A road Puns

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

The cop says "Why weren't you braking back there?"

And the man replies "I'm wearing clean underwear."

The cop says "Why is that relevant?"

And the man says "Well, I don't wanna get any skidmarks."

But when I got home, all the signs were there

To the other side

“I’m board, are we stairs yet?”

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move into a house.

I felt his presents.

It was touch and go from there on.

‘I went up to him and went “Pssstt!” in his ear and he didn’t move.’

Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.

An oldie but a goodie.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

...well, that's the Word on the street.

For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.

My life is turning into a joke

Phalt

(taps passanger's leg while looking at them) how short do you think that road is?

Then he turned into a driveway.

Now she’s my flat-mate.

Because he was programmed too 🤦🏻

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

I was rickrolled

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

I told him it was the car berater.

My wife replied, "Come on Simon, the signs were all there."

but I found the work degrading.

... time to get your schists together.

but I got laid off. They said the market for Steamrollers was flattening.

GF: A shoe!

Me: Bless you

Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.

But when i got home, all the signs were there.

Because it's important that everyone sticks to the plan.

Damages are estimated at $4.81 !

I proceeded to pick it up.

Everyone got out to pee and get snacks. I stretched getting out of the car and I farted. My 16yo daughter said, "Dad, that's gross."

I said, "Why? After all we are at the GAS station."

Not wanting to walk, I had to burro it.

Don’t kink-shame me.

Re-tarred.

He said, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"

Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, “KETCHUP!”

After some talking they decide to go out on a date.

After a nice dinner the road for bikes invites the road for cars to his appartement.

They get upstairs, but instead of going to the bedroom, the road for bikes stabs en kills the road for cars cold-blooded.

Turns out, he was a real cycle path

A pedesTREEan

The potato asked the yam, "Wanna be my spudy?"

To which he replied, "We're a perfect mash, I already yam."

You stop moo-ving!

Then I realised my whole life was a joke.

but then I started to see the signs

Because it is poultry in motion

Parking attendant: you can't park here.

Me: But all these other cars parked here.

Parking attendant: they didn't ask.

It’s called crap.

He said "I'm a farmer see"

People are just dying to get in it seems.

I really should have seen it coming. All the signs were there.

...so they went home.

she refused and kept saying, "Oniisan! Oniisan!".

Tortoise

I said, "Bro, that's Jeep"

Apparently, the fish love click bait.

edit:- rod*

He's a tar-tender now

When we had to overtake a horse. I did what your supposed to, slowed right down and gave them a wide berth. As we passed, my daughter noted that she didn't even smile or wave thanks at us. So I said, "Yeah, look at her on her high horse"

Driving blindfolded sure has its advantages

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns th

“You mean ‘a sheet’, Dad?”

“No. I mean they’re ba-a-a-a-a-d.”

I retired since then

It's pastaway

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

But, when I got home all the signs were there.

But when I got home, all the signs were there

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My life is turning into a joke.

all the signs were there.

I asked him "whats the word on the street?"

My life is turning into a joke.

All the signs were there.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My life is a joke…

and turned into a driveway.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Then he turned into a driveway.