Why did the oyster's girlfriend dump him?

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NumberOneRussian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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If you take a dump on a stump...

Does that make it a toilet tree?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theoddfind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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If you squat on a stump and take a dump....

Is it considered a toilet-tree?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rj17141
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.

"That shit is getting old," I told him.

PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.

That's #2 on my list.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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My ex hated language, so I had to dump her.

I couldn't be with someone who was anti-semantic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuicidalNomad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Why did Winnie the Pooh take a dump in the elevator?

He wanted to take his shit to the next level.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I saw a group of crows hanging out at the dump

It was a murder most fowl!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/herdertree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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So proud of my daughter! We’re watching the dog desperately trying to get the cat to play with her. Me: β€œDog can’t hang because she’s a dump truck and and the cat is a Ferrari. Daughter:

Don’t you mean a β€œFur-rari”?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Epic_pale
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.

That shit was in tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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If you took a dump in a church, would it be called a holy crap?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Videoguru16
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked β€œreally?”. To which he replied:

β€œI shit, you knot.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irorii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Girls who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of shit reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lelushky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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I was walking by the dump and heard voices yelling at each other,

Trash talk

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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I once dreamt I was taking a dump and woke up to find I soiled myself.

I thought "shit just got real".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/avidtomato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
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Taking a dump imgur.com/a/0NDNvUi
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EoinHbern
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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Me: The street I lived on during my college days was also a garbage dump.

My wife: Really?

Me: Yes. Litter Alley.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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I think my girlfriend is going to dump me for a pirate

When looking at corn while grocery shopping, she said she wanted a buck an ear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McGroon
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Did you know that if you eat 2 pieces of string when you take your next dump they will be tied together

I shit you knot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haas19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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Dad always told me to take my dumps at 11:59 pm.

So when the clock strikes midnight it’ll be the same shit different day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icy9kills
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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This sub is really in the dumps lately

http://i.imgur.com/xIDdjMX.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qwertyum110896
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2017
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"Can you dump out my coffee? It tastes like tea"

As my wife was taking out 1 yr old upstairs for a nap she requested, "can you dump out my coffee? It tastes like tea". This is what I saw when I dumped her coffee out:

https://imgur.com/gallery/11r9U

Does it still count as a dad joke if it's executed by a mom?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CowboyFromSmell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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Why did the accountant dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRBADWOLF89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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My dad called while I was in the bathroom. I texted him "taking a dump, call you in a sec"

he replied "Drop what you're doing and call me"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penisourusrex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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What do you call it when your dog takes 3 dumps in a row?

A Trump

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hollywoodsine
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:

β€œHey, I peed in the sink”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswaterreallywet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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Pun Picture Dump from @sadderdaynight imgur.com/gallery/titDa
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApologeticKid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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Someone posted a joke on inauguration day and now I can't stop thinking of Trump puns, so I'll just dump them here.

He probably has quite the hair-care bill, but I'm sure he's willing toupee for it.
It seems that everyone on the internet is Russian to say good things about him.
After his inauguration speech, everyone gave him a big hand.
His favorite winter Olympic event is the LYUUUUGE!
The other half of his supporters can be described with ancient, mystical legends: the Deep Lore-ables.
Nobody will be able to use cheap cotton drapes or table cloths after his ban on muslins.
Since the start of the cold war, many U.S. presidents have pissed off the Russians. Trump is the first to be accused of pissing ON them.
I subscribed to his newsletter because I never turn down a free MAGA-zine subscription.
Melania got used to everyone crowded into Trump Tower during the campaign. Now that everyone's gone, she looks around and it's just a little Barron.
Joke that inspired me is here : https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/5p4ebt/on_donald_trumps_inaguration/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Hitchhiker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
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How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a shit?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vyashole
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
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Where does Batman go to take a dump?

To the batroom of course!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/n0th1ng_r3al
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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"We can't just let people dump oil on the sides of hills willy nilly!"

Beginning of a Slippery Slope argument.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsprocket
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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My son was playing with a toy dump truck...

It had various wooden pieces in different shapes and sizes, he started crawling towards our trash can and my wife shouted. "Don't let him in the trash! Get him!". I said "I can't! He's already a few blocks away!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soulfox1988
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Whenever I say I need to take a dump, my dad says this gem

"I hope you leave a dump instead of taking it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PikaSamus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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Our cat just took a huge dump

gf: "Omg that smell is literally death."

me: "Yes, quite litterly."

Next minute or so was her questioning why I'm laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gathax
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
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Dad dropped this on me while I was mid dump

As my dad rolls up to take me to lunch I text him "hold on, nature calls" as I walked to take a dump. 2 minutes later I get "I think you're the one that needs to hold on, just remember to let go."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bone_Dragon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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"I should do some research if we live near a chemical dump," I said. My parents asked "Why?"

I said, "Because there is a bee the size of a large grape out there. He's been hanging around here every day. I've been thinking about giving him a name."

Dad said, "How about Bee-hemoth?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamlet7768
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
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What do you get when the Pope takes a dump?

Holy Shit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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