Dump Puns

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

Does that make it a toilet tree?

Is it considered a toilet-tree?

"That shit is getting old," I told him.

PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?

That's #2 on my list.

I couldn't be with someone who was anti-semantic.

He wanted to take his shit to the next level.

It was a murder most fowl!

Don’t you mean a “Fur-rari”?

That shit was in tents.

“I shit, you knot.”

Trash talk

I thought "shit just got real".

My wife: Really?

Me: Yes. Litter Alley.

When looking at corn while grocery shopping, she said she wanted a buck an ear

I shit you knot

So when the clock strikes midnight it’ll be the same shit different day

http://i.imgur.com/xIDdjMX.jpg

As my wife was taking out 1 yr old upstairs for a nap she requested, "can you dump out my coffee? It tastes like tea". This is what I saw when I dumped her coffee out:

https://imgur.com/gallery/11r9U

Does it still count as a dad joke if it's executed by a mom?

He lost interest.

he replied "Drop what you're doing and call me"

A Trump

“Hey, I peed in the sink”

He probably has quite the hair-care bill, but I'm sure he's willing toupee for it.
It seems that everyone on the internet is Russian to say good things about him.
After his inauguration speech, everyone gave him a big hand.
His favorite winter Olympic event is the LYUUUUGE!
The other half of his supporters can be described with ancient, mystical legends: the Deep Lore-ables.
Nobody will be able to use cheap cotton drapes or table cloths after his ban on muslins.
Since the start of the cold war, many U.S. presidents have pissed off the Russians. Trump is the first to be accused of pissing ON them.
I subscribed to his newsletter because I never turn down a free MAGA-zine subscription.
Melania got used to everyone crowded into Trump Tower during the campaign. Now that everyone's gone, she looks around and it's just a little Barron.
Joke that inspired me is here : https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/5p4ebt/on_donald_trumps_inaguration/

To the batroom of course!

Beginning of a Slippery Slope argument.

It had various wooden pieces in different shapes and sizes, he started crawling towards our trash can and my wife shouted. "Don't let him in the trash! Get him!". I said "I can't! He's already a few blocks away!"

"I hope you leave a dump instead of taking it!"

gf: "Omg that smell is literally death."

me: "Yes, quite litterly."

Next minute or so was her questioning why I'm laughing.

As my dad rolls up to take me to lunch I text him "hold on, nature calls" as I walked to take a dump. 2 minutes later I get "I think you're the one that needs to hold on, just remember to let go."

I said, "Because there is a bee the size of a large grape out there. He's been hanging around here every day. I've been thinking about giving him a name."

Dad said, "How about Bee-hemoth?"

Holy Shit