Everyone expected him to go postal from the way he was raised, on a high fiber diet...
He had a roughage childhood.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 03 2021
lil Nas X sold his sole to the devil..
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
To the person who stole my MS Office License.
I will find you. You have my Word.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 03 2021
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
π︎ 6k
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︎ May 07 2021
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
π︎ 10k
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︎ May 06 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
The urge to sing βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ is always just a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away
π︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Lil Nas X sold his sole to make these nike shoes with a drop of human blood
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
With Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes, the devil can finally steal our soles.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
What kind of bird doesnβt know the words to their own song?
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
Iβm on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
π︎ 2k
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︎ May 08 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
I meant to cross post it but I donβt know why I cannot cross post so here is the screenshot version
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
What did the Doctor say to the constipated detective?
π︎ 8k
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︎ Apr 06 2021
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...
π︎ 384
π
︎ May 12 2021
You want to know where dads store all the dad jokes?
They store it in dad-a-base.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 12 2021
I carry dietary fiber with me instead of a knife when I leave the house...
I canβt tell you how many times itβs saved my ass.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: βIβd like some chapstickβ
The pharmacist says βbut youβre a duck, how are you going to pay for that?β
The duck says βitβs fine, just put it on my billβ
π︎ 285
π
︎ May 02 2021
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly.
π︎ 454
π
︎ May 05 2021
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said βoops, you gave me an extra-β
He said βNah, thatβs a freebieβ
π︎ 226
π
︎ May 05 2021
Who's the genius that decided to call it "Emotional baggage ".....
.....and not "griefcase."
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
What was it called the very first time a mathematician solved 1/cosecant(x)
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"Damn that was a hard drive."
π︎ 256
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
π︎ 174
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
π︎ 593
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. Nurse asked the rabbit what his blood type is
He replied " I am probably a Type O"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
Why did the picture go to jail
π︎ 124
π
︎ May 10 2021
What did the 0 say to the 8?
π︎ 308
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
Together we can stop this crap!
π︎ 64
π
︎ May 10 2021
Is it okay to compare a man getting βthe snipβ with a woman getting her tubes tied?
After all, there isnβt a vas deferens between the two ovum
π︎ 50
π
︎ May 09 2021
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
π︎ 59
π
︎ May 10 2021
Space X is planning to send a bunch of cattle into orbit.
It will be the herd shot 'round the world.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Why were the cows always returning to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
π︎ 271
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
The guy who invented the umbrella wanted to call it the βBrellaβ
π︎ 127
π
︎ May 08 2021
(My Grandma called me just to tell me this one): Why did the farmer bury a lightbulb?
He wanted to grow a power plant
π︎ 246
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︎ Apr 23 2021
I wanted to go to the local aquarium to see the new dolphin show, but when I got there I couldnβt get in.
It was closed for training porpoises.
π︎ 213
π
︎ May 02 2021
Where did the music notes go to get some fried chicken?
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 11 2021
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Watching the movie ' Grease ' to take my mind off some vaccine side effects, however..
I got chills..they're multiplying.
π︎ 112
π
︎ May 10 2021
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
π︎ 358
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on itβs way to work?β
π︎ 511
π
︎ May 04 2021
The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
π︎ 152
π
︎ May 13 2021
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
π︎ 405
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
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