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 26 2021
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
Iβve had a lot on my plate recently.
π︎ 56
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
π︎ 76
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︎ Nov 06 2020
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
π︎ 111
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︎ Jul 07 2020
My best mates and i played a game of hide and seek, it went on for hours
Good friends are hard to find.
π︎ 17
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︎ Sep 30 2020
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! Iβm dead serious mate!
Itβs been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
I was talking to my mate earlier...
when I thought to myself "why the fuck are you called Earlier?"
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 27 2020
I tried making flour mate but it didn't work!
I thought it could be bred!
π︎ 3
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︎ May 02 2020
I used to have a room mate. I would clean his room and he would clean mine
We were maid for eachother
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 13 2019
We were at the library when my mate asked "Hey, could I borrow your book mark?"
I got mad and walked out. After 3 years of being college flatmates, he doesn't even know my name is Tom.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 09 2020
Iβve got a mate writing a tell all book about life in the snow plough business.
He says it will be a very gritty read.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 30 2020
I bumped into my very short mate Peter down the pub. He told a few hilarious stories about the flatbread factory he works in.
I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete
π︎ 18
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︎ Oct 16 2019
I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.
She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.
π︎ 18
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︎ Oct 03 2019
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in different wrappers.
Tonight he really got his Snickers in a Twix
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 24 2019
My mate told me that putting superglue on my rifle was a bad idea, but I'm sticking to my guns
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 26 2019
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
π︎ 160
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︎ Sep 08 2018
Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2:In space, no one can. Here, use cream
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 23 2019
I saw Kian from Westlife drinking a can of red bull. I said βcome on mate, make your mind upβ.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 10 2019
Unknowingly Dad joked my mate's dad when I was 8. 14 years later he still brings it up.
I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum.
As i walk in:
Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut?
Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 15 2014
A mate and I were at a bar one night, when...
... half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, "You're at our table. Get lost. Now."
My mate whispered to me, "Just pretend we're the police".
I thought this was a great idea. Butβ >!I only got halfway through the first line of "Roxanne" before they started beating the crap out of us!<
π︎ 12
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︎ May 27 2019
I got a mate who loves sitting outside Windows...
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 24 2019
My mate and I were talking about our budgets for the month
And I had to throw in my two cents.
π︎ 2
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︎ May 17 2018
Hello /r/dadjokes, my best mate has just started seeing a girl who is in med school. Iβm desperate for some doctor related dadjokes/puns/innuendos to lay on him.
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 01 2017
I went to the Service Station to get an Ice Cream with my two cousins and my mate...
Before I start; a golden gaytime is an ice cream that's pretty big in Australia.
So we went to the servo to get an ice cream. We were having a look when my cousin says "Hmm, I think I might have a Gaytime", to which I replied "Well when you're done just buy an ice cream and meet us at home."
π︎ 21
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︎ Dec 26 2014
Sorry mate, I broke your axe head...
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 20 2014
I told my mate I had been practicing my headers and volleys
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 04 2016
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I've had a lot on my plate recently.
π︎ 20
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︎ Nov 14 2019
I put my mates chocolate bars in different wrappers. Needless to say,
He got his snickers in a twix.
π︎ 27
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︎ Nov 29 2018
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