He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
It got pissed off the first time
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Then there is a Rogue One.
I don't care how big the spider is, nobody steals my shoe.
I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
Don't worry it's under CTRL
Me (showing it to my girlfriend): What kind of ant do you think this is?
My gf (shrugging): Idunno.
Me (placing the ant on a pear): Well, it's a pear ant to me. . .
Army crawl.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Because he didn't have the guts
It's OK though, I have it under CTRL
One says to the other, "Do you think there's life on other cats?"
She’ll come crawling back soon enough
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
Me: I don’t think very fast at all
Wife: Why not?!
Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back...
Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
The second mole crawled out of the hole and said:
"I smell strawberries!"
The third mole crawled out of the hole and said:
"I smell molasses!!!"
It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.
"How did you even see that?" I asked.
And she answered, "With my spider-sense."
I love this woman so, so much.
Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:
"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!
achoo splat bleah"
Substitute $name for Mia.
Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.
I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡She was looking for low prices.
It was quite the in vent shun.
Daddy deserves a spanking for that joke.
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
I can get a real cheap one off the web.
Guess who came crawling back
Guess who came crawling back
Guess who came crawling back
Don't worry though, it's under ctrl.
Guess who came crawling back
Guess who came crawling back
Guess who came crawling back!
Guess who’s come crawling back
