Can't Complain Puns

Because am transparent

I said, “OK, Zoomer.“

You can't complain!

“You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

He says he can't complain

He said "I can't complain"

This actually just happened!!!

I was driving my 14yo home, and I was complaining because I recently hurt my shoulder.

Me: Ow, my shoulder is trash

Him: Maybe you'll have to amputate your arm

Me: That wouldn't help because I'd still have a stump to waive around. They'd have to amputate it at the shoulder.

Him: They wouldn't really do that, would they?

Me: Yep

Him: Baloney

Me: No, that would be down here and pointed to my shin

Then he started crying :-) I can die happy now!!!

She hides, and then I see how high I can count (out loud) before she gets annoyed and comes out to complain about the game.

My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.

Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."

Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."

Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.

You’ve heard that eating fish makes you smarter? Well, here’s the proof!

A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, what makes you so smart?” he asked the owner.

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn’t hear, he continued. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asked.

“Only $4 apiece,” said the grocer.

The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough,” replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry.

“Hey,” he said, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” replied the grocer.“You’re smarter already.”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/eating-fish-makes-you-smarter/

Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.

I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"

To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."

My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.

My work here is done...

So I went to a bakery right. I wanted a cake for a friends party. When I asked for a red velvet (his fave) they said they didn’t have any. Well that kinda put me in a sour mood to be honest. One of the bakers pulled me aside and told me he could make one for me. This man really rose to the occasion and saved my day. He even cut the fee (It was the yeast they could do) and I didn’t rye about the wait. I mean if someone is baking you a cake personally I doughnut think you can complain. At the end of the day I got my cake and that was that.

My dad and I were talking about my job at a camp and I was complaining about one of my coworkers who was mildly annoying. He also happens to be a "little person."

Me: He just gets on my nerves because he can't take a joke.

Dad: You know why that is?

Me: No, why?

Dad: They all go over his head.

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that “they were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

He's complaining about all this costly work his minivan needs including some $1,700 exhaust work...

Me: Yeah, I hear you, maintaining vehicles can be exhausting...

Couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off my face as he kept talking.

John started working in a color pigment company which specialises in mixing and editing different color pigments according to their customers's demands. Once the color pigments were done, they would be mailed out to the customers with a detailed note commenting on the properties of the produced color pigments. John was placed in the 'Pink Pigment' department which was incidentally between the 'Red Pigment' and 'White Pigment' departments. He was really good at his job and was constantly praised for the great work he produced.

However after a month or so, John found that a number of his work was being duplicated and mailed to almost all of his customers. Worse of all, instead of a proper note commenting on the color pigment properties, these duplicated products were accompanied with rather bad puns and jokes. One repeating joke which irritated him the most was: 'What do you call a country with only pink cars? A pink car-nation.'

Upset, he went to his manager to complain about the problem. After listening to John, his manager said, "Oh boy, looks like I need to talk to the manager of the 'Red Pigment' department again. This is not the first time that it has happened. Those Red-editors in that department love to copy and repost other people's original work as their own."
John then asked, "How are you so sure that it was them who are responsible?"
His manager replied, "Well, you can be certain that it is them as they always love jokes or puns especially in the comment section."

Son: How are things going, Dad?

Dad: I can't complain!

My classroom has air conditioning, but it only kicks in on warm days like today. When my fifth graders came in this morning, a couple immediately started complaining. "It's freezing in here!"

I had been waiting for this opportunity all year! I pointed to the corner of the room. "Well, if you're cold, you can go stand over there. The corner is 90º!"

The best part was the chorus of incredulous students shouting "really?!" who then went over to investigate. It wasn't until they pointed out that the temperature was same over there that they realized they had been duped.

I asked this question of my gf and she looked at me oddly and asked how.

Well your legs become a ruler after a long shift.

She looks at me, knowing something's coming. "And how's that?"

Well you always complain that they're a king after a long shift. A king is a ruler, so your legs can measure things.

Took her a minute. Got something thrown at me. Good times.

Me: checks restaurant tab "So you can get two $6 drinks, but when I get a $2 soda you complain?"

Dad: "It's all relative. When I'm paying for myself it's fine. But when I pay for my relatives it's not."

My wife was complaining of constipation- when in reality she was in labor. "Can you pick me up an enema or suppository?"

Without skipping a beat, I said "of course- sit tight!"

I was complaining about having to buy several permits today and told my girlfriend i was moving to Alaska to get away from "the man". She asked if my new Inuit wife would let her visit, I came up with:

• she can hold it while i put inuit

• we could work out a deal where we get to pay each other a visit on a regular basis like when you win the lottery and get an innuity

• you 2 could share lingerie if you think you could fit inuit

This sub started out so great. It was a place with funny dad jokes and silly stories about horrible jokes that dads have made to clerks or waiters or whoever. Now this place might as well just be /r/jokes or /r/punny because that's all that ever gets posted here.

It seems that in every comment section of any post, somebody will make a joke and the top reply just says "/r/dadjokes" so I think that is what is contributing to this decrease in quality (unless I'm just imagining it, but I've seen a vocal section of you who complain too)

So can we try to get back to what this sub used to be? I don't really know what could be done, but I'm sure our moderator(s) can make a new rule or something

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: “...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, “To trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

He always complains when they don't know the difference between jimmies and sprinkles. But I can't blame him he did do extensive ice cream research in Sunday School.

After the third time the garland broke from her pulling it through the wreath form, she complained. I said , “Honey, it can’t be helped , it lacks tinsel strength “.

On an unrelated note, I have lost eggnog privileges for the duration of the day.

He just back from driving my grandmother home from visiting her friend at the hospital. She's 87 in great health but does nothing but complain about anything and everything, even though she lives with family and has company all the time.

He walks back in the house and says "Wow I didn't even hear her complain once!"

My daughter made the megaphone with her hands and yelled "Can you hear me baba...did you go deaf!!"

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

As we're driving, he complains about how dirty my mom's old Escalade's windshield is and he can barely see through. I try to be a smart ass.

Me: Maybe it's the cataracts.

Dad: We're in a Cataract Escalade.

We all got a giggle.

So we were talking about plants and I randomly come up with:

If you stab a vampire with a cactus doesn't that make it a succulent steak?

She groans and can't help but giggle as she literally face palms, but complains none the less "I thought you loved me!". I laugh even harder. "You're proud of that aren't you, why you are so proud of that? When you shit in your hand and throw it at strangers that is nothing to be proud of".

Tell you fellers she's a keeper :D

My friend and I occasionally play real shitty music as a joke (One Last Breath, etc). So the other day I'm at his house playing video games and "The Reason" by Hoobastank comes on. While it's playing I'm getting whooped in the game we're playing pretty badly and so I'm complaining about it. I'm doing all I can to not get whooped but the whoops don't stop and eventually my friend says, "Dude, maybe it's the song." So I looked at my friend and said, "so you're telling me that the song is The Reason?"

My cousin was complaining about bowling alleys and that she doesn't like them because they are too loud. My uncle responded, "actually, bowling alleys are pretty quiet. In fact, they're so quiet you can hear a pin drop"

Was complaining to a newly married buddy about how a couple of other dudes were using fairly cheap equipment for a particular job when he starts going on the defensive-

"Hey! Some people can only afford the goodwill stuff."
"I guess.."
"You can get some nice deals there. You hear about the sale at the farewell store?"
"No..?"
"There were a lot of good buys."
-____-

It's late at night and me and some friends went to get some hot dogs. There's a group of girls in there complaining that they lost their phone. One of the girls says to the guy taking orders

"Can you call me a cab?"

"You're a cab. Now what?"

Everyone else was laughing except for the people who wanted a cab.

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

My freshman daughter complained to me yesterday that she can't sleep on a plane. I told her she sleeps on a plane every night.

"Huh?"

"You're talking airplane. I'm talking geometry."

She's doesn't like me any more.

My brother and I had been moving a stove from a basement to the curb this morning.

Afterwards, he was complaining about having sore arms. I told him it was probably because of the stove we just lifted.

He replied saying he can lift more than the stove easily.

I said "yeah, probably because the stove doesn't lift"

When my girlfriend and I was climbing up several stories in an apartment to go to our spot to practice dancing, I complained that it'd be easier to just practice on the first floor.

Her: I don't want to, we'd get so many stares!

Me: We can't possibly get any more stairs than here.

I tell myself that she thinks I'm cool every time

He said he can't complain.

"I can't complain" He said.

He says he can't complain.

He said, "Can't complain"

You can't complain.

"I can't complain"