What do you call a stoner in a ditch?

Man, that's deep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeblord42069help
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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My son, Stuart, jumped into a ditch while pretending to be a fighter jet today.

He’s plane Stu pit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamlibrarianx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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A prostitute dragged my drunk ass out of a ditch yesterday

She used one whore's power.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Desperado619
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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What do you call a donkey that falls in ditch?

An Asshole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IUserThisName
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
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I swerved to avoid hitting an amphibian with my car and landed in the ditch.

My car is toadaled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patron_vectras
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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How did the ditch digger feel about his job?

He found it irrigating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krustygymsocks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
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A median and a mode walk into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œI’m glad you ditched your friend. He’s mean.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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What do you call a dude with no arms and no legs who...

...hangs on a wall?

Art

...goes for a swim?

Bob

...sits on a porch?

Matt

...lies in a ditch?

Phil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJknox09
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Hyde my dude
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriccinSlicc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Apple is ditching SSDs and going back to spinning disks

Tim Cook claims they're revolutionary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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what do you call it when batman ditches church?

Christian Bail

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caitycat16
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
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My girlfriend got me aroused, then grabbed her stuff and left.

I got ding-dong ditched

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tomisahoss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Does this belong here?
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joykin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Time for Golf Puns!

But whatever fore?

A little birdie told me golf puns are a great way to make friends, so I thought I might as well join the club. I had to wedge myself into a car to get there, and boy did I realize the irony of doing so when I met the driver! He handed me a bunch of donuts, and I was so happy, there was a hole in one! When I got to the club, the driver kept telling me he had to put the car into par for it to stop moving! So I got of of the car and walked through the door only to realize that my driver had ditched me. Talk about rough right?

Anyway, thats all the golf puns I have for now, say for this last one.
Tee-hee!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s0apyjam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I tried to make a moon-themed restaurant, but it went out of business.

People said it lacked the atmosphere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WabbleDave
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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Dadjoke'd my college class

So I forgot my school was having a planned fire drill. I was hanging outside my class building, ditching with my girlfriend when everybody suddenly poured out. My teacher came out in front of the entire class and asked me why I was already outside. I don't know what came over me, I guess my brain went into auto-defense-dad-mode because I told him:

What can I say? I'm a premature evacuator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cumulopimpus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2014
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Dad's fake swearing

"Stone of a peach!"

Was a favorite of my Dad's. There are probably others that I can't recall. Share yours in the comments!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samspot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
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Did you hear about the restaurant supply truck spill?

A truck delivering frozen restaurant foodstuffs had a major spill on the highway. Since it was early morning and the authorities wanted to avoid a melty mess, they sought volunteers to spread evenly along the ditch picking up frozen mozzarella sticks. It was a cheesy pickup line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TangoKiloBandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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Don't try and dadjoke your angry dad.

Over the years my dad has done the very old, very lame "Hi _____, I'm Dad."
Today he got stuck in a ditch after sliding on some ice. Once home he looks angry so I said "Hey, you look pretty angry." He says "I'm pissed off." FINALLY. My moment has come, I will have the great pleasure of doing it, I open my mouth and these little words come out. "Hi I'm piss-" WHACK
He knew what was coming and wouldn't allow it.
TLDR; Don't dadjoke your dad when he's angry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faable1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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Intercultural Dad Joke

Background: I'm living in Germany and have a German roommate who can speak some English. He did Realschule (completed 10th grade), but mostly ditched classes. I try to teach him when I can and vice versa.

We were watching Walking Dead. The episode was right after the prison gets stormed. Rick and Carl lock themselves in a house, and Carl ties a knot that he's super proud of... Blablabla... A few minutes later, knot is quickly falling apart as zombies try to break in.

I absentmindedly said: "Cool knot, bro" Roommate: "(K)not cool, bro"

I just looked at him with a mixture of surprise, pride, and wondering still if he knows what a dad joke is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ostapack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2015
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Dad dropped this one on me last week

We were walking towards the car and passed some road works where I couldn't really see what they were doing, there was just a ditch being dug with no tubes or cables in sight. I asked him what he thought they were placing, his response "Well obviously they're laying the new wireless internet"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allyoucanteat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
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I like my dad's jokes

Dad: What's the difference between a circus and the rockettes? one is a cunning display of stunts the other is a stunning display of .....

whats the difference between the Panama Canal and Hillary Clinton? one's a busy ditch the others a dizzy .....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Greenautobus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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So my teacher just dropped this on us.

Why did the paper drive into the ditch? It did not want to get cut off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonykhan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
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A median and a mode walk into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œI’m glad you ditched your friend. He’s mean.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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A median and a mode walk into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œI’m glad you ditched your friend. He’s mean.”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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A median and a mode walk into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œI’m glad you ditched your friend. He is mean.”

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report

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