Jeez Puns

Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should've put it on aloha temperature

Dad: "Keep mum."

Why? Is it toupee-nfully obvious?

Me: Dad, I made chili. Would you like some?

Dad: Some what?

Me: Chili

Dad: Not really, I'm wearing a sweater.

...God damnit

Talking to my dad about the upcoming summer.

Me: "Man I want to golf so bad!"

Dad: "You already do."

Turns out there is a lot of Cross referencing.

My brother: Jeez, How many coats do you need? I'm sure the table is warm enough already!

"Hey, I know you!"

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

Me: “How was the gym?”

My wife (pregnant with our first): “It was awesome, I did 45 minutes of spinning”

Me: “Jeez, you must be dizzy!”

Wife: (just shakes her head in disapproval)

Is this a new joke or did I subconsciously steal it from somewhere? Also is it any good?! Am I ready to be a dad??

Jeez, can’t a guy have mourning wood?

I said "Jeez cant you take a toke ?"

I was just let go.

You boil the Hell out of it.

i work at a liquor store. i was stabbing the plastic top of a case of tall boys open with a boxcutter (with GUSTO & PANACHE) and one of my regulars came in , saw me, and asked

"jeez, what are you tryna do, kill em?" & i said without hesitation

"well you cant drink them while theyre still alive,"

Me: did you just fucking fart Dad: DONT YOU ARE USE THE F WORD WITH ME. MY GRANNY BEAT ME WHEN I SAID THE WORD FART. Jeez, fucking kids.

"Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf...but he didn't listen!"

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon

Me: Oh jeez

Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed

Me: Oh my god what happened

Dad: He ran out of gas

Told him off for making dad jokes and said 'I'm not pregnant yet!'

His response? 'Hi not pregnant yet, I'm not dad yet'

So now we're celebrating her new career as an industrial miner.

Bartender says “Sure... If you say so. Now please leave.”

Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.”

Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”

Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.”

Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”

Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth”

Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”

Guy and dog leave.

Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”

insultinjury

He wore flannel before it was cool.

Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get.

Me: Do they ever play this band on the radio? son: of course its imagine dragons. me: so they are active on the radio? son: looks at me for a second, oh jeez me: so they are radio-active!

I have a pre-planned response of, "You're kidding me!".

Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother

she’s abroad.

So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

He peeked around the corner and asked "Son, do you want an ankle meat sandwich?" to which I replied "A what?" to which he quickly retorted "You know, below-knee? (baloney)."

I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life.

Edit: I know the proper spelling is "bologna" but since I have seen both spellings used interchangeably and I know a lot of people DON'T know how to spell it, I used the improper spelling so more people would get the joke. Jeeze.

Jeez-its

Dad: “Jeez, people can identify as anything these days.”

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."

I always wish people happy birthday with a pun. For example, "have a SARAHmazing birthday!" However, now I need a birthday pun based off the name "Louise." I have been pondering this for days, and I simply can't think of anything. I wish I could give you her last name to help with the punning process, but that would obviously not be a good idea

http://imgur.com/9gYByKd

Molasses.

just saw this one here and spit out my water https://www.instagram.com/p/-z5Bn4sUi2/

He is so Incensetive

Because it has more than 140 characters.

I know this is probably old but I've waited years to do this...

Went to computer shop to buy a network cable and the assistant (female) asked how long I wanted it....

I want to keep it! I said.

Jeez, if looks could kill, my head would have exploded there and then.

Totally worth it though.. :-)

Wife: I am dog-tired today.

Me: Jeez, honey, that sounds "ruff".

"So, I put a paper in the mailboxes of a few teachers."

"Oh jeez. What did you do this time?"

"I typed a Word Document that said 'Please fill out this form' and left the rest of the page blank. dad cackle

You shoulda heard what they were saying: 'Why did they give ME one? Did YOU get one?' Everyone was losing their minds!"

At the end of practice, my coach brought us in for the closing huddle. Someone mentioned it was my teammate's birthday today and it was another teammate's birthday the day before. Coach says, "Jeez, how often do you guys have birthdays?" I reply, "Well, Coach, I get mine about once a year."

I can't stand these bad drivers!