Did you hear about the guy shooting paper towel rolls in the wild?

He was a Bounty hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set

Goddamn those big game hunters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PissYourTits
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I went to 3 different stores trying to find some paper towels....

I guess you could call me a Bounty hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wbgsccgc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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When is five bucks a lot?

When you're a hunter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Today I went out searching for shredded coconut coated in chocolate.

They call me The Bounty Hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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What do you call a man looking for his wife in the woods?

A dear hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/revenges_captain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Anyone out shopping looking for paper towels can officially call themselves...

Bounty hunters

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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Two men are hunting in the woods...

Suddenly one of them spots tracks.

"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.

"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.

They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMayberry5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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I ran out of toilet paper

So I hired a bounty hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheYonko27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Hear about the funny gator, that kept missing his family?

Too swamped with hunters

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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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Dad-joked my Statistics class

On Thursday, I was in Statistics class, when all of the sudden, a girl from another math class nonchalantly wandered into our classroom, grabbed a few tissues from our class tissue box, and walked out, without saying a word. My teacher then jokingly suggested that our class track down people who take our classrooms tissues.

I then responded by saying, "At least she didn't take any of our paper towels. Because then, we would have to hire a Bounty hunter."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EPIDIDYMIS_HUMMUS
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
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Star Wars Puns

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!


Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!


Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short


What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi


What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks


What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be


Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul


Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!


Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!


Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.


Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.


Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.


What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.


What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda


What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2


Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt


What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? β€œThe” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.


What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.


What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2


Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.


Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt


Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe


What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett


What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke


Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.


Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn


What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones


Why did

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Why did Boba Fett get himself a pogo stick?

Cuz' he wanted to be a Bouncy Hunter!

^^^Please ^^^^don't ^^^^^hurt ^^^^^^me.

^^^^^^^I ^^^^^^^stole ^^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^from ^^^^^^Tear ^^^^^^of ^^^^^^Grace

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PuzzledKitty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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Why did the hunter cut off the grizzly bear's arms?

Because according to the 2nd amendment.....the hunter has the right to bear arms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyTwinklenugs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
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Punny names of Dark Souls 3 bosses.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

  • Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

  • Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

  • Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

  • Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

  • A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

  • Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

  • A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

  • A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

  • A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

  • Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

  • A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

  • In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

  • Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

  • Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

  • The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

  • An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

  • An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

  • Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

  • A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dralnu22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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Best dad joke on tv

On Oak Island Mysteries they are about to start drilling down to find buried treasure. One of the treasure hunters looked at the giant drill bit and "Those teeth are going to get to the bottom of this"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinfoilknight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2018
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At the grocery store . . .

Cashier: Do you have a card to gather bonus points?

Dad leans in and stares at her: I'm a hunter, not a gatherer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpiritofInvictus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2016
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Friend dadjoked her husband.

A group of ua were playing a board game where were were either hunters or shadows.

Husband : Which side are you on?

Wife (Sitting beside him) : Your right side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aureyh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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The wounds were caused by foreign bodies.

https://www.reddit.com/r/quityourbullshit/comments/5vemhh/texas_hunters_who_accidentally_shot_each_other/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolferines
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
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WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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Granddad joke, but still counts

family member: "I heard that he was an avid hunter."

Granddad: "Now, what kind of gun do you use to hunt avids?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NebulaNinja
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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Think my brother is a victim of teenage pregnancy

In the kitchen today

Bro: "Just went looking for paper towel"

Me: "Uhmmm ok"

Bro: Pulls Bounty brand paper towels from behind his back with a stupid grin "Guess that makes me a Bounty hunter"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamPandemic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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I just got dad joked by my 14 year old nephew.

Talking with my niece about her senior project at a technical high school. She is in the culinary program and must make a dish representing her heritage. Since she is 50 % Native American, she went with Venison Chili.

My husband and I are hunters and we were able to provide her with some venison this year.

She mentioned another girl in the class was also doing venison but she ordered hers online and it was mailed to her.

I told her that hers was going to be better because hers was fresh.

Her younger brother looked at me with the most serious look on his face and asked, "If it's fresh, should we put it in the corner?"

Man, is he exactly like his father (my brother) and grandfather.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenivare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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My 13 year old brother dropped this one the other day

So my little bro (13), my best friend (23), and I (23) all play the video game Monster Hunter together. My brother is working on a new set of armor in it and said this to me: "I think I'm going to make the helm for this armor set last and have it be like the crowning achievement". So me (being a new dad) look him dead in the eyes and just burst out laughing at how amazing that was. He didn't even realize he had made a stellar dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JB_Scoopz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report
The dadliest game

I play poker with a bunch of 50+ year old men every Saturday, and earlier this evening I was telling them about a documentary I watched called Head Hunters of world war 2, which is about some b17 pilots who crashed in the pacific, and were protected by a tribe of headhunters who started hunting Japanese soldiers to protect the American pilots.

After I finish telling them, one guy pipes up and says "did they find a job?"

The collective groans became raucous laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scamperly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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This is actually my mom's, but I think it belongs here.

Q: Why is a Wood Duck called a Wood Duck?

A: Because if it saw a hunter it wood duck!

This has been retold many, many times since my early childhood, and we still both crack up, even though she or I are always the ones who tell it. Just to be clear we are not idiots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jellicle_Tyger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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while watching swamp people...

a hunter stabbed a gator behind his head with a knife. my dad said, "you know what they call that? a pith. and if he does it wrong, he'll really pith that gator off."

completely straight-faced, didn't even chuckle at his own joke. maybe one day I'll be that much of a natural.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vitaminj08
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Jungle Cruise @ Disneyland

The ride is just a 10 minute string of Dad Jokes...

[referring to the head hunter]: "That's Charlie, the head salesman. This month he's offering a 2 for 1 special... you'll come out a head"

[referring to the piranhas in the river]: "Those are man-eating piranhas, so the women and children don't have much to worry about"

Any others? Sooo many....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/__Sisyphus__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
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My paper towels went missing

So I had to hire a Bounty hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxReMi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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This one is just bad.

So two hunters are doing their jobs and suddenly, one of them gets mauled by a bear. The other hunter calls 911 and says, "Hey! You need to come over quickly! My friend is being mauled by a bear! Actually, I think he might be dead!" And so the lady said "Alright, but can you make sure he's dead?" Through the phone, the lady heard a *POW* and the hunter said, "Okay, so now what?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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All the paper towels went missing from my house.

Fortunately my dog is a Bounty hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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All the paper towels in my house went missing.

I think I need to hire a Bounty hunter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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According to science, the world's funniest joke, is really a Dad Joke

Here is the joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. β€˜My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, β€˜Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, β€˜Ok, now what?’”

Here is the article to back it up: http://www.urbo.com/content/the-worlds-funniest-joke-according-to-science

Insert Mic Drop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dkunze
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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