"What percent?"
"I'm about 80% sure."
I mine my own business.
I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...
"Caught you red handed".
She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.
After taking our order and asking if we want anything else, I point at my phone and ask if she can leave us a menu just in case.
I think I wrote my first dad joke original on something new to this changing world!
Flight attendant gets on the intercom:
“That was not the Captain’s fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.”
He died from dysentery.
(Revising my previous joke)
I'd have four cents.
So by my own accord, I decided to buy my own Accord
A few days ago, my friend went to one of those outdoor gear shops, looking for a few things to prepare her for a canoe trip she was going to take. While there, her mom wandered away into the next aisle over. My friend sees her mom leave, looks at her dad and asks, "What is mom doing in the tent aisle?" Her dad responds, "Shopping for a dress."
[dictated but not bread]
Dad: Oh my God. Look at that! (starts pointing frantically)
Me: What? What! What is it! What am I looking at?
Dad: The cows! Don't you see them?
Me: Yea, i see them a lot, nothing special...
Dad: Nothing special?!?!? Why, they are UTTERLY fantastic!!
And then proceeds to make other utter puns until he cries of joy.
Mickey's Clubhouse is on. Mickey and friends walk up to Donald's door.
Mickey: "Hi Donald, Pluto told us to come over to your house!"
Me (Akroyd voice): "We're on a mission from Dog."
The groans echoed.
He told us last night that he'll be asked his secret for success this morning.
He says at age 82 and after 37 alcohol-free years, the secret is fairly simple:
"Don't drink, and don't die."
