The E Yarrr
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
JC: where am I?
Nurse: ICU.
JC: No you can’t.
Go back four seconds
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
Suture self!
They're men of the clot.
Suture self" I said
I find it really hard to pull it off.
Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil
Time heals awl wounds.
Because it hurts sodium much.
It was a dishonourable discharge.
A Korea-ending injury!
The clot thickens.
Cat litter's more common.
I wound up using cellular.
Budget cuts
Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.
He was the nudest
https://www.reddit.com/r/quityourbullshit/comments/5vemhh/texas_hunters_who_accidentally_shot_each_other/
Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.
I came up with a fresh bowl of peas, and the little girl inched away nervously (stranger danger, and all). I tried to ease her by saying:
"Don't worry. I come in peas."
Cue awkward pause.
Her mom chimed in: "I get it." She still didn't laugh.
Doctor: Go ahead. Knock yourself out.
You know what they say, Margaret. "Thyme heals all wounds".
Now, if you have a lot of time on your hands, let me explain. These puns are a timely solution to anyone starting to dadjoke. With enough hours of practice, they become clockwork to deliver. Sometimes it's best to watch others perform the joke. I know, some of you may be ticked off with me (which isn't alarming) using my firsthand information on how to easily make a pun and how it has really wound you up. Yes, I'll hand it to you, making a simple pun is second-best to the more thought out grander puns with all the bells and whistles. Whatever makes you tick, I guess.
He wound up with a massive correction and his wife was heavily censored
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand."
I've never been more proud.
Oh it's just a flesh wound don't lose your head over it
I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light,
Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight,
Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."
[gun goes off]
[every runner falls over and pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: Annnd the annual Dad 5k is underway...
^^^^^^source
Because time wounds all heels.
"Fine," i said. "Suture self."
Fine, suture self.
