My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Aug 17 2022
I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.
I may have a poltrygeist.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jul 18 2022
So Iβm over at a friends house, helping her pack some luggage. I said to her
I put your stuff in that wheelie bag. To which her Dad responded βDid you wheelie do thatβ (true story)
π︎ 66
π
︎ Aug 23 2022
My son purposely burned our house down so I said to my wife..
π︎ 99
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︎ Jul 18 2022
I know a guy that lives in a glass house.
He's just a stone's throw from me.
π︎ 20
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︎ Aug 18 2022
I was asked if I could spend 24 hours straight in a haunted house and I have to be honest...
The answer is no, because I'm gay.
π︎ 962
π
︎ Jun 10 2022
I tried to eat every clock, watch and hourglass in my house
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 05 2022
I asked my neighbor if there was a John in his house. He said no.
I wonder how he uses the bathroom.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 23 2022
I literally just killed a scorpion in my house
I was like βGET OVER HERE!!β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 10 2022
I want to make a combination corn maze and haunted house.
I'll call it "corn on macabre"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 09 2022
I was struggling to understand why I sometimes dislike the color of my house.
Usually it's this very nice dark blue shade around midnight. But yesterday I came home for lunch and I was disgusted by it, so I took some pictures and the difference was night and day.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 26 2022
Bought our house a few months ago, had various issues with a couple of the interior doors and had to remove them. Now Iβmβ¦.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 24 2022
I couldn't get my motorcycle to leave the house this morning.
I think it's because the motorcycle was two tired.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jul 27 2022
I canβt believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 31 2022
As a kid, I went round my friends house for dinnerβ¦
His mother put a portion of pasta on my plate, the food looked up at me and shouted βDamn, this is one ugly kid!β
Shocked and confused I looked at my friend.
βSorry buddy, I shouldβve warned youβ he said. βMy mum makes a mean lasagnaβ.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jun 27 2022
A bunch of cows were waiting outside my house when I got home.
I think it was a steakout.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 25 2022
I went to a Psychic's house yesterday and knocked on the door.
When she asked "who is it?", I turned around and went home.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jun 30 2022
I got a job with Random House
but the house keeps changing!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 21 2022
A couple I know died recently when an aeroplane landed on their house
It was the husband's fault, he was always leaving the landing light on
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 23 2022
I was in a haunted house and they served French pancakes.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jul 09 2022
My wife is mad at me. She asked if Iβd seen her belt around the house
I asked her if it really fit around the house
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 31 2022
When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 21 2022
Iβd tell a joke about moving to a new house butβ¦
It hasnβt been unpacked yet.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 23 2022
I asked the doctor how warm we should keep our house so our newborn is comfortable.
She said to keep it at womb temperature.
π︎ 24
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︎ Jun 11 2022
I put up an electric fence around my house.
My neighbor is dead against it.
π︎ 682
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︎ Feb 12 2022
The brownish-yellow paint I used to paint my house isn't very good.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 19 2022
In a house full of caffeine addicts, I found our coffee maker broken this morningβ¦
and now thereβs trouble brewing.
π︎ 61
π
︎ May 07 2022
My son and I were building a house the other day.
I told him to do the walls.
He nailed it.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 04 2022
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Apr 16 2022
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 23 2022
I told my kids were getting obsidian floors in the next house.
Then they can play the floor is lava for real.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 04 2022
I was in Rome once, and I looked in a house window near the Vatican, late at night, to suddenly see an Italian dressing.
There was also French and Blue Cheese.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 06 2022
I met a really interesting woman in an abandoned house, and when we met, she sent chills down my spine. She moved so gracefully, that it was almost like she was floating. I thought we really hit it off, so I left her my number, but I never heard back from her.
I guess sheβs ghosting me.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 20 2022
It's that time of the year where I, as a father, get to rest in bed while my wife does everything around the house.
Or as she's calling it, Sunday.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 19 2022
I got my house inspected recently and the inspector found something in the attic.
He says I have to clean it out asbestos I can
π︎ 17
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︎ May 29 2022
The police came to my house last night, showing me a picture, asked, βIs this your wife, sir?β, I answered, βYesβ. Then they said,
βm afraid it looks like sheβs been hit by a bus.β, βI know, but sheβs good with the kidsβ, I replied
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 17 2022
I went over to my friendβs house and found him rolling a joint.
I didnβt even know he smoked.
It was a pot twist.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 01 2022
I walked into the house carrying two cases of beer and a couple of bottles of whisky.
My wife asked me if I needed any help. I said βNo thanks, I can hold my liquor.β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 14 2022
I got a second mortgage on my house just to buy scuba gear.
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 30 2022
I had a crazy dream last night that I was being chased around the house by a group of mufflers!
.... I woke up exhausted.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 20 2022
I came across jars of preserved body parts in a haunted house.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 13 2022
I have a mosquito infestation in my house and there is only one group I can think to call
π︎ 53
π
︎ Apr 04 2022
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