When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Excuse me, why are there only donuts, bagels, and swiss cheese at this store?

Sir this is a Hole Foods.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fathertime108
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Whats an excuse you can use for both online and non online schools?

Sorry, I was late due to traffic

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"

"No" he said, "It kills them"

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My 7 yr old sister did a huge fart and I told her to say excuse me and she follows with this:

Ex-POO-se me! 🀦

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πŸ‘€︎ u/papadom94
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way

Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?

(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)

Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madhur_Gupta_nerd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Excuse me, is someone doing dad jokes over here ?

'Cause I could step-dad in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_CAVOK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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If you ever have to cancel plans with friends your excuse should be that you have to wash your hair in a lukewarm shower with high quality dandruff shampoo.

At least that way your friends can never call you flakey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bumblebus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"

Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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"excuse me, is this sugar free?"

Cashier: No. You have to pay for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Excuse my gallows humor...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandondsantos
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacksminecraftdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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What excuse did the student use to get away with skipping their zoom lecture?

"My dog ate my computer."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anti1447
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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A policeman stopped me in my car and said β€œExcuse me sir. Do you know this is a one way street?”

β€œYes officer, I’m only going one way”. I replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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"Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?"

"No sir it'll be round."

*joke courtesy of a local restaurant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenSquid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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Excuse me, is this a bank because...

I'm alone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZippyDaFish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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What was the coal-miner’s excuse to his boss?

β€œI didn’t have time to do my laundry last night, so my soot is dirty!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mirrortoremind
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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A man is walking his dogs and another guy asks β€œexcuse me are they Jack Russels?”

The owner quickly replies, β€œNo, they’re mine!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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Excuse me, but have you seen my henway?

"What's a henway?"

Oh, about two pounds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad_thrower
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What did the bagel say when he was about to get eaten at breakfast?

Excuse me, but I'd like to propose a toast!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onetwopi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Excuse me, would you happen to have the thyme?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnniesBoobsNo9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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What is kermit the Frog's excuse for not recycling?

"It's not easy being green"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoochthemoon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Me: Excuse me ma'am, would you like to join our charity?

Woman: Maybe, what's it for?

Me: CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!

Woman: Excuse me?

Me: It's four good caws

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xThereon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?

ICU baby, shaking that ass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CPike90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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I was having dinner with two Pastors once.

I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"

(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Excuse my ice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ea1oo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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There's no excuse for battered shrimp
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tableshade12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Excuse me while I kick this guy!
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She kicked me out and said β€œThe men I please are none of your business!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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For National No Excuses Day...

I think I'll have some cake!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devildocjames
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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Excuse me, pun master coming through
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pasta_pants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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A man asks the waiter, "Excuse me, how do you prepare your chicken?"

The waiter responds, "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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Why didn't the teddy bear eat any dinner?

They were already stuffed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WillKay10
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad....

Does it come with window dressing?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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Excuse me while I go take a *mild deuce*
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittycatclaws93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...

"Excuse me sir.Is the bar tender here?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.

He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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A while ago, someone forgot their bread at the store. So I ran it out to them and said

β€œExcuse me sir, I think you focaccia bread!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cylasbreakdown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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You guys ever see the price of diapers?

Shit’s expensive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ziograffiato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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I went to a bookstore and asked, β€œExcuse me, do you have a book by Shakespeare?”

Bookstore guy: Of course, sir. Which one?

Me: William.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.

I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She kicked me out and said β€œThe men I please are none of your business!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeFarkas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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