An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station. /r/Jokes/comments/m4tpxh/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aguynamedbry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?

It got pissed off the first time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from Mexican prison...

After I duct, I found I conduit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Music born, music cry, music grow, music crawl,
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CastYourBread
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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We live in a world where there are 7 Star Wars movies that have opening crawl.

Then there is a Rogue One.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joncort95
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
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All Star Wars Opening Crawl youtube.com/watch?v=VX9z5…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradhotdog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
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I just killed a massive spider crawling across the room with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, nobody steals my shoe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair, guess who came crawling back.

I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0Tharrold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"

"That's M'Shell on my back!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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A spider crawled on my computer

Don't worry it's under CTRL

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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Flying high
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who’s crawling back now..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CHEEZY_21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Putting away groceries, I noticed there were some ants crawling in our sink.

Me (showing it to my girlfriend): What kind of ant do you think this is?

My gf (shrugging): Idunno.

Me (placing the ant on a pear): Well, it's a pear ant to me. . .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebardingreen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Guess who came crawling back?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/21lladnar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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How do you get around if you don't have legs?

Army crawl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acaleyn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.

Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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Why didn't skeleton cross the road

Because he didn't have the guts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onowl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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A spider just crawled into my keyboard as I was typing

It's OK though, I have it under CTRL

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ploughran89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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Two fleas are crawling across a cat's skin.

One says to the other, "Do you think there's life on other cats?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

She’ll come crawling back soon enough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kippergills
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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I'll just leave this here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsterbbar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostien
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked β€œHow fast do you think a hearse can go?”

Me: I don’t think very fast at all

Wife: Why not?!

Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back...

Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeroWeDeserve87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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The first mole crawled out of the hole and said "I smell strawberries!"

The second mole crawled out of the hole and said:

"I smell strawberries!"

The third mole crawled out of the hole and said:

"I smell molasses!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryassburger-il
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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(True story) My GF asked me to kill a spider in the bathroom today.

It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.

"How did you even see that?" I asked.

And she answered, "With my spider-sense."

I love this woman so, so much.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Why was the lady crawling on the floor at the grocery store?

She was looking for low prices.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohhfasho
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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Where do chains go to rock out?

Linkin Park

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simple-fire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Did you hear about the first guy to give a cold shoulder while crawling around in duct work?

It was quite the in vent shun.

Daddy deserves a spanking for that joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
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Saw 10 homeless ants

Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluetoken12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Why do libertarians hate flying in midsize aircraft? Because it's crawling with the imgur.com/U7IV5Xl
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Archaetorrhi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2015
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My kid wanted to get a pet spider from the pet store, but they are really expensive.

I can get a real cheap one off the web.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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I stole my ex girlfriends wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shamudawhale51
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole a wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vancity1985
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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A spider just crawled in to my keyboard

Don't worry though, it's under ctrl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMBiSH
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
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My girlfriend broke up with me so i stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macdemsugar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamSam29
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who’s come crawling back

πŸ‘︎ 573
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnster1991
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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