An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Mar 28 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
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︎ Mar 16 2021
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 15 2021
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked βcan you see me ok?β
To which they answered βyesβ βouiβ βsiβ βjaβ.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
π︎ 793
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︎ Mar 28 2021
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant β¦ dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, DEAD ANNNNT!
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︎ Apr 07 2021
an interesting title
π︎ 5k
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Just heard a man had an accident while playing peek a boo..
He's currently in the ICU.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Me: the earth isnβt flat. Fiat Earther: correct. Me: huh? Fiat Earther: itβs the shape an italian car. Me: what?
Fiat Earther: you read my name wrong didnβt you?
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︎ Apr 10 2021
An Entire Elephant
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash
Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!
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︎ Apr 06 2021
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 14 2021
What is a beehive that doesn't have an exit?
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︎ Apr 11 2021
Gimme some sweet karma for an account I'll never use again
π︎ 73
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︎ Mar 30 2021
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
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︎ Mar 28 2021
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Exactly. Because they're damn good at it!
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︎ Apr 05 2021
A woman walks into a bar. βIβll have an entendre,β she says to the bartender. βMake it a double.β
π︎ 114
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︎ Apr 07 2021
When I was young I decided to become an archeologist.
Now my career is in ruins.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
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︎ Mar 03 2021
what do you call an american bee?
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︎ Mar 18 2021
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why canβt you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
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︎ Jan 05 2021
an old classic
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︎ Apr 10 2021
MY PARENTS RAISED ME AS AN ONLY CHILD
THIS REALLY ANNOYED MY YOUNGER SISTER.
π︎ 19
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︎ Apr 14 2021
What do you call an Italian genie?
π︎ 215
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My dad always said, β Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.β
βShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.β
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︎ Mar 26 2021
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
What do you call an isolated tree?
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 09 2021
An abusement park
π︎ 174
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Dec 09 2020
How do you call an elephant that does not matter?
π︎ 29
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
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︎ Mar 28 2021
What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?
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︎ Apr 11 2021
So I used to work at an orange juice factory...
But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
I got into an argument with a statue the other day...
and I have to admit it had some rock solid points.
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︎ Apr 11 2021
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
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︎ Apr 13 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
π︎ 50
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︎ Apr 06 2021
What do you call a housekeeper who is an anti-vaxxer?
π︎ 130
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︎ Mar 31 2021
My son asked me if he should take 120k in loans for an Egyptology degree.
I told him don't even sphinx about it
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing
Just incase I get a hole in one.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
π︎ 50
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︎ Mar 28 2021
What sound does an aircraft make when it hits the ground?
π︎ 50
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︎ Apr 06 2021
Iβll never date an apostrophe again!
The last one was too possessive.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
When I was young I decided to become an archeologist.
Now my career is in ruins.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
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