The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I canβt see you if you donβt move.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
Which female rapper likes honey the most?
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 26 2021
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
π︎ 3k
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︎ Oct 04 2020
Honey
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I was trying to give away a bunch of those little bugs that make honey.
But nobody wanted my freebies.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult
But I'm just not a bee leaver.
Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!
π︎ 136
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
π︎ 37
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
The bathroom fixtures delivery man is here, honey!
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 05 2021
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, βHoney?β
She gasped audibly and said, βYeah?β
I said, βHelp! My knee is made of magnets!β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
The first time I saw her, at her honey stall at the farmers market, I knew right away...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Honey, can you grab me some ankle socks?
No, they're feet socks, silly!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Honey, you are the sun that lights my sky.
I'm glad you're there, but god I hate looking at you.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
The American honey industry uses fascinating tech
Itβs all powered by US bees.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Honey where's my super suit
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
Honey, I think you did something backwards with the carnitas...
...this pork tastes like krop.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Wife: "What are you making for dinner tonight, honey?"
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 12 2020
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
π︎ 28
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Last night my wife says "Honey will you go get us some tortilla chips and cheese?"
I looked deep into her eyes and said
"I'm nacho delivery service. "
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
You can catch a lot of flys with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 07 2020
No, not up myself honey.
π︎ 85
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︎ Jul 10 2020
Honey did Stephen King make you?
Why?
Cause you're Shining.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
I made this little Honeymoon pin, get it? Honey- moon? hope you like it! (:
π︎ 96
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︎ Mar 24 2020
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
What do you call a room full of dudes that like honey?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
Me: Honey, did you recycle the old computer, or just throw it in the trash?
My boyfriend: Neither. I put it on the .com-post.
π︎ 13
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︎ Oct 08 2020
I told my wife βHoney, thereβs a chip in our new bowls!β She was not as impressed.
π︎ 18
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...
Wife: Thatβs wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: βWeβreβ not going anywhere.
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 09 2020
My wife asked, "What's wrong honey?" I sighed, "Iβm just not having much luck with jobs lately."
"I couldnβt concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasnβt suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldnβt cut it as barber, didnβt have the patience to be a doctor, didnβt fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldnβt see any future as a historian!"
π︎ 22
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︎ Aug 18 2020
My wife asked, βHoney, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? Itβs too high for me.β
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
π︎ 23
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︎ Aug 08 2020
A wife says to her husband: "Honey, I want to donate my clothes to people who are starving."
The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."
(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 03 2020
I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world."
Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
π︎ 38
π
︎ May 23 2020
I told my wife at dinner, "honey your chicken parmesan reminds me of a poutine" she said "how's that?"
Because I want to poutine my mouth.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
Honey! I finally got the car seat in the car! Whereβs the kid?
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 04 2020
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 03 2019
Grandpa: Don't come in here honey, I just passed a silent one.
Grandma: You need a new battery for your hearing aid.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 19 2019
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 28 2020
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
π︎ 8k
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Hi honey I'm pregnant. Hi pregnant, I'm dad.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 20 2020
You can catch flies using honey
But youβll catch more honeys being fly
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
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