pardon my french
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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Pardon me i farted
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HooAwayy40980
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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Dad wins with the pardon joke

(Context: our Amazon Alexa uses the keyword 'echo' and my daughter doesn't have one in her room)

The following conversation took place in my daughter's room:

Me: Echo, turn on the lights.

Daughter: There's no echo in here.

Me: Pardon?

Daughter: There's no echo in here.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Please pardon my attitude.

Due to coronavirus, I'm trying to stay negative.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Pardon me if I’m squeaking by with an old one.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHK1961
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Pardon?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Empidonaxed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Prez Obama pardons turkeys but not the dad jokes, he's killing them

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2016/11/23/watch-live-president-obama-pardons-his-final-thanksgiving-turkey/94346928/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amacvar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
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Sandwich
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmolBoi_memz0725
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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The Trump White House is so polite these days.

Everyone there is saying β€œPardon me” all the time now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/world-shaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I had to undergo a 6 week course of radiotherapy last year on my salivary glands.

Every week, I had an appointment with a doctor where they would ask me about my health. They would ask me the same usual questions. This is how it would go:

Dr: Do you get a dry mouth?

Me: Yes but I drink water to compensate.

Dr: Any issues with hearing?

Me: Sorry?

Dr (louder): any issues with hearing?

Me: Beg your pardon?

Dr starts laughing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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Dan Rather asks, "Why is the White House suddenly a very polite place to work?" twitter.com/DanRather/sta…
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I’m selling a 55” TV for JUST $1, only problem is the volume button is broken...

... I mean, how can you turn that one down!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forest-of-ewood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A coworker and I were talking about our boss behind her back during our lunch.

Later on she found out and said to us : "You disgust me".

And I said : "Yes, yes we did".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oleflitzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving.

Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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Open mic
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forever_rookie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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What do you call a good breakfast?

Omelet you know in a little bit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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I read a story about pig anatomy.

It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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A friend offered to sell me their TV for five bucks but said the volume dial was broken.

I couldn't turn it down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twiglet91
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Recently read that IBS can be hereditary.

Runs in the family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/draconic86
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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How do you think the Unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theheroofunicycle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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What’s your favorite Song?

The song dynasty...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7oda-005
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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2Q + 2Q=?

I beg your pardon!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/liverpool135
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Which Country Music Singer's name do you say when you're moving furniture past someone?

Dolly Pardon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThumbFuNinja
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Soy sauce!

Oh. Pardon my salty language.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatWhiteSnark82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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A turkey walks into the kitchen...

and says: Pardon me?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marsmedia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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What's your forte?

From the Red Skelton radio show, with Red playing Bolivar Shagnasti, interviewing a new performer for his circus

Lady: I’m a performer.

Red Skelton: What’s your forte?

Lady: Pardon?

Red Skelton: Your forte.

Lady: No, I’m only 39.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Great Neck.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
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What do you say to a kindly judge in the old west?

Howdy, pardoner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johngreenink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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That would make a great name for a cow farm:

The Legen Dairy.

Said to me from the Marketing Director - I had to ask him how many kids he had. He has 1, that poor soul. So many groans and no one to share them with!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thursd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2015
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Lawyer: "My client is trapped inside a penny."

Judge: "I beg your pardon?"

Lawyer: "He's in a cent."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikkobe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2017
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Every bloody time...

We can't mention the fact that someone's deaf without my Dad responding 'pardon?'

As a child I would repeat myself endlessly as he lolled inside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-onmyface-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2014
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Why was the jailer sad his inmates were all released?

He had Post-Pardon Depression.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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At Applebees discussing the letter Q

I read out loud what it said on a children's activity paper or whatever. It said "Did you know that the letter Q is the least used letter in the alphabet?" Me to my mom and dad: "I think they all get used only once, don't they?"

I actually got laughs from them. I am now accepted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaTmAn9785
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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What did Trump say after being found guilty of colluding with the Russians?

"Oops, pardon me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaduane
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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When is your dentist appointment?

Two thirty?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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I am lactose intolerant and I was dared to eat ice cream tonight

Please pardon my dairy air

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomicpete
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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When i was a kid my parents would always say "excuse my French" after a cuss word

I'll never forget that first day of school when the teacher asked if we knew any other language's

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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