My masseuse rubs me the wrong way
but my chiropractor cracks me up
What did dad say to mom when he bought her the wrong kind of flower?
I would’ve gotten it wrong
I got in an argument with a flat earther once he got so mad he stormed off and said he would walk off the edge to prove me wrong
He will will come around eventually.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth.
He said it was acci-dental.
They got my blood type wrong on the test results. It was typo. (credit to my husband)
I was wrong when I told my doctor he could never fix my spine
My wife wants to split up after I bought the wrong coffee..
I guess it's our grounds for divorce
Y’all have heard of Murphy’s Law right? Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. But have you heard about Coles Law?
It’s a bunch of thinly sliced cabbage with a mayonnaise based dressing.
Why is Billy Joel’s laundry still wet?
He Didn’t Start The Dryer.
I told my kids I changed our wifi password. They're still unable to get on the internet, saying thier phones keep showing "the password you entered is wrong".
I'm not sure what the problem is. I keep telling them the password is 123allspelledoutinlowercase. Seems simple enough to me
While we were putting up siding, my brother kept throwing nails away because the heads were on the wrong end.
I said, "Stop wasting those nails, we can use those on the other side of the house!"
I got the wrong ice cream for my kids birthday party.
I guess I just have Breyers remorse
Am I stupid for taking the wrong train and reaching somewhere far from my destination and not even realizing?
I only donate to atheist charities.
What did the skydiver say after he grabbed the wrong bag
Lots of brand logos are wrong.
I tried to get a job as a realtor but they said I had the wrong degree.
4 years wasted on Building Trades.
My first 2 weeks on the job, every time I got up from my desk I hit my head on the cabinets above me. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong
Until one day, when I finally understood.
I once worked as a stone mason but got the sack because I put the wrong name on a headstone.
... That was a grave mistake
When pick up lines go wrong
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So," an attractive woman approaches him, "What books do you have by your bed?" "I don't have any," the guy replies. "My bed doesn't write.
There is something tragically wrong with my hip
I always beg my husband to share dad jokes and this one got me laughing! You see he's not very funny..lol. So, I was helping him stretch his legs and hips, he just said..."there is something tragically wrong with this hip"
I hope this is not a distasteful joke. If you're Canadian, you will know this. Sorry if it is, I just wanted to share my husband's attempt at a dad joke that made me laugh.
Date gone wrong.
So I was on a first date last night with this girl I met on tinder. It was going great. We got to talking about our jobs and she said she’s a software developer. I was reaching over to grab the salt and ended up getting my hand in the pot of garlic Mayo. I then said to her “damn! I didn’t realise that was open sauce”.
I had a debate with a flat earther. He said he'll walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around.
This morning, Siri said "Don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone on Airplane mode.
What was wrong with the farmer's wheat?
There’s something wrong about words ending with “off”, like kickoff or showoff…
Why were the early American settlers like ants? 🇺🇸 🐜
Answer: >!Because they lived in colonies !<
Happy 4th of July Weekend!
I wanted to tell a joke about meat ... but I was afraid that I'd butcher it
I guess the steaks were just too high and I was too much of a chicken. So I tried to move Beyond Meat jokes but found that to be Impossible.
Man goes into the doctor. “Doctor! Everything hurts” man points to his head and says “ow”, points to his foot and stomach and throat, each time “ow! Ow! OW!”. Doctor looks at the man and says “I know whats wrong…..”
“……you have a broken finger!”
Dads don't tell dad jokes because they think they are funny, they tell dad jokes because they think their kids reactions to the joke are funny.
/r/Showerthoughts/comment…
the Smithsonian did it wrong
I put the wrong spice in my oatmeal this morning...
...I should have seen that cumin.
Didn't take my thyme to look. I was pretty salty about it.
People who say age is just a number are wrong
If a nuclear weapon fell into the hands of the wrong person...
It would crush their hands.
Yeah yeah, May the Fourth be with you and all that. Look, if you're expecting a Star Wars pun from me,
you're looking in Alderaan places.
I went on a date with someone who has amputated multiple toes, it didn’t work out ..
Because I’m lack-toes-intolerant
I was arguing with someone who insisted they were correct when I knew they were wrong. So I shot him
New dad here - Need advice from experienced dads in the group
How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?
I'm a dad trapped in the wrong body.
I don't know how to tell my loved ones that I want a sex change, but I really just want to be transparent.
Why was the clock in the buffet always wrong?
It kept going back 4 seconds
An open letter to the mods and members of Dadjokes:
We recently adopted a pet duck, but I think something’s wrong with him.
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
i debated a flat earther once and he told hed walk to the edge to prove me wrong.
Im sure he will come around eventually.
My wife wants to split up after I bought the wrong coffee..
I guess it's our grounds for divorce.
I had a debate with a flat- earther. He said he'll walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around.
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