A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
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︎ Jan 15 2021
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
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π
︎ Aug 19 2020
I woke up with semen on my face..
I donβt know what came over me
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heβs ruler of Egypt? When told βthatβs impossibleβ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heβs in da Nile
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
2018: Β« Yo, dude, get woke. Β» 2019: Β« C'me on, get woke, it's 2019 ! Β» 2020: Β«... Hi. Well you could get e-woke I guess. Β»
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Woke
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
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︎ Nov 02 2020
A man woke up to find out that he was connected to a constant source of water.
He was quite irrigated about it.
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door
That plumber has some sense of humour
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︎ Aug 12 2020
What do you say to a teenager that woke up at 3:00 A.M?
What are you doing up so oily?
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︎ Sep 21 2020
I woke up yesterday to find that my wife had invited a bunch of journalists from Paris to help make breakfast..
I didn't mind. I love coffee from the French Press.
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︎ Aug 03 2020
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
Iβm afraid someone roofied me
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︎ Jul 18 2020
What did the optimistic scientist say when he woke up?
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︎ Aug 10 2020
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing
I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I woke up grumpy this morning
That was a mistake, I should've just let her sleep
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︎ Jun 23 2020
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think Iβm being stalked.
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︎ May 07 2020
I woke up on an island, just me and a deck of cards.
So far, Iβm not a big fan of solitairy confinement
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π
︎ Jul 07 2020
First thing I saw today when I woke up π
π︎ 4
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︎ May 04 2020
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling βOk Boomer!β
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Jan 31 2020
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
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︎ May 09 2020
Woke up with this joke from a dream I had last night. βWhat personality trait is the most cleansing?β
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︎ May 17 2020
When I woke up from a car accident in a full body cast my wife was right there at my side
To let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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︎ May 22 2020
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car?
He woke up oily in the morning
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︎ Dec 23 2020
My most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.
Whenever it rings, I get woke!
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 08 2021
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
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︎ Apr 01 2020
Just woke up to this beauteaful pun
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︎ Aug 08 2019
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to βDonβt stop Believing.β
It was an unexpected Journey.
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︎ Oct 28 2019
I slept like a log..
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...
... itβs ok but, we recovered.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
A lot Ehβ (A latteβ)
I wonder how much Starbucks is in Canada?
A lot Ehβ
I woke up thinking this this morning, donβt know where itβs from. I probably didnβt write it but I have no idea where I would have seen it. It was an original thought, but itβs an easy joke so Iβm sure someone else has done it before.
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︎ Dec 07 2020
Woke up this morning to a tap on the door
I thought, that's a funny place to put a tap.
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︎ Mar 26 2020
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I donβt know what to make of it.
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︎ Apr 23 2019
I had a horrible nightmare about earthquakes last night
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︎ Jun 27 2020
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
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︎ Oct 23 2019
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
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︎ Oct 26 2018
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I canβt feel my legs!β
The doctor replied, βI know. I amputated your arms!β
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I had a dream I was a muffler last night.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
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︎ Oct 06 2019
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