Coming soon to a theater near you
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
The hardest part for someone when coming out
Saying it with a straight face
π︎ 215
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︎ Jan 27 2021
What comes after the USA?
π︎ 47
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Downloaded film Titanic for the family to watch this evening. Annoyingly Video and Sound has come across in separate files.
π︎ 34
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Thereβs two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking itβs junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you canβt do that. That dogβll bite you.
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
In laughter the 'L' comes first.
The rest of the letters comes 'aughter' it.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 437
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a registered six offender.
π︎ 186
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing...
But this is as close as I could get.
π︎ 114
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
Found at my local Trader Joeβs.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
π︎ 20
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
π︎ 167
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I toiled for hours trying to come up with a good joke about airplanes.
In the end, I felt like the punchline would just go over everybody's head.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 28 2021
What kind of horses only come out at night?
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
Eye did not see that coming
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
π︎ 93
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
I'm scared of coming out as bi
It might end up being a pain in the ass.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought Iβd come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
Lettuce come together
π︎ 25
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Remake of Alien coming to cinemas near you!
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
I was told to come up with a pun about my surroundings...
I was sitting down, so all the puns I thought of were chairrible
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
How Come You Never See Elephants Hiding In Trees?
Because there really good at it
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Jesus told Peter, "Come forth and ye shall have eternal life"
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster
π︎ 94
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?
Dad: Namaste home instead
π︎ 70
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Sleeping comes so naturally to me.
I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
When I get home my wife's underwear is coming straight off...
They're cutting right into my hips.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
I come from a musical house
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I pulled a muscle while trying to come up with some synonyms.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but Iβve come up with a better solution
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
What's a chicken's favourite animal?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
I did knot see that one coming!
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
A guy named Vladislav kept coming after me, and all I could say wasβ¦
Vladislav,
baby don't hurt me,
don't hurt me,
no more.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I probably won't see Wonder Woman 1984 when it comes out.
I still haven't seen Wonder Woman 2 through 1983.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Bet choo didn't see that coming
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks βWhat are you counting?β
And the guy says βhow many tattoos I have nowβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
What do you call when you come across a lizard and a parrot?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Brace yourselves; Christmas puns are coming
π︎ 37
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
What comes after USA?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
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