Unhealthy Puns

Yes, and?

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

I really need to draw the lime somewhere.

and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr

I have seen all the patterns.

I don’t know but you’ll agree you’re butter off without it.

I think he lacks toast intolerance.

Took me about a week but I just finished the last pint of ice cream.

I think I’ll call it the dark side of the spoon.

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

I've got my ion you

I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.

Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage

Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.

Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!

I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.

We have a one year old son who is learning to use a cup. Tonight he was on the porch, "drinking" some water wearing a new and adorable little Nike outfit. The shirt got soaked so I took it off and let him continue to "drink" from his cup. Well of course he eventually dumped it on the floor.

So Dad is sitting there and he tells me to "just wipe it up with the shirt".

I say "NO WAY! I'm not using this brand new Nike shirt to clean the floor!"

Dad responds with "Just Do it™…"

...and looked at me with a face like it was the most clever hysterical thing that has ever been uttered in human history.

Me and this poor kid have a long road ahead of us...

They are simply tired because they can't get a good night's sleep.

Their Rem phase is unhealthy for them.

Me: "Lol, in University I make a ham and cheese sandwich for like every meal"

Mom: "Don't you wanna eat something more healthy?"

Me: "No mom, it's so good and so easy to make"

Mom: "But also so unhealthy to eat it all the time"

Dad: "Hah, so why don't you just make a cheese and ham sandwich instead of a ham and cheese sandwich? Must be way healthier! HAHAHAHA lmfao...."

-silence-

Used to be addicted to a certain pasta sauce. Would literally eat it every day, in copious amounts. Gave it up about a year ago because it was super unhealthy.

Went back to the store today and decided to get it again.

I guess I'm back on the sauce.

Told this to a friend and got the "groan" it deserved.