A man in Yorkshire, England forgot about his appointment at the sperm bank.
When he finally arrived, the person at the desk told him, “Ejaculate”
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Whats the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke?
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The direction the first letter faces
What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..
Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
People who don’t know the difference between entomology and etymology…
Bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
I went into the pharmacy and asked the assistant, "What is the best thing for killing germs?"
"Ammonia cleaner." She replied.
I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here."
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
If you think that your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough...
the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...
During lockdown, I managed to connect virtually with a Lion, Giraffe and Rhino all at the same time.
These zoo meetings are really taking off.
An outdoor neighborhood cat was hiding in some bushes while I was hedge trimming. Didn't see him and clipped his tail clean off. I panicked and grabbed the cat and his tail rushing to my car and drove like a mad man to Walmart. The greeter was puzzled and asked why I brought the cat.
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
What's the difference between 420 and 69?
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for fruit punch…
The bartender says, “pal, if you want punch, you’ll need to get in line.”
The guy looks around and there is no punch line.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
If someone is burnt and needs a skin graft, can I donate the skin tissue on my butt?
I was at a garage sale yesterday, and I saw a 70 inch TV for $5. I asked the person running the garage sale what the catch was. They told me the volume is stuck at max, so you know what I said?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Scary Horses
Sir Longbottom of Yorkshire, England has 20 horses in his stable. 9 are males and 11 are females. Why are them 11 females scary?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
I was arrested for copywrite infringement when I downloaded the entire Wikipedia site and published it as my book.
I told the arresting officer "I could explain everything."
My buddy called and asked me to meet him at the record shop in 45...
I made it in 33, which is record speed.
I took my daughter to her swimming lesson yesterday and the leisure centre absolutely stank.
It turns out that all of the other parents were also dropping their kids off at the pool.
By legalising cannabis and same-sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly
A man who lays with another man should be stoned.
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
I was at my mother's today, and she went mental after catching me having a sly joint outside the back door.
She'd just put some chops on.
Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine and wooden gearbox?
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A young boy and an old man are walking through the woods at night. The boy tells the man: "I'm scared. It's really dark and spooky out here."
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"
So a few years back, my sister forgot to put the butter away and mom was chewing her out because it was ruined.
Seeing an opportunity to break the tension, I called from the living room, "I guess you BUTTER not do that again!"
Mom shouted back that my joke was terrible, but she was laughing too much to stay irritated.
What’s the difference between an athletic rabbit and a humorous one?
One’s a fit bunny and the other’s a bit funny
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
What’s the difference between a sharply dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same
Because 10+10 is 20 and 11+11 is 20 too
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too.
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