Hopelessly Puns

Every Saturday, I see him hitting new Lowe’s.

He comes upon a monastery. Desperately tired and hungry, he knocks on the door and shortly after a solemn monk appears.

The man asks if he can come in to rest and get something to eat. The monk replies, “Of course! But all we have to eat is fish and chips.” The monk takes the man to the dining hall where the other monastics are already assembled for dinner.

After the meal the man exclaims, “That was the best meal I have ever had! I must meet the cook.”

Soon after, a portly gentleman emerges from the kitchen and greets the man. The man asks, “Are you the fish fryer?” To which the cook responds:

“No. I’m the chip monk”

...

...

...

I think I need to get a flatter dog

The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"

The moth explains to the doctor, "Well doc, my wife and I got into a fight last year. Ever since we haven't really been doing the best, and I've strung myself into a rough alcohol dependence. I've been drinking alot lately and it's done nothing but turn my life to mush. Last week my wife Carol took the two kids to her parents and I haven't heard from them since, they brought luggage so I'm guessing I won't be hearing from them anytime soon. I'm screwed, Doc. My kids are gone, my only lover is gone, I'm a hopeless drunk, I just don't know what to do."

The doctor then responds, "Well shit Mr Moth, ot sounds like you've had a hell of a year, but I have to ask you this.. why me? Why not a psychiatrist, counselor, therapist, why your family doctor?

The moth says.. "Well, the light was on!"

With a pumpkin patch.

Because it only has 1 boot.

I, for one, am hopelessly Devo-ted to the breed.

Because I’ll never find love

My friend took a sip and said, "This is hopeless.", But I think it's hop-less.

A hopeless Roman tick

Because they cantaloupe

"I'm starting to get really worried about my dad. I think he's gotten hopelessly addicted to going to different hardware stores every single weekend. Every Saturday I see him hitting new Lowe's."

Roam-eo.

Well, they're in for a shock...

So I have this friend who I call Hope (which she finds annoying btw) so I want to tell her hope puns to annoy her. Please help, you're my only hope

Mom replies, "Oh your Father, he was really a hopeless romantic."

It was hopeless - it kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it would fall apart

I really gotta stop putting myself in Hopeless situations.

Now I'm Hopeless

So me and my Dad were skyping as I live in Canada when he pulls this on me

Me: So I am going to be making Ham and Scalloped potatoes tonight

Dad: Oh yea, thats nice

Me: Yup, Ham seems to be going cheap right now so I picked up a nice one.

Dad: What the hell is wrong with your pigs over there. In England its usually the birds that go cheep cheep and the pigs go oink.

Me: Dad, you have problems.

Dad: What you talking about, you're the one with the clucking pigs I think your situation is a tad worse then mine.

Me: sigh You're hopeless.

Hopeless romainetics

“Doctore, all five of my bambinos! They have the no ambition! They all want to be valets when they grows up, jus’ like their lazy father! Can you do anything?”

“I’m afraid it is hopeless, Senora Abatangelo. It is the worst case of parking son’s disease I have ever seen.”

He's hopeless. He's got two left feet.

Dad: Hello a t...

Son: Knock Knock

Dad: Who's There?

Son: I'm a

Dad: Hi a, I'm Dad.

Son: You're hopeless.

Dad: No, I'm Dad.

I am hopeless with shoelaces.

After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.

What can I say, I’m a hopeless romaintic

I was on a college visit with my dad and we were walking through the textiles department. We walk into the loom room, which is a large room full of looms, and I knew immediately that something was coming. I looked at him and gave him a "don't you do it" look. We then walked into the dying room, which is a room where the students dye the fabrics they've just made on the looms. It was hopeless.

"Man, death was only looming in the last room. People are dying all over the place in here."

We found love in a hopeless plaice.

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

MUM: "I'm going to be old and hopeless soon"

DAD: "Yeah, you're absolutely youthless"

and a hopeless handyman, hopeless cook, hopeless husband.