American English to British English

"No u"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danny688
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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There was a big poetry contest and it cane down to two finalists, an English proffessor and a native American. They had to improvise a poem from a word that the judges gave them. The word was Timbuktu...

The English professor went first. He thought for a minute, then stepped up to the mic and said:

Slowly across the desert sand, Marched a lonely caravan, Men on camel, two by two, Destination; Timbuktu.

The audience applauded. Then it was the Native American's turn. He stepped up to the mic and said:

Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three gals in a pop-up tent. They were three, we were two, I bucked one, Tim bucked two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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My italian/american dad who doesnt speak very good english, his attempt

You know why deer get hit by cars

Because their horns dont work

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beastaholic187
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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Why is it pronounced "Bri'ish" if you're from Britain?

Because they drank the 't'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JenovasChild666
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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I saw a 1000 year old oil stain

It was from ancient Greece

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darz167
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Damn!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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What do you call a teacher that would never break wind in public?

A private tutor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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An in eresting title
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techno_chef
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Argument at family dinner...
πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?

The latter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmart193
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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Getting to the meat of the matter
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ducksarewitches
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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The ultimate pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chloraflora
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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My wife just said, "Nothing rhymes with orange"

I said, "no it doesn't"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/number9spud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HouseCatt95
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I want to help people spell diarrhea correctly.

Prevent irregular vowel movement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidDene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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My Son: Dad, I'm hungry!

Me: Hi hungry, I'm American!

My Son: That only works if I said I was Hungarian...

Me: I could never make fun of a foreigner's poor English...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumbledGenius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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4yo asks: What if I really was an ant?

During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.

Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"

Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."

Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"

Daughter [5yo]: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."

[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]

Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."

[It clicks.]

Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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Whipped this one out at work

One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.

"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."

"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"

At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
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My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7...

but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomt94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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What did Tennessee?

The same thing that Arkansas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemesisfactor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2016
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My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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Dad and daughter come into the restaurant I work at. He was crackin me up the whole time.

They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.

Dad: How do you pronounce that one?

Me: Falafel?

Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..

Daughter: (Face palm)

.

EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.

.

and again..

.

Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.

Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.

Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)

Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riggy60
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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How do herpes get out of the hospital ?

On crotches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dynamoninja3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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Girlfriend paid me a compliment.

GF: I like your forearms.

Me: I only have two.

I had to explain it, but then she slapped her forehead. I know, she only has one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shakynerves
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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An American went to England and had a question.

American: "Why is your wheel on the wrong side?'

English man responds: "No, the steering wheel is on the right side."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sadhans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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My dad told me he can speak 6 languages fluently...

It's English, American, Canadian, Australian, Kiwi and Jamaican.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ninhnguyenz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
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My niece got me with this a year ago, it came up on an "On This Day" post in FB yesterday.

I'm a deaf man and I communicate via a combination of American Sign Language and English spoken language. My niece and I were sitting at a restaurant enjoying ourselves when she looks at me and signs, "I'm so glad I know sign language. It's really handy!"

I actually facepalmed on this one for the second time when it came up in my newsfeed yesterday. I'm such a proud uncle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/defguysezhuh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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I've been a dad for 2 months

My wife: (reading Reddit titles) "TIL The first Native American who met the Pilgrims at Plymouth Colony walked into their encampment and greeted them in English."

Me: "How!?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djenge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lee_Hey_pat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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