What do you call a horse swimming in shark infested waters?

Sea Biscuit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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My friend's place is infested with ants, but he doesn't care.

He's just ignorant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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There was a zombie infestation in South Korea's Capital

The president, hiding in a secret bunker, ordered the city to be nuked to contain the outbreak, killing both zombies and civilians in the area.

After the strike, he went to celebrate with his wife, but she was sad.

"Honey, we just ended the zombie epidemic. Why are you sad?" he asked.

She responded: "You killed millions of civilians. How can I be happy if you no longer have a Seoul?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforepic_inc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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My wife called and told me we have an ant infestation. She and asked me to bring home something good for the ants on my way home.

She looked really angry when I came home with sugar cubes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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I am working on a game about infestation

I am almost done but the debugging process has been really dificult

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartanicus2003
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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My office has a fairly server mouse infestation.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tale_of_tejon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
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My house is infested with insects, but at least they are helping me with my taxes.

They're account ants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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This has been bugging me

If a cockroach has sex with its sister, is it considered infest?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/O-Z-A-Z-Z-Y
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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My girlfriend recently bought some traps to help with our insect infestation but they haven’t been successful.

I had to let her know that we’ll need to find a different ANTS-er.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadedShred
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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A rodent infestation...

...is quite a mice thing to wish on your enemies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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My friend Phil loves to help people

He visits ant infested houses, kills all the ants for free with the condition of keeping dead ants' heads to himself.

He is a Phil-ant-trophist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mv041
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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My face was infested with lice

...and all I got was this lousy mug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/katzeklo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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We’ve been infested for a while
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qmaz246
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
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Who did dad call when his house was infested with flies?

The SWAT Team

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πŸ‘€︎ u/royaj77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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What do you get when you have an ant infestation?

Too many cousins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eviktion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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With all these stories about fecal infested water for the Olympics...

I can already tell it's going to be a real shitshow.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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What do you call an Ant infestation?

Talibants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaringAsshole
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2015
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What do you call Kentucky mosquito-infested grassland?

A conservative vector field

Got my calculus professor with this one last year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rambo_Rambowski
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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When you're an entomologist, your girlfriend calls you to save her every time there's a bug in her house

Any time there's an insect in my girlfriend's house she calls me over to handle it, usually to cup it and throw it outside. On this fine occasion I observed what looked like a very small roach (Order: Blattodea), possibly a german roach, the kind that are much less freaky huge but more likely to infest a house. Not wanting to take any chances with a german roach infestation, I immediately smashed the little guy instead of saving him.

My GF asks, "what was it? a roach?"

The body is pretty squished and it's hard to see any identifiable features.

I say, "I'm pretty sure it's a Splattodea"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobosaurusRex2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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500 bricks on an airplane and one falls off. How many are left?

((To be played back and forth with a friend as questions and answers))

[499.]

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Put elephant in. 3. Close door.]

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Put giraffe in. 4. Close door.]

All the animals attend a birthday party for the king of the jungle, except one. Who didn’t attend? [The giraffe. He’s still in the refrigerator.]

A girl swims across an alligator infested river, but safely makes it to the other side. How was that possible? [All the alligators were at the birthday party.]

The girls still dies though, how come? [The one brick from the airplane fell on her head.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaShMa_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
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"Thanks for getting me an elephant for my room!"

"Don't mention it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flayan514
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Perfect Dad Joke, no one around to hear it :(

I've been flying out of O'Hare Airport in Chicago, and I park in the economy lot. A section of the lot is just completely infested with rabbits. I was pulling into the section and 5 rabbits run accross the aisle, and I think to myself "That must be why they call this O'HARE Airport!" Unfortunately I was alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drewbeta
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
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ya know what they say about men with bigfeet

they have Sasquatch infestations

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-freshest-nino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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I mean, he did kill a lot of ants.

So I get back home from college this weekend and my mom was explaining to me how we had a pretty bad ant infestation coming in through our kitchen wall.

My dad proceeds to tell me that he's gone through two bags of ant bait (they pick the food up and bring it back to the hive) already.

I say, oh wow you must be getting pretty good at killing ants then, and he says "I guess you can just call me the master-baiter". I had to stop and literally applaud him. My mom just rolled her eyes as usual, but I have to give it to the old man this time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Need_A_Blumpkin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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There was a zombie infestation in South Korea's Capitol

The president, hiding in a secret bunker, ordered the city to be nuked to contain the outbreak, killing both zombies and civilians in the area.

After the strike, he went to celebrate with his wife, but she was sad.

"Honey, we just ended the zombie epidemic. Why are you sad?" he asked.

She responded: "You killed millions of civilians. How can I be happy if you no longer have a Seoul?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforepic_inc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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