Thereβs no F in way.
Opinions.
My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
It's such a sweeping generalisation.
They're sodalicious.
In the gym today, guy is having to get his lock cut off because he lost his key. Joke around with guy for a bit because i have done the same.
As he is walking away....
Him: "you have a good day man"
Me: "you too, better lock next time"
I hear him groan, look to the guy next to me with a dumbass smile on my face and he rolled his eyes. Hahaha
I was on a road trip with him and we were leaving Rapid City, SD, when we saw a billboard that said "Cowboy Pancakes: 99Β’"
He turns to me and says, "Cowboy Pancakes? They must serve those with maple stirrup"
He proceeded to laugh really hard and beat his steering wheel.
Her: I will be there shortly.
Me: Wh..haha..when are you not anywhere SHORTLY?
Her: ...
30 seconds later, talking about our son..
Her: Apparently, I forgot about his bottle.
Me: Isn't everything we do "apparently" now that we're parents?
Her: You're a dumbass...See you when I get home, love you.
Me: ..Shortly, right?
Her: (click)
He asked if I had a book of dumbass jokes.
"No, just Reddit."
"Yeah, out of a book?"
Dumbass-cus
A dumbass.
So some birds were flying over us in that V-shape they tend to fly in, and my old man looked up, almost in awe, and said to me:
Dad: Wow, look at those birds, son. See how they fly in that V shape?
Me (in a genuine child-like awe): Yeah, that's cool, dad.
Dad: See how one side of the V is longer than the other?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: You know why that is?
Me: No, why?
Dad: Cause there are more birds on that side, dumbass.
I laughed my ass off at this roadside protester. He camped out all night hoping to prevent the completion of certain roadways. Well, yesterday, the dumbass died of a heart attack. His doctor warned him weeks ago, but the stupid guy didn't want a bypass.
I was alone in the car, but still said "I bet he's having a schmitty day" and giggled like a dumbass all the way home
"I wonder who's the dumbass who losted it."
Dad: Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed
Me: No I didn't
Dad: I think her name was Reece something or another
Me: Witherspoon?
Dad: No dumbass, with a knife
Friend: What does your shirt say?
His father: It doesn't say anything. You have to read it, dumbass.
What do you call a father who's being a complete dumbass?
Retardad.
Dad: "How many pollacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Me: "I dunno. How many?" Dad: "One dumbass!"
Dad (after a sassy answer to a question): don't be a smartass
Me: would you prefer I were a dumbass?
Laughs were had
(Only use this joke after someone has made a stupid mistake)
Me: You know what you would find if you looked up stupid in the dictionary??? Them: Uhhh a picture of me? Me: No, you would find the definition of stupid, Dumbass!
This works every time!
