Fiber Puns

He had a roughage childhood.

A cereal killer.

It's nuts!

I can’t tell you how many times it’s saved my ass.

Tough Shit

She had an excuse but it seemed fabricated.

Tough shit

That’s gotta be some hard shit.

You're paying for the bran.

I couldn't help myself... "Cuz it helps me get my shit together!"

It was moving.

So now I have a gigabit connection.

Wife: How can you eat the exact same thing for breakfast every morning?

Me: I guess I'm just a cereal monogamist.

Girlfriend sits down at spinning wheel to spin fiber into yarn.

"I think I'm going to spin for a while."

"Don't get dizzy."

commence groaning

Guess the authorities thought I was a cereal killer

... along with a cashmere blanket. It seemed odd, but on top of all of that she put a cheap thin sheet woven from flax fibers. I was standing by the dresser and accidentally bumped a hot pot of Earl Grey, spilling it all over the bed. My wife told me not to worry. Amazingly, despite the amount that I had spilled, none of it got onto the fancy blanket or bedding. I was completely befuddled, so she explained, "Brewed tea is only linen deep."

the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, “ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, “ No, I’m a frayed knot”.

Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

Good Moral Fiber.

One of them says, "You know, eating that much fiber doesn't really help with your constipation." "No shit", the other replies.

I mean, they're excellent sources of protein, fiber, and good cholesterol.

(I was talking about the fruit)

Hi. My name is DAK. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry sir we don’t serve string here”. He then proceeds to tie him into a knot and throw in outside. Whilst outside, a pack of feral canines attack the piece of string until his fibers are loosened in a disheveled manner. The piece of string them proceeds to re enter the bar in need of medical assistance. “Hey, aren’t you the string I just threw out?” Asks the bartender. “No sir,” replies the string, “I’m a frayed knot”

FiBEr OPtiCks

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

Mike Rowe Fibers.

A few friends and I were talking about our food preferences. One friend says, "White rice isn't that good for you, since most of the nutrients and fiber are taken away during the bleaching and processing. Brown rice is a lot better for you." Then my other friend replies, "You know what they call people like you in Australia? Ricest."

Context: Our 3 month old son had some cotton/fuzz/lint stuck between his fingers from a newer pair of pajamas. I was trying to keep his hands out of his mouth because I didn't want him eating the cloth particles.

Husband came out with this: Leave him alone LDJD. He has to get his fiber. Get it, fiber?

groans

I was getting changed while I heard the man next to me talking to his buddy about work.... "So yeah they were having this issue where all these rats were eatting the internet cables so they had to keep replacing them." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, apparently the rats were on a high fiber diet."

I was playing basketball with a couple friends and one of them made a shot and said "that's a three". I responded with "that's a two." He said "OK a two". At this point I felt every fiber inside of me jumping for joy at the opportunity and answered with a grin so wide it could be seen from space "Bless you".
Groans were had by all.

A cereal killer.