I canβt believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 31 2022
When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party
π︎ 4k
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︎ Feb 21 2022
I put up an electric fence around my house.
My neighbor is dead against it.
π︎ 682
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︎ Feb 12 2022
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
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︎ Jan 23 2022
I just moved out of my parents house, and they gave me some of their kitchen suppliesβ¦
Theyβre always encouraging me to take whisks.
π︎ 56
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︎ Mar 02 2022
I got my daughter a house warming gift...
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 03 2022
I rallied the kids and we all secretly did house work while Mom was out running errands
It was a cleandestine operation.
π︎ 202
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︎ Feb 07 2022
I just canβt believe this, robbers broke into my house, but all they took was my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
π︎ 690
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︎ Dec 24 2021
I hired an Eastern European cleaner, but it took her 15 hours to hover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak
(Sent to me by my friend Craig)
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 08 2022
My gf and I are removing old ducting from our house that contains asbestos. She asked if the workers will for sure be able to get rid of it all.
I told her they'll do asbestos they can!
π︎ 26
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︎ Feb 14 2022
I am watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The beginning. I get to the part where the heroine is hiding in a vat of waste from the slaughter house. I can't help but think, well that's just offal
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 16 2022
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my houseβ¦
but the kids still get in.
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 15 2022
My daughter came limping into the house and said "Dad, I slipped on the sidewalk and hurt my knee". I looked out the window and said...
π︎ 19
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︎ Jan 22 2022
My wife caught me cheating. She took the house, made me mortgage everything else and I am currently in jail.
Boy does she take Monopoly seriously.
π︎ 382
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︎ Dec 20 2021
A herd of butterflies just laid eggs in front of my house! Obviously, I can't go out now...
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 25 2022
I got locked out of the house today. I tried talking to the lock.
Turns out that communication wasnβt key
π︎ 22
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︎ Jan 09 2022
I went to a haunted house and kept hearing bird noises, and the occasional "Polly wanna cracker!"....
.....must have been parrotnormal activity.
π︎ 174
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︎ Nov 09 2021
I finally decided to childproof my house.
Those little bastards aren't getting in this time.
π︎ 387
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︎ Oct 18 2021
I was living on a house boat and fell in love with the Girl Next Door.
But Sadly, we drifted apart.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Sep 16 2021
Every year for halloween, my wife decorates the house. She always hangs a fake chopped off head from the ceiling. This year I got a shock when I saw it.
She could have given me a headβs up.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 23 2022
I don't have a single bell installed in my house, despite this they haven't yet given me a...
π︎ 87
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︎ Nov 13 2021
During COVID I started a boat business from my house, but I had to close it down
Sails went through the roof
π︎ 22
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︎ Nov 27 2021
I spent my twenties with an irrational fear that every time I left the house people were going to leap out of the bushes to take an instant photograph of me.
I realise now that I was merely Polaroid.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 07 2022
I broke the lamp outside my neighbor's house yesterday
For some reason he's delighted
π︎ 64
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︎ Nov 23 2021
I'm having a big barbecue party at my house with beef, pork, and chicken
And for your convince, they're all within the same hotdog.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 14 2022
I wouldn't say my house had the best ceiling in the world...
But it's definitely up there
π︎ 348
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︎ Sep 21 2021
My daughter asked me to make up a Halloween joke and this is what I got. Why couldnβt the witch get into her house?
Because she lost her spo-keys
π︎ 46
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︎ Oct 31 2021
I want to set up cloning machine in your house too
π︎ 735
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︎ Aug 05 2021
Took the kids sledding at a hill in town and afterwards, while getting into our vehicle to go home, I happened to notice a nice Christmas display in the front yard of a house across the street.
Focusing on the nicely lit up deer decorations on their lawn, I asked my kids, βHow much do you think those deer weigh?β
From the back seat: βI donβt knowβ and βWho cares?β and βWhat are you talking about?β
Me: βIβm just saying, they look pretty light.β
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 10 2021
On my way home from work on October 20th, I saw a house in what the night before was a vacant lot. The next night, it wasn't there. Then, on November 19th it was back. But it was gone the next day.
I suspect it will be there December 18th as well. I think it's a werehouse.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 08 2021
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I donβt have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 11 2021
I'm too poor to hire a cleaning service so I have to clean my house myself
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 01 2021
Wife mad. Construction of new house has stalled - builder has just walked off the job. Early on, we had a series of increasingly heated discussions about costs, but I thought we'd settled the money question. But now it seems the final straw is a disagreement we have over the price of the chimney...
I am insisting that the chimney has to be on the house... but that builder, what he wants is just through the roof!
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 22 2021
I will never hire another duck to do work at my house
π︎ 15
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︎ Oct 14 2021
So, I stop by my buddyβs house on my way home from work. His wifeβs been doing some redecorating.
I sat down in this bright green chair and out of nowhere, my voice changed. I started talking funny. My buddy says β Oh yeah, that there is the new accent chair.β
π︎ 20
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︎ Nov 11 2021
When closing on my new house I went to the bank with a sack of feathers...
...but they refused to accept my down payment.
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 02 2021
My fellow eskimos threw me a house warming party when I moved into my igloo
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 22 2022
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house warming party..
π︎ 85
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︎ Jan 17 2022
I moved into my new igloo, and my friends threw me a surprise house warming party!
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 22 2022
I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.
My neighbour is dead against it.
π︎ 282
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︎ Oct 15 2021
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw a house warming party
π︎ 869
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︎ Aug 30 2021
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a house warming party
π︎ 148
π
︎ Aug 29 2021
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