In honor of former president Donald J. Trump

[removed]

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Handleton
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 20 2021
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Have you heard the news that Liberty University is suing the founder’s son and former university president?

That Jerry doesn’t Fall Well.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2021
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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".

"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.

"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife

The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2021
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As the disgraced saucier was forced out of his former kitchen, he threatened impotently:

"you will roux the day!!!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 30 2021
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A former female church member partnered with me in my start up.

She's nun of my business.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rajeshs33
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 06 2020
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I’ve started an organization that grants scholarships to former armed services individuals that want to become animal doctors. Grantees are awarded based on an interview process.

I call it β€œBest bets for vetting vets for vets”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2020
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I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said

β€œJust-ice has been served”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Thunderfighter6
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 04 2020
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Former VP made A movie called An Inconvenient Truth

But he should have started a band named the Al Gore Rhythm.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Elusivblak
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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What do social media and dancing former vice presidents have in common?

Al Gore Rhythms

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sam_v_s
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 18 2020
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When asked whether his former coach liked artificially flavored sugary soft drinks, Lionel Messi replied

ΒΏPep? Β‘SΓ­!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klaymens
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 06 2020
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What do you call a former FBI agent who now works delivering packages?

A Fed-Ex Ex-Fed!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/slekrons
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2020
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I needed a shirt ironed quicked so I asked a former girlfriend,

but she doesn't offer express service.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GSX-R1000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 07 2020
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I joined a support group for former computer hackers.

Anonymous Anonymous.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 87
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/radioclash86
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2020
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I am currently writing an introduction to a novel about a young man trying to find his former partner.

I guess it's an ex-position.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moonxmochi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 19 2020
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A newly enlisted recruit was in basic training, being yelled at by a former barbecue chef.

He was their Grill Sergeant.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2020
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Apparently they are still searching for the spy plane that was shot down over the former Soviet Union in 1960.

They still haven’t found what they’re looking for.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 27 2020
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I heard that a former vice president used to work on math while playing drums...

It is said that he had good AlGoreRhythm.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/spazmatikism
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 04 2020
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Gender reassignment surgeons should be called trans formers
πŸ‘οΈŽ 51
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 28 2019
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Since the US is the only country that uses British Imperial Units, it’s ironically the only former British colony to still have British rulers.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dazzler_wbacc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 13 2019
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My former friend said he liked Formula 1 but not NASCAR

I just can't be friends with someone who's raceist

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PhoconDavis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 22 2019
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Former US Vice President Al Gore is known for having invented the internet ...

Not many people know that he's also a pioneer in Artificial Intelligence and music. In fact, he's just published a new paper detailing a theory that combines his research in both fields.

He calls his theory the "Al-Gore-rhythm".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/toe-haver
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 10 2019
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My friend believes in reincarnation and says in his former life, he was a calf slaughtered for the meat.

Very revealing.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2018
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I was going to take around the former Yugoslavia

But now I'm Balkan at the idea.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2019
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Why did the former doctor regret becoming a prosecutor?

His new job was trying his patients.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 31 2019
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My social media news feed keeps showing a former vice president dancing to a beat...

... It must be Facebook's Al Gore rhythms.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kitjen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 06 2018
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What do former NBA players do after they die?

They play casketball

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bill_Slaimbeer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 02 2019
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My relationship with the former US Women's National Soccer Team goalkeeper is coming to an end

I'm starting to lose Hope. I haven't felt Solo for a long time

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Wigglesface
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 16 2019
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If you give a former lover two mints do you like...

...experiments?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PachacutiOfTheInca
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 06 2018
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Which former NFL quarterback suffered from hemophilia?

Drew Bledsoe

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/grantlouwagie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2019
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My former wife highly recommended a movie that I should take the kids to see, but I didn’t think it was appropriate.

It was ex-rated.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 28 2018
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LPT: If you ever go on a date and the person has the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall...

That's a huge red flag.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 17 2018
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Do former vegetarians have frequent deja vu?

They always say they’ve been herbivore.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Disneypenguin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 26 2018
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A former president threw a southern rock party.

Everyone was like ”Sweet home, Obama”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2018
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The former NBA commissioner was persuaded to buy a family gym package that included unlimited personal training sessions...

After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 23 2018
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What do you call a former trophy wife?

Atrophy wife.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 170
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/msoc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2015
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A former cartoonist was put to death today for robbing a video arcade.

He was drawn and quartered.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mackenenzie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 08 2018
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I sent a food parcel to my former wife. Fed Ex. punsville.com/best/page/3…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moses10960
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 14 2017
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After the stock market crash, the former millionaire was depressed

He was used to living the good life, and all the perks that go with it. His refined palette missed the fine dining, at five-star restaurants run by top chefs. Now reduced to eating macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, he looked down at his plate and contemplated suicide.

It was a wurst case scenario.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 14 2017
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When the former Chelsea goalkeeper wasn't sure of the prize money he received, what did he do?

Cech checked his Czech cheque

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/not_a_theorist
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2016
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How does your former significant other have food delivered?

Fed-Ex

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/narf007
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 17 2017
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Former Geologist Enters Post-Rock Phase thehardtimes.net/2016/08/…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mrlenny94
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 18 2016
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A roofer never prefers the former.

He always prefers the ladder.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 26 2018
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Why is a computer scientist similar to a person who enjoys the music of a former democratic presidential candidate who really liked the environment?

They both enjoy Al Gore rhythms

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Willthetortoise
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 13 2017
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What Do You Call Former Members of Secret Societies?

Aluminati

πŸ‘οΈŽ 55
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheDimReaper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 04 2014
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My Dad is a former Biology teacher...

I was telling my family that my friend's dad, James, had recently gotten a vasectomy. Without missing a beat my dad exclaimed "If he were a plant he'd be a Jim-no-sperm!" and laughed uproariously while the rest of the family just shook their heads.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/-TaborlinTheGreat-
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2014
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Heard an on-the-spot dadjoke from my former band director today.

Some guy: "It's raining cats and dogs!"

Another guy: "Yeah, it might even rain a bear!"

Band director: "Then it'd be bearly raining!"

It was nice to hear a dadjoke in the wild like that.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xorcon1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 14 2017
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