What did the Buddhist monk chant after eating mushrooms?

My silly om, my silly om...

(Mycelium)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirillsimin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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What does a current chant when met with resistance?

Ohmmmmm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockplops
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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If all you do is pray for one outcome, are you leaving it up to chants?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alexm920
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
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Found my roommate chanting in Latin to his breakfast

He said he was peforming an eggcorism

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashnakag3019
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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When I was growing up, I wanted to become a monk.

I never got the chants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Heard your dad is a diabetic DJ that drinks cans of sprite during his sets...

The crowds always chanting β€˜back one again for the lemonade master’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SR21-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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What do you call a guy doing ominous Latin chanting?

Greg or Ian

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wigglesface
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions?

Because they have literally no chants in Hell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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The food was late and the kids were all chanting "Pizza! Pizza! Give us pizza!!!"

All they were saying was "give pizza" chants!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Did you hear about the guys that got drunk at a Trump rally last night?

They kept chanting β€œFOUR MORE BEERS!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Heh
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommanderKooKoo6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I've always wanted to be born in the age I could become a Gregorian monk

But I guess I'll never have the chants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Does anyone have any weight loss mantras?

Fat chants!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MsTBlueBFF
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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Need help with a pun!

I recently posted a picture of a peaceful looking, meditating waldo with a title that reads "Plot twist. Waldo finds himself". My uncle replied with the awesome pun: "Waldo is my "om" boy!"

I need a pun to compete! Thanks for any help.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibcurlyfry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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Queen Elizabeth visited an Edinburgh hospital recently...

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

β€œMy heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

β€œSome hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

β€œMy love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, β€œIs this a psychiatric ward?”

β€œNo, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. β€œThis is the serious Burns unit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatboyfat1981
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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There’s a magician

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, β€œanyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!” Someone steps up, on crutches. β€œHi, I’m Phil, can you fix my leg?” He asks. β€œYes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!” Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. β€œYou seem fine! What’s the problem?” The crystal guy asks. β€œI h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.” He said. β€œOk, I can fix you right up!” The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, β€œPhil, throw a crutch over to prove you’re healed!” A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. β€œNow, sir, with the stutter, say something!” He shouts, showing off it worked. β€œU-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaucyyThomas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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The Tale of Stanley Shithead

Stanley Shithead was made fun of for his entire life. "Shithead, Shithead, Shithead", his peers in highscool would chant. "Hey Shithead, have you finished your paperwork?", his co-workers would tease.

Stanley had had enough of this. He was going to change his name once and for all!

"Here's your paycheck, Mr. Shithead"

"Please, call me Chris"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stampytheman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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My dad has an interesting way of explaining things

I hope i'm posting in the right place, I just felt I had to share this.

Just a couple of minutes ago i was reading something about an abdominal exercise that included the word "perpendicular". I asked my dad ,who was sitting at his computer, what it meant, and without missing a beat he spun around in his chair, looked me dead in the eye and began chanting

"in days of old

when knights where bold

and ladies weren't particular

they stood them up

against a wall

and fucked them perpendicular"

He rotated his chair back towards the computer and mumbled "means "upright".."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoftBoiled
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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The Joke

You awake in a room, it is dark, you are sitting in a fold up chair. You look down and feel your belly, it is rumbling. You look to the wall behind you and turn on the light. You turn back around only to see 3 dozen Dads telling jokes to each other and howling in laughter. You push through the crowd until you find your own father. Once you find him you tell him you're hungry. Immediately every dad in the crowd looks at you and simultaneously chants four words, "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazeyRocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
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On the other side of the fence, next to my dentist's office, is the courtyard of a mental hospital...

After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, "Thirteen...Thirteen..."

I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on.

No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole when one of them poked me in the eye!

I staggered back, cursing and rubbing my eye, when I heard them chanting, "Fourteen...Fourteen..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/howardkinsd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
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A Scary Story

My father told me this when I was young. He grew up on a farm back in the 40's and 50's and for the longest time they had an outhouse that was their primary bathroom. One night he was sitting in there taking a crap when he hears a voice coming from below him. It was saying very quietly "If the log rolls over, we will die". He is sitting their puzzled but he keeps hearing it over and over again "If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die"...

Now he starts to freak out so he wipes himself and runs inside and grabs the flashlight off the counter and comes back out to check it out. Only now, it is louder and more frantic If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die.

He crept up to the toilet hole, turned on the flashlight and slowly peered over the edge of the toilet and what he saw scared the hell out of him...

It was a bunch of ants sitting on a turd and chanting If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimbusdimbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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Dad joke at a football (soccer) match.

At the game today and my team are playing against Sheffield Wednesday and the fans are chanting "WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY!" and some bloke near me yells "It's Saturday!"

Dear oh dear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwaynepipes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Clam Chowder

Clam chowder makes 'em louder makes em sound like blastin' powder!

My dad used to respond with this all the time when we, as kids, would chant the 'beans beans they're magical fruit' rhyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackofdawn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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I always wanted to become a gregorian monk

But I never had the chants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Audi0phil3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk.

But I never got the chants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

But I never got the chants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorldsMostDad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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I wanted to be a monk.

But I never got the chants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I wanted to be a monk...

But I never got the chants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denbroc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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I wanted to be a monk.

But I never got the chants.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I thought about becoming a Gregorian monk

But I never got the chants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/quixxotk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.....

.....but I never got the chants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

But I never really got the β€˜chants’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/furglmyster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I Always Wanted To Be A Gregorian Monk

But I never got the chants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qaddosh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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