I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda. Then I woke up..
..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
When I woke up from an operation, the nurse leaned over and said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
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︎ Feb 05 2021
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I woke up with semen on my face..
I donβt know what came over me
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heβs ruler of Egypt? When told βthatβs impossibleβ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heβs in da Nile
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
2018: Β« Yo, dude, get woke. Β» 2019: Β« C'me on, get woke, it's 2019 ! Β» 2020: Β«... Hi. Well you could get e-woke I guess. Β»
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Woke
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︎ Sep 21 2020
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
A man woke up to find out that he was connected to a constant source of water.
He was quite irrigated about it.
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I woke up at 3 in the morning, made this, and fell back to sleep.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door
That plumber has some sense of humour
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︎ Aug 12 2020
What do you say to a teenager that woke up at 3:00 A.M?
What are you doing up so oily?
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︎ Sep 21 2020
I woke up yesterday to find that my wife had invited a bunch of journalists from Paris to help make breakfast..
I didn't mind. I love coffee from the French Press.
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︎ Aug 03 2020
I had a dream that I invented a new color
But when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
Iβm afraid someone roofied me
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︎ Jul 18 2020
What did the optimistic scientist say when he woke up?
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 10 2020
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing
I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I woke up grumpy this morning
That was a mistake, I should've just let her sleep
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︎ Jun 23 2020
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think Iβm being stalked.
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︎ May 07 2020
I woke up on an island, just me and a deck of cards.
So far, Iβm not a big fan of solitairy confinement
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︎ Jul 07 2020
What is also known as the worst day of the year?
Sausage day!
(I woke up the other day and thought of this joke while lying on bed. I'm pretty proud of it!)
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︎ Feb 08 2021
First thing I saw today when I woke up π
π︎ 5
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︎ May 04 2020
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling βOk Boomer!β
It was a millennial falcon.
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︎ Jan 31 2020
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
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︎ May 09 2020
Did you hear about the kidnapping at a elementary school?
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︎ Feb 08 2021
Woke up with this joke from a dream I had last night. βWhat personality trait is the most cleansing?β
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︎ May 17 2020
When I woke up from a car accident in a full body cast my wife was right there at my side
To let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 22 2020
Why did The conservative get rid of his alarm clock?
Because every morning it wanted him to get woke
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Just woke up to this beauteaful pun
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︎ Aug 08 2019
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
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︎ Apr 01 2020
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to βDonβt stop Believing.β
It was an unexpected Journey.
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︎ Oct 28 2019
The man and the silver screw.
There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.
The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."
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︎ Jan 21 2021
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I donβt know what to make of it.
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︎ Apr 23 2019
Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...
... itβs ok but, we recovered.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
Woke up this morning to a tap on the door
I thought, that's a funny place to put a tap.
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
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︎ Oct 26 2018
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I canβt feel my legs!β
The doctor replied, βI know. I amputated your arms!β
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 04 2020
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