Woohoo, i got a yob! :D
Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.
Duct tape used for everything, including puns
Richard Deferred.
There were a lot of casual tees.
I think it's infected with Mall-ware
I couldn't. Unfortunately, wireless technology is far too advanced for me.
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may divorce be with you”
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.
My bf's dad tells my parents to "take a seat" as we enter the dining room. My dad promptly takes a chair and exits, then proceeds to bust up in the next room.
It'll be called "The Gender Rage Gap"
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
I'm not a dad, but my lame humor is sending me in the right direction. My girlfriend and I were walking down the street and she turned to me and said, "Are you as tall as your parents?"
I responded, "Yeah, I'm actually taller than both of them."
She asked, "Then I wonder where you get your genes?"
I said, "Oh..... usually at the GAP."
The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.
The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.
Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.
“So as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.
“Please, call me Max”
“Alright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”
“No that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, “I’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”
Every time I'd park the car more than 6 inches away from the curb he'd open the door, look down at the gap between the car and the curb, then close the door and say "I guess we can take the shuttle."
I guess it's not really a dad joke but it's definitely dad humor. Now I say it every chance I get.
My dad and I were watching a live concert series on television, and eventually Fall out Boy came on.
"Who's that?"
"It's Fall Out Boy"
"How come I've never heard of them?"
"Well, they had a huge gap in between albums."
"Would you say they had a falling out?"
^^^Goddamitdad
Nerd1: You're going to get cancer if you have bad genes, doesn't matter what you do.
Nerd2: I'm not sure about that.
Dad: That's why I bought my jeans at the Gap.
It was, admittedly, a stop-gap solution.
Dad: So how many climbs do you do in a day?
Tour guy: Today I have three. We've never had a full 24hrs, come close to it though. One day I started at 3am, and finished the next morning at 1am, we then had another tour at 3am.
Dad: I guess you could say that you almost bridged the gap.
20 years ago Grandpa was driving us home, at night, on a country road when the headlights of an approaching car appeared in the distance. Lifting his arm up, pointing at the oncoming vehicle, he asked:
- Do you think I can fit through the gap between those two motorcycles?
We work in produce, and we were setting up the store before we opened in the wee hours of the morning.
One of my coworkers was complaining how the new containers our blueberries come in don't really fit into the table anymore (they're about 1/2 inch wider than the old ones and its a pain to stack them without leaving any gaps)
I said "yea I was experimenting with making that work yesterday but I couldn't get it to, I guess there are too many berryables"
They all groaned but I thought it was brilliant. Sorry in advance for typos/formatting. I'm on mobile
Me: "Thanks. I really need this yob"
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
Interviewer: How do you explain the for year gap in your resume?
Me : I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That's great. You're selected.
Me: Thanks I really needed this yob.
