FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?
A sunken chest with no booty.
A man and a woman were on their first date.
A man and a woman were on their first date.
“So, I hear you hunt deer,” the woman said.
The man looked away and turned red.
“What’s wrong?” asked the woman.
The man bashfully replied, “I’m not used to someone calling me ‘dear’ on the first date.”
I had my first date last night.
What an underrated fruit.
You should never talk about the Titanic on a first date...
It's a terrible Icebreaker
What’s the perfect first date?
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
On my first date with my girlfriend, she proudly proclaimed that she wasn't born in the US, she's actually Scottish.
I told her "Oh, I love your tape."
The kind of thing you send on the first date
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
How do you get a woman to say I love you on the first date?
You take a dog with you :)
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
What did one door say to the other door on the first date?
First date
A man getting ready for his first date felt a bit out of his element so he phoned his friend, a scientist. To console the guy, the scientist tells him, "Just bismuth. You just might have some chemistry."
I Really Hate First Dates.
They're always nuts.
I'm so sorry its my first time.
I went out on a first date with this girl. We went ice skating but we got kicked out.
We were starting to break the ice.
I asked Dad about his first date with mom, he said he took her to a sauna. Why?
He wanted it to be a hot date.
I took my cute CPA go karting on our first date to a place called Turbo Tracks...
I had my first date last night.
I think I’ll stick to raisins.
What do swines do on first dates?
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was...
What did the TI-83 say after its first date?
At a restaurant, on a first date:
Her: Do you prefer cats or dogs?
Me, scanning the menu: What page are you on?
I was on a first date at a restaurant.
After our mains, the waitress came over to our table. She said, 'Are you guys done?'
I said, 'Only if she doesn't pay the bill.'
I always take a first date out to a French restaurant. Girls love eating somewhere francy.
It's a shame Aziz Ansari is dealing with a scandal from a first date
He should have known it was not the right Tom to Have her for dessert.
I really appreciated the frozen daquiri after our first date.
I'll definately keep using Blendr.
First date dad joke
Yesterday I hung out with a girl I met on tinder for the first time. We went to a cool little art store and were playing with these little miniature hands and feet that go on your fingers like finger puppets. When I went to check out and buy a couple, the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag and I responded “No thanks, I’ll just wear them out.” The cashier started dying as did the girl I was with. Didn’t expect it to do so well but glad it did.
After my first blind date with this woman, I knew it wouldn't work out between us and ended it after that.
She didn't see it coming.
Anyone have any good rhymes about girls who kiss on the first date?
A text conversation right before our first date
In honor of my first child's due date being Saturday: what did Delaware to school yesterday?
What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom at the end of their first date?
"I finally found the perfect outfit to wear when I meet my daughter's first date" (x-post from r/pics)
Husband: "I remember my first blind date."
Husband: She kept hitting her head on the roof of my car.
Me: What?
Husband: Yeah, she couldn't see where she was going.
Me: -_-
Went on a first date to the Aquarium last night
As we approached one of the tanks, I started singing "When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie... That's a moray" points at large moray eel
The story goes that on my parent's first date my dad told a doozy. My mom says she still can't believe she went out with him again
Waitress at luncheonette: what can I get you? Dad: I'll have a soup sandwich on waterproof bread.
Picking up a girl for a first date
My dad was picking up my mom for their first date. While she was still getting ready, my dad and grandfather were sitting in the living room in awkward silence. My grandmother, cleaning out the refrigerator, said, "Oh! I forgot we had dates in here!" My mother went running to the kitchen exclaiming, "Ohh! Dates!!"
My grandfather looked at my dad and said (deadpan), "Hear that? She's hungry for dates."
Expiration dates were the world's first spoiler alert.
My friend wanted advice on what to talk about during his first date with this new girl. I told him to ask her about WiFi.
I hear it's a great way to connect.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.
And then everything crashed.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
You shouldn't kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date.
Don't kiss anyone today, it's only the first date.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
Do you kiss on the first date?
What about the first raisin?
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