Cooking off Puns

How very un-ladle-like!

A high steaks poker tournament

Because cheese grater!

...he was forced to take out a restraining order.

Bear Grylls grills bear with bare girls with bare grills

I sent her a picture of the progress, she replied that I probably used too much flour, I replied "Sorry, I didn't know how much I kneaded." Groans were heard around the world.

My dad yells "ROLL CALL!"

A few weeks into their journey, they ran out of food. Unable to find plants to eat, and after an entire day of discussion, they decided that if they found meat before plants, the would eat it.

A day later, in the distance, they saw a small tree. As they got closer, they saw that there were strips of perfectly cooked bacon hanging from the bare limbs.

The first vegan grew excited. "Look! It's a bacon tree! Food!" And with that, he took off running toward it.

The other vegan hung back, looking at it suspiciously. "No, wait!" he called. "That's not a bacon tree!"

"Sure it is! It's a bacon tree!" the first vegan yelled over his shoulder. When he reached the tree, he jumped, trying to reach the bacon from the lower branches, but before he could, a pair of wild boar darted out from behind the tree and skewered him on their tusks.

The other vegan shook his head. "I tried to tell you it wasn't a bacon tree. It was just a hambush..."

So we ordered pizza last night when it just got too late to cook... While we were sitting and eating I pushed my plate away with one piece of pizza left on it. My GF asked "Don't you want to eat your last piece?" "I said no, you can have it." So she took it off my plate and finished it in two bites... I reached for another piece of pizza and she said "What are you doing, you just said you were full!" I said “I didn't say I was full... I just didn't want that piece because it fell on the floor."

I came scross a guy selling a plane for cheap. The catch is that it had a bad engine. Well I'm no pilot, yet I am a decent cook. So I gutted the inside and converted into a diner. Im really excited, yet I fear it will never take off.

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

Hey /r/puns! My wife is entering a meatball cook off this weekend and needs a name for her entry. Neither of us have the same meat naming talents as Bob Belcher, but thought you guys might be able to help.

She is making a lamb meatball with a creamy orange Moroccan sauce served over a small bed of couscous.

My wife was organizing her spices, and came to me with something on her hands.

"I spilled my thyme, now I have way too much thyme on my hands! I should find something productive to do with it."

After wiping it off, she said "Sorry, I'm not cooking today. Just don't have enough thyme on my hands for it."

I'm so proud of her, LMAO!

My sister asked if we ever had shepherd's pie. I told her, "No, but every so often I cook 'matterdaddy.'" She walks off while shaking her head.

My brother doesn't get it and asks, "Matterdaddy? Matterdaddy? What the heck is a matterdaddy?"

I immediately respond with "Nothing. What's a matter with you?"

He groaned loudly and my sister just responds with "You're such a sucker for falling for that."

Me: "What on earth is that crazy concoction that you're cooking up?"

Wife: "It's a Jamie Oliver recipe. I'm just following it."

Me: "If Jamie Oliver gave you a recipe to jump off a bridge, would you follow it?"

Wife: "Yeah, probably."

Me: "He should name it Jamie's seafood pancakes".

Groaning ensued.

I had cooked smoked sauasge and was chopping jalapeños and cut the tip off my finger.

He texted me while at the emergency room commenting on the sausages:

"The sausages are really good but there is something different about them and I can't quite put my finger on it"

He followed up with this when my girlfriend and I returned from the hospital:

"Elizabeth are you hungry? We have some finger sandwiches if you are."

So my dad got us pretty good in a family text conversation.

So my little brother sends us a picture of a bunch of juice he has made and put in jars in his fridge.

LB: Going on a juice diet for the next 30 days, gotta loose 50 lbs in 2017!

Dad: I cooked beans and ham soup. I'm on a expelling air diet.

Dad: I've lost 5psi in 2days!

Dad: I'm thinking about getting a methane generator and going off the grid.

Me: 🙄

I work at Goodwill, and while I was working register a customer came up to pay.

He placed a frying pan on the counter, and casually said, "Hey man. What's cooking?"

His significant other just rolled her eyes and walked off. We laughed like maniacs.

A recently cooked pizza left my oven with an ever blackening pile of cheese at the bottom. I want to clean it off and my mom always speaks wonders of some spray on product, so I text her for help:

"What's the name of that oven cleaner you like?"

"Joe."

Joe's my dad.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak cooked, sir?

Grandpa: Well I'd like them to cut it's horns off and slap it's ass to send it on out!

The the kitchen I work in, two of the cooks normally have the local Latino top 40 station on the radio. Last night, a bachata song was playing on the radio, when one of my coworkers asked one of the cooks, Omar, about it. I noticed he had a huge grin on his face. I knew something was up.

Coworker: "Hey Omar, what is this stuff on the radio?"

Omar: "It's bachata, te gustas? [do you like it?]"

Coworker: "Oh yeah guey, I love horchata."

Omar then gives my coworker the much needed groan, while I laugh my ass off.

Today was my last dinner before heading off to college, and my dad cooked our family steaks in honor of us leaving. I mentioned that one of our steaks was over cooked. My dad then says "you know what you call that?"

"What do you call it?" My family responded.

"A Mis-steak."

My husband & myself having a casual conversation about rice.

Me: remember when I made that real good rice at the chili cook-off?

Him: uh, yeah sure, I guess.

Me: everyone said they liked it & It was the only rice there!

him: oh. I don't like rice. I'm a ricist.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!