Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.

I like ten.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eagleboy444
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2022
🚨︎ report
Pardon madame...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Pardon me ?
πŸ‘︎ 785
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Pardon....
πŸ‘︎ 274
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A man in a fancy suit and top hat approached me at the party: "Pardon me sir, are you the one who's been making horse noises?"

"Nay."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2021
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
pardon my french
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Pardon me if I’m squeaking by with an old one.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHK1961
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad wins with the pardon joke

(Context: our Amazon Alexa uses the keyword 'echo' and my daughter doesn't have one in her room)

The following conversation took place in my daughter's room:

Me: Echo, turn on the lights.

Daughter: There's no echo in here.

Me: Pardon?

Daughter: There's no echo in here.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Please pardon my attitude.

Due to coronavirus, I'm trying to stay negative.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Pardon?
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Empidonaxed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Prez Obama pardons turkeys but not the dad jokes, he's killing them

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2016/11/23/watch-live-president-obama-pardons-his-final-thanksgiving-turkey/94346928/

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amacvar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Arty Fish'll Strawberry.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chilli-byte-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandfather grew up in a small town.

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AllylTeapot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2022
🚨︎ report
first time posting here and yeah i just performed 3 bad puns at the same time
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/biscuitslover
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I'd like to propose a toast

Bread, milk, and eggs!
(Pardon my French.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamHR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
I tried to contact my cousin in prison...

but he has no cell service.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2021
🚨︎ report
He lent me some dried grapes but obsesses over prompt repayment.

Pardon my French, but now I’m his raisin debtor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Sandwich
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SmolBoi_memz0725
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The Trump White House is so polite these days.

Everyone there is saying β€œPardon me” all the time now.

πŸ‘︎ 311
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/world-shaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the pirate stop complaining?

He didn’t have a leg to stand on

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChemiKool5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, β€œExcuse my French” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say when he forgot to put on his pants?

Pardon my rootness

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2021
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whimsicalfinch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving.

Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Dan Rather asks, "Why is the White House suddenly a very polite place to work?" twitter.com/DanRather/sta…
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Open mic
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forever_rookie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m selling a 55” TV for JUST $1, only problem is the volume button is broken...

... I mean, how can you turn that one down!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forest-of-ewood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a good breakfast?

Omelet you know in a little bit

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I read a story about pig anatomy.

It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you think the Unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theheroofunicycle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A coworker and I were talking about our boss behind her back during our lunch.

Later on she found out and said to us : "You disgust me".

And I said : "Yes, yes we did".

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oleflitzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to undergo a 6 week course of radiotherapy last year on my salivary glands.

Every week, I had an appointment with a doctor where they would ask me about my health. They would ask me the same usual questions. This is how it would go:

Dr: Do you get a dry mouth?

Me: Yes but I drink water to compensate.

Dr: Any issues with hearing?

Me: Sorry?

Dr (louder): any issues with hearing?

Me: Beg your pardon?

Dr starts laughing

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Recently read that IBS can be hereditary.

Runs in the family.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/draconic86
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s your favorite Song?

The song dynasty...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/7oda-005
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend offered to sell me their TV for five bucks but said the volume dial was broken.

I couldn't turn it down.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twiglet91
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
2Q + 2Q=?

I beg your pardon!!!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/liverpool135
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Which Country Music Singer's name do you say when you're moving furniture past someone?

Dolly Pardon.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThumbFuNinja
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Great Neck.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Soy sauce!

Oh. Pardon my salty language.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatWhiteSnark82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A turkey walks into the kitchen...

and says: Pardon me?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marsmedia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
That would make a great name for a cow farm:

The Legen Dairy.

Said to me from the Marketing Director - I had to ask him how many kids he had. He has 1, that poor soul. So many groans and no one to share them with!

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thursd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2015
🚨︎ report
What's your forte?

From the Red Skelton radio show, with Red playing Bolivar Shagnasti, interviewing a new performer for his circus

Lady: I’m a performer.

Red Skelton: What’s your forte?

Lady: Pardon?

Red Skelton: Your forte.

Lady: No, I’m only 39.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report
When i was a kid my parents would always say "excuse my French" after a cuss word

I'll never forget that first day of school when the teacher asked if we knew any other language's

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.