Why did the crab have to delay retirement?

No pinchin'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SethKadoodles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Don't mind Cyberpunk 2077's delay

It just needs a little Polish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RovingReaver
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Nate's mother asked him to delay the marriage by an year...

she wanted his fiance to mari_nate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abionic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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My friend tried to delay the inevitable by locking himself in a public bathroom...

He stalled for time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Samsung delays the release of their new tablet/phone collab...

Guess the plan just didn't unfold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZestyBiscotti
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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I'm not a fan of my new French milk delivery service, "Milk Without Delay"

They keep sending me empty bottles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/symmetrygear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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The local reptile show had to delay on account of misbehaving lizards.

They had a severe case of a reptile dysfunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drjohnson89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Delays on the subway completely derails my day.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Who always hits their target, but only after a delay?

Lagolas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goat_chortle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Alice realized she would have to delay her trip a day since the White Rabbit demanded she give him a trim right now. She sighed, "Oh well..."

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnabbe
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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When shipping delays cause one day of presents to last a week, is it called Amazonnukah?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskybusinesscdc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
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The Tailor Delay

My girlfriend is having her bridesmaid dress altered, but they pushed back the finish date. The wedding is next week.

I looked at her and said, "That's cutting it close."

It hit so hard that she might be pregnant (I'm not a dad).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lod254
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
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While discussing my 2 hour delay for work with my wife...

Me: The delay was cause they said it was icy. (It wasn't icy at all in reality)

Her: Icy, my ass!

Me: I see your ass, too ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_turdy_south
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
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If you're here for the yodelling lesson....

Pleased form an orderly,orderly,orderly,orderly queue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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"No Time To Die" movie is delayed. Thread goes full-pun mode
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spirit_bullet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I was at a concert but the singer got delayed

Postponed Malone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Just got a delayed grin from my son on the way back to our hunting spot.

Son: Wow that stream is really rush'en.

Me: oh good that is so much better than German.

I just had to pick a country real quick not trying to make any statement....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheepery
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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My son asked me what procrastinate meant.

I said I'd tell him later

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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So I my son started to bark at me

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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My flight was delayed an hour, but we got to our destination on time.

Our pilot must have been flying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hknewt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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My sister asked "When do my wisdom teeth come in?"

"If they haven't yet, its probably because Amazon shipping has been delayed." I said.

As she was laughing, I shrugged. "I thought that was a good one. I just came to me," I paused, "Probably because I have Prime."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brosengr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Fortnite Season 11 has been delayed

Epic fail

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ridgback
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Got my gf with a delayed effect.

So last night we were brushing our teeth before going to bed, and I ask her "You know why eating a clock is a bad idea?"
She looks at me funny, because she knows what's coming.
"Because it's very time consuming."
She just rolls her eyes, and goes to bed. But because the joke was in English, and English isn't our first language, I think she didn't quite get it.
A minute after she lies down, I hear a loud groan coming out of bed, followed by "that was really, really lame, honey!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smallwater
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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Delayed cheese shredder

Cheese shredder broke last week - ordered a new, fancier one. Snow slowed the shipment down.

Emailed wife: "Shredder is delayed - I bring you this news with grate sadness."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/medford_btc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
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told dad my flight was delayed 50 min...

"better than to find that it took of 50 minutes early before you arrived"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swineforkbeard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2013
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What's longer than forever?

Fivever.


Thanks for all the upvotes! This is an original, so thanks to you guys I'm quitting my job and leaving my family to pursue a career in comedy! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJy234H5YDlFASQfx6mLWLg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/k-smackerel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
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Captain Pun

There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.

He ran out and yelled β€œWhats going on?!"

His first mate replied β€œWe Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!”

The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said β€œInform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MalosBlade
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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My girlfriend managed to dadjoke me

We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.

So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.

When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."

I love that girl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phonyhomeless
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
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Dinner plans

I did not pull my frozen food from the freezer in time for the big dinner. That was not well thawed out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mftuchman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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Got my girlfriend this morning

It was kind of late, really. I was expecting one a few weeks ago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ttblue
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kojo2047
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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The airlines need to upgrade their wifi.

They've got some serious jetlag.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
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Sleepy Saturday morning dad jokes are great

My son woke me up early Saturday to show me a picture he’d drawn of a cross.

Me (half asleep): Awesome job! Looks great.

Son: Thanks! It’s not just a cross, you know...

Me: Is it also down?

His confusion and delayed groan was music to my ears as I fell back to sleep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalleckG65
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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Did you hear about the Mexican guy who finished first in the marathon despite getting a late start?

He was on delay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
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A woman needed to have her baby delivered

But there was a shipping delay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimeWar2112
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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Where were you while we were getting high?

So I was on the red-eye flying overseas to meet my buddies for an epic roadtrip adventure. I got me a first class ticket because YOLO and I always wanted to try those convertible seat/beds.

So in the morning the flight attendants serve breakfast, which includes this tasty soup with poached egg in it. They offered drinks and they had champagne so I thought why the hell not.

There were delays and when we finally landed and I got to our meet up place, my mates were already there and gotten the bong out.

They said, "Where were you while we were getting high?"

"I was having..." and I turned to them, took my sunglasses off, and said, "champagne, soup and ova in the sky."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaudette
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
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My pops and I watched the super bowl commercials together…

We skip most of the football due to the annoying announcers, confusing rules and frequent replay delays, but I was able to come up with an answer when he asked what happens when both teams fail to score in OT. It’s a tie, Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carltodw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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A resident in my building said: "The mulch around those trees should help retard weed growth."

My reply was "I'm sure Weed Growth's parents would prefer to refer to them as developmentally delayed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunfistkid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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Dad joked the entire airport bar

Back story: I work as a bartender at a bar that is right after you exit security at International Arrivals at an airport.

Had several customers sitting at the bar, and we were all talking about how Lufthansa pilots are going on strike, and there's been a lot of cancelled plans/major delays in the last few days.

Customer: I don't know what's going on! Must be something in the air.

Me: You mean there's nothing in the air.

Cue entire bar groaning. Got a few good tips out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mediocre-raptor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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At the beach with wife, friends and three kids. My wife exclaims: "Aren't our kids an odd trio?"

"Aren't they always?"

Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSnowden
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
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Dad at the airport

After hearing my flight had been delayed for the second time I went up to the gate check-in desk.

Me: "What are the chances the flight is cancelled?"

Guy working the desk: "Can't say for certain, it's up in the air right now."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odds2Lose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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Just got my wife and infant son with this one...

After a feeding, my beautiful wife went to burp our seven month old son. He let out a gnarly burp, right in her face, to which she said, "Ew. That burp was foul, kid."

I replied with, "Did you feed him chicken salad?"

A delayed, angry smirk was a welcomed response.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SU55
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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Trust dad to make light of a disappointing experience at the local mechanic

I was telling my dad about how we just got our car back from being fixed at our local mechanic and had a pretty disappointing experience. I had to call back several times only to find that there would be further delays (5 days total) until the car was repaired and after 'cleaning' the car and they left grease marks everywhere - including all over the windows, on the steering wheel and door handles.

My dad cut in with "at least you could slip through the traffic easily".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fairyoathen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2015
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With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the World Origami Championship.

It’s on Paperview!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dennyitlo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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