In honor of former president Donald J. Trump
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οΈ Jan 20 2021
Have you heard the news that Liberty University is suing the founderβs son and former university president?
That Jerry doesnβt Fall Well.
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οΈ Apr 18 2021
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.
He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.
His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".
"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.
"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife
The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".
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οΈ Apr 17 2021
As the disgraced saucier was forced out of his former kitchen, he threatened impotently:
"you will roux the day!!!"
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οΈ Mar 30 2021
A former female church member partnered with me in my start up.
She's nun of my business.
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οΈ Oct 06 2020
Iβve started an organization that grants scholarships to former armed services individuals that want to become animal doctors. Grantees are awarded based on an interview process.
I call it βBest bets for vetting vets for vetsβ
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οΈ Oct 01 2020
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebeeβs, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
βJust-ice has been servedβ
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οΈ Sep 04 2020
Former VP made A movie called An Inconvenient Truth
But he should have started a band named the Al Gore Rhythm.
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οΈ Oct 22 2020
What do social media and dancing former vice presidents have in common?
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οΈ Sep 18 2020
When asked whether his former coach liked artificially flavored sugary soft drinks, Lionel Messi replied
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οΈ Aug 06 2020
What do you call a former FBI agent who now works delivering packages?
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οΈ Jul 28 2020
I needed a shirt ironed quicked so I asked a former girlfriend,
but she doesn't offer express service.
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οΈ Jun 07 2020
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
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οΈ Feb 26 2020
I am currently writing an introduction to a novel about a young man trying to find his former partner.
I guess it's an ex-position.
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οΈ Jun 19 2020
A newly enlisted recruit was in basic training, being yelled at by a former barbecue chef.
He was their Grill Sergeant.
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οΈ Apr 08 2020
Apparently they are still searching for the spy plane that was shot down over the former Soviet Union in 1960.
They still havenβt found what theyβre looking for.
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οΈ Mar 27 2020
I heard that a former vice president used to work on math while playing drums...
It is said that he had good AlGoreRhythm.
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οΈ Feb 04 2020
Gender reassignment surgeons should be called trans formers
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οΈ Oct 28 2019
Since the US is the only country that uses British Imperial Units, itβs ironically the only former British colony to still have British rulers.
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οΈ Mar 13 2019
My former friend said he liked Formula 1 but not NASCAR
I just can't be friends with someone who's raceist
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οΈ Sep 22 2019
Former US Vice President Al Gore is known for having invented the internet ...
Not many people know that he's also a pioneer in Artificial Intelligence and music. In fact, he's just published a new paper detailing a theory that combines his research in both fields.
He calls his theory the "Al-Gore-rhythm".
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οΈ Oct 10 2019
My friend believes in reincarnation and says in his former life, he was a calf slaughtered for the meat.
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οΈ Dec 16 2018
I was going to take around the former Yugoslavia
But now I'm Balkan at the idea.
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οΈ Jun 30 2019
Why did the former doctor regret becoming a prosecutor?
His new job was trying his patients.
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οΈ Jul 31 2019
My social media news feed keeps showing a former vice president dancing to a beat...
... It must be Facebook's Al Gore rhythms.
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οΈ Oct 06 2018
What do former NBA players do after they die?
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οΈ Jun 02 2019
My relationship with the former US Women's National Soccer Team goalkeeper is coming to an end
I'm starting to lose Hope. I haven't felt Solo for a long time
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οΈ Feb 16 2019
If you give a former lover two mints do you like...
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οΈ Jul 06 2018
Which former NFL quarterback suffered from hemophilia?
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οΈ Feb 17 2019
My former wife highly recommended a movie that I should take the kids to see, but I didnβt think it was appropriate.
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οΈ Aug 28 2018
LPT: If you ever go on a date and the person has the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall...
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οΈ Sep 17 2018
Do former vegetarians have frequent deja vu?
They always say theyβve been herbivore.
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οΈ Dec 26 2018
A former president threw a southern rock party.
Everyone was like βSweet home, Obamaβ
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οΈ Jul 27 2018
The former NBA commissioner was persuaded to buy a family gym package that included unlimited personal training sessions...
After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.
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οΈ Nov 23 2018
What do you call a former trophy wife?
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οΈ Nov 18 2015
A former cartoonist was put to death today for robbing a video arcade.
He was drawn and quartered.
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οΈ Oct 08 2018
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οΈ Jul 14 2017
After the stock market crash, the former millionaire was depressed
He was used to living the good life, and all the perks that go with it. His refined palette missed the fine dining, at five-star restaurants run by top chefs. Now reduced to eating macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, he looked down at his plate and contemplated suicide.
It was a wurst case scenario.
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οΈ Oct 14 2017
When the former Chelsea goalkeeper wasn't sure of the prize money he received, what did he do?
Cech checked his Czech cheque
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οΈ Jul 03 2016
How does your former significant other have food delivered?
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οΈ Nov 17 2017
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οΈ Oct 18 2016
A roofer never prefers the former.
He always prefers the ladder.
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οΈ May 26 2018
Why is a computer scientist similar to a person who enjoys the music of a former democratic presidential candidate who really liked the environment?
They both enjoy Al Gore rhythms
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οΈ Mar 13 2017
What Do You Call Former Members of Secret Societies?
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οΈ Nov 04 2014
My Dad is a former Biology teacher...
I was telling my family that my friend's dad, James, had recently gotten a vasectomy. Without missing a beat my dad exclaimed "If he were a plant he'd be a Jim-no-sperm!" and laughed uproariously while the rest of the family just shook their heads.
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οΈ May 15 2014
Heard an on-the-spot dadjoke from my former band director today.
Some guy: "It's raining cats and dogs!"
Another guy: "Yeah, it might even rain a bear!"
Band director: "Then it'd be bearly raining!"
It was nice to hear a dadjoke in the wild like that.
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οΈ Aug 14 2017
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