2 muffins baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Gosh, it's hot in here". The other replies;

"AAAAHH! TALKING MUFFIN!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdbsplashum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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"Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"

"I know! And it's not working!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Judge1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Gosh Karen
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/msthrowaway5546
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
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We were watching the game, and there were two minutes left. The other team had the ball, I said β€œgosh, they’ve been chucking downfield all day”

β€œIt’s a real toss up”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ocars22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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I'm mentally preparing myself for the "Oh my gosh, i havent *blank* since LAST YEAR" jokes

(Ned Stark's voice) "Dadjokes are coming"

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goodguyjack2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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Where do you go, if you don't believe in Gosh?

Heck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ron_e123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
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Oh my gosh! You have a huge pimple!

Its on your shoulders! Hold Still!

>squeezes head with both hands

"it wont pop, darn it"

I did this to my kid the other day.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tknoob
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?

Hole Foods.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TalornCeleron
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?

Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theophan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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My 2.5 year old told his first dad joke.

While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s)

Letter β€œI”: W: β€œ I is for..... iguana” S: β€œiguana.... iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) β€œha, ha.”

He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imahntr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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What type of music do balloons hate?

Pop music!

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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What goes "ooh ooh"?

A cow with no lips.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxietyevangelist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
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Why did the picture go to jail?

It was framed.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Trik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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I don’t know how to make good titles so I’m writing this to duck out of the responsibility of entertaining you.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-Pork-Chop-57
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?

Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trowj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?

A Spaghetto

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction

So I grabbed my things and right.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DandyBeyond
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Arrested for stealing a calendar.

I got 12 months.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drjamjam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
🚨︎ report
He'll cause you pain and suffering
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paper-machete56
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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I wrote a book about birds that was pretty successful...

It literally flew off the shelf

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trashcancomic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
A used toothpick is pointless.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThickPrick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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My wife got me again

I showed her the post of the front page of the petrified opal tree trunks and without skipping a beat she said, β€œ gosh, I wonder what they are so scared of?” Took me a minute to realize. She got me good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RexUniversi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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What did lighting McQueen say when he hit the wall?

KachOW!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scotticustamus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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PSA: don't forget the " took you a year to respond" joke.

Now that 2019 is around the corner, you can achieve ultimate dad stats by sending a message to your contacts near the end of 2018. Then, send "Why did you wait a year to respond ?".

This only works once a year so be prepared.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MegaDankAccount
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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Had my best man speech for my best friends wedding yesterday and I finished with a great one

"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception

  • thanks for the upvotes! Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a pun-ishing wait to get there
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustinioForza
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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I have a friend who likes to make his own custom custards....

And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.

I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.

"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"

I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.

"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Undope
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Did you hear about the angry cow yesterday?

He was in a bad moooood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smelliott22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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Hand soap
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amphetamachine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
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Did you here about the guy that invented lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OCR9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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[Request] Hospital/Medical Puns

r/puns I am calling on you in time of great need! My friend is going off to a hospital to do some work experience for 2 weeks and he needs all the hospital/medical puns that r/puns can muster!

Any and all suggestions relating to hospitals would be greatly appreciated.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iimalteaserii
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2013
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"Don't talk to the liard, kids!"

So, I'm new to this subreddit, so please don't berate me for posting a story instead of a joke ;-;

Anyways, my friend came over to my house for a 2 day sleepover a few weeks ago, and during the sleepover, we went to Petco to buy some stuff for my ferret. While we were there, we just kept gossiping about how cute all the animals there were. There were parrots, other ferrets, turtles, fish, a cat, and lizards.

When we were checking out the lizards, my dad immediately started to warn us about them...

"Don't talk to the lizard, kids! It might want to sell you car insurance! It'll only take 15 minutes or less!"

Gosh, I love my dad XD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuskiePupper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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Just flew in from L.A!

Gosh, my arms are tired.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koodallas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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Horseback riding

I asked the leader of our group:

β€œHow much horse power this thing have?”

Leader: β€œAre you serious?”

Wife: β€œOh my gosh...he does this all the time”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kekesupreme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Unsolicited Calls. ‭

‭020 8125 7830‬: Hello, I’m calling about the accident you had in the last two years. Me: Gosh how did you know I trapped my cock in the hotel drawer? ‭020 8125 7830‬: (hesitation) So you’ve had an accident within the last two years? Me: Yes I trapped my penis in the drawer at a Holiday Inn. Now it’s gone a funny colour, and hurts all the time. ‭020 8125 7830‬: (hesitation.....) Click.

BLOCKED.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SiBodoh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
*Driving past a field of wind turbines*

Dad: Gosh, how wasteful! Who even needs all of these fans out here in the middle of nowhere?!

Gets me every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malpal1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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What's heck?

It's where you go if you don't believe in gosh.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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