Tootinβ common.
But they have their toots in common.
Because they had a toot-in-common
A Tooty Fruity.
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
Lactose McTolerant
He was Tootinβ ramen...
They say he was silent but deadly.
But I bet to the right gastroenterologist, it squeaks volumes.
Count Flatula
A prostitoot.
"I am too." She said and started to snuggle up.
"I guess that means we're Egyptian."
"Why?" She asked.
"Because we're King Toots-in-common."
Me: "I'm kind of like Egypt."
Daughter: "How's that?"
Me: "We both have toot-in-common."
Private Tutor
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
Wife: Thank you, not everybody would warn people... classy move!
Me: I think you mean gassy move
...anybody knows a good divorce lawyer?
When talking about breastfeeding our newborn and how he has been sooooo gassy:
Grandma (my mom): the sucking helps to relax the colon so that will help.
Me (new dad): I'll be damned if you think I'm going to suck on his colon
Cue groans and a slap upside my head.
> Her: Looks like the car is almost out of gas
> me: I guess it must not be feeling too gassy then.
While talking with my mom about possible names for our unborn son the name Wyatt came up. My father interjects with "I hope he isn't gassy." I walked right into that one with a "Why?" He responds "Because then he would be Wyatt Burp."
Tootin Common
