Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 176
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Dang it, Mt Rushmore was so beautiful before it was carved out...
Its natural beauty was honestly unpresidented
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Dang it.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Well Dang...I broke my hole puncher...
What am I supposed to do with 2 half punchers???
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 22 2019
Dang, that ...
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 06 2019
Dang it, Dad
My mom and I were discussing pickleball. I asked her if she had played when she was younger, and she said that it wasn't around when she was younger. Then dad chimes in with "that's because it was still cucumber ball back then".
π︎ 52
π
︎ May 09 2015
"Dang, I misread it."
Don't worry, you can log back on anytime.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 19 2017
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
What type of flour is sold at airports?
π︎ 68
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
From my niece: What's the chicken's favorite place to get coffee?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Where is the best place to get shot?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I just thought of a name for a Christian ninja.
I swear I just thought of it, and I'm surprised I've never heard it before. Ready? Wait for iiiiiiiiiit...
John Claude Van Dang.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Why does βsecretaryβ start with secret?
Because of all their business affairs
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Apr 28 2020
I donβt trust trees....
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
What's the opposite to firefly?
π︎ 203
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
Who was the only celebrity with four body parts in his name?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?
π︎ 48
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
How do German breads greet each other?
They say - Gluten Morgen!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
Smoking is bad
it shortens your lungevity
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
How do you find the right book in a library that was caught in a flood?
Using the mildewey decimal system!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
What did Donald Trumps bodyguard say just before someone sneezed in his face?
π︎ 42
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
You know what they say about bad haircuts?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
What do you call Bears without ears
π︎ 55
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
I need someone who can help me fix my bike
It wonβt stand up on its own anymore
Itβs two tired
π︎ 20
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
I bet none of you will see this one coming
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
Carpool Tunnel
...just might fix this dang traffic problem we're having
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
βDid someone say doobie?βββSnoop Dogg.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Aug 24 2018
My daughter was making some lunch. I asked her what she was making...
Daughter: Nachos
Me: I know it's not for me. I'm just asking what you're making for lunch. Sheesh...
Daughter: <confused> Huh?
Me: I'm just asking you what you're making for lunch.
Daughter: And i told you. Nachos!
Me: You already told me it's not for me. You don't have to be mean about it!
Daughter: <pause> Dang it... <sighs> Go away...
Me: <laughs in dad joke>
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
What is long and bring kids?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
Some lifeguards at the pool were doing a ph test to see how the pool was doing, and I was fascinated by it.
I thought to myself, βDang, hydrogen is powerfulβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 08 2020
Found on r/blackmagicf***ery
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 22 2019
What do you call a bear without ears?
You COULD call him B, but he wouldnβt hear you
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 30 2020
A deer and a bear walk into a bar.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Feb 28 2019
now on youtube
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jul 05 2019
I was talking to a lady this morning who said she recognised me from 'Vegan Club'
but I'm pretty certain I'd never seen herbivore
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 31 2019
ice ice baby
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 19 2019
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
π︎ 81
π
︎ Apr 21 2019
Whatβs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs quite a bit; the other is a little lighter.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jul 07 2019
We need to change the temperature FAST
π︎ 36
π
︎ Apr 24 2019
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
π︎ 73
π
︎ Dec 29 2018
What made the woman think she had a back problem?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
I saw Kian from Westlife drinking a can of red bull. I said βcome on mate, make your mind upβ.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
Dad*has a heart attack*
Dad: Son, call me an ambulance!
Son:* crying *Dad, youβre an ambulance
Dad: Iβm so proud of you * dies *
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jul 05 2019
Well dang...I broke my hole puncher...
What am I supposed to do with 2 half punchers??
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 22 2019
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